Just Curious...

The Slow Song to Bethany

2011-07-16T11:12:00.002+01:00

The sea echoes forth with its weary tide

slowing to lick precious salt from my toes.

Its beating wings build to a crescendo

in spray of white and wind.

The sea sings of carrying me away,

its retreat beckons me forward, to the

watery depths where Poseidon reigns

and justice hangs on a trident.

Cool ripples of watery hands clinging

to my warm flesh, their slippery fingers

struggling to find purchase whilst the ground

holds fast, planting my roots

in the yielding sand. The spray scurries back

to the jaws of the sea, relinquishing

its grasp in mock fear, gathering

reinforcements. To uproot me.

I wrote this a while ago and found it again today. Thought this was the time to post it.

The State of Things

2011-07-15T20:40:00.003+01:00

It was said of Van Gogh that life weighed too heavily on him. This seems a very apt statement at the moment. Everywhere I look life is weighing heavily on the people I care about. I continually feel like I am on the brink of buckling, that at any minute my knees will give way and I'll be face down in the pavement too weak to get back up.

Everyone around me seems to be feeling the same. Just as they feel they can't take any more another load is dumped on them and somehow they have to survive. There is an element of guilt over not being able to share each others' load. But in this time we are all floundering under the pressure unable to look to our left or our right, unable to really see those struggling around us.

We are together in this terrible time, but I've never felt so alone. The only thing we have to share is our own despair, which is something we feel selfish for doing. The world is shuffling along, crippled by the weight of our choices, forced to look down at our feet.

I guess we have lived through the lazy days where we could take in the sky, looking at the clouds. Basking in the metaphorical sunshine. We didn't see where our feet were headed, we didn't comprehend the true price of our leisure.

We pay for it now. And paybacks a bitch!

Where the Spectacles Fade

2011-06-15T12:09:00.004+01:00

Travelling monkeys and circus shows.

They have nothing on the spectacle

where our love grows

with spine-tingling hope.

we wait for the façade to fade

to a duller, less faceted

version of the truth, where love is

expressed in the mundane.

To days of urbanities and chores,

the trudging steps of the everyday

to which the brave succumb.

Sentiment filed away

for special occasions

and passion a lukewarm memory.

That is not us, in this tangle

of sweat and earthiness, grounded

and in flight, simultaneously,

an intricate performance too real,

desperately clinging,

whilst inwardly fleeing

to the safety of the mundane.

Thought Season

2011-05-30T14:55:00.002+01:00

An errant thought wanders around my mind

gathering dust, trying to find a friend

in the wide expanse of open field.

It is thought season.

All the errant thoughts have been scared out

of the undergrowth to fly for a brief glorious moment,

soaring through the azure skies

not sullied by cloud or rainstorm.

These clear effervescent strands of ideas

sparkled in the crisp, fresh air and were shot down.

They were gathered up and carried away,

limp and devoid of life, by the jaws of Doubt.

Now one errant thought remains

huddling in the corner as the night draws in.

Loss

2011-05-06T23:54:00.003+01:00

I thought I had hit my my low for now. I thought packing up my things and leaving a course that I had always thought was my vocational path was the low point of this year.

I was wrong.

On Easter Monday my cat died. It may sound like a small thing to most people, but this was completely unexpected and I was away from home when it happened. This has affected me more than anything has for quite some time.

I tried for a long time to think why it had had such an impact. Yes I loved her and yes, she meant an awful lot, but so have others and their loss did not hit me this hard. After the initial shock I was able to look back at the time I had her and I realised she had symbolized much more than a pet for me.

I had got her 3 years ago, just before I went off sick from my job, which I never returned to, due to ME. I have lost so much to this illness over the years, missed out on a lot and for me my cat was the one thing it could not take from me. It sounds silly and irrational, but there it is. There have been many moments in my life where I have had to make sacrifices because of my illness, where I have given up personal relationships (probably wrongly) as too hard or overwhelming to cope with alongside everyday life. For me it was so important to maintain this facade of being able to manage the everyday things that relationships and personal connections became peripheral to my life.

Only in the last few years have I realised I have this the wrong way round. During the long months of my illness where I could have slid very easily into disability, quietly surrendering to the illness that constantly tests my mental strength, I got up every morning because there was a little soul that was depending on me. The simple task of getting up and feeding her was the difference between persevering and drifting into obscurity.

In return I received so much love and affection. She kept me company when I could not leave the house, she stopped me going mad in that pokey little flat all on my own. And now she is dead and it is difficult to sum this up to people. I had not realised how much of a unit we had become in my mind. I may not ever get the chance to have a family, I don't even have a home right now, but at least I had my Hattie. Well now I don't even have that.

This loss has magnified a gaping hole in my life and I don't even know how to start to fill it.

Addressing the Elephant

2011-04-14T16:58:00.002+01:00

I am no longer going to be a teacher.

2 weeks ago something clicked in my brain and it finally said enough was enough. I got up that morning, like most mornings, tired but okay. My heart protested, told me I should not go in to the school where I have been placed for my teacher training. I tried to ignore feelings inside me as I got dressed. I cried as I gathered up my things and then I forced myself to stop with all my will so that I could go out in public.

I battled myself as I walked to the train station, reasoning out that it was too late to call in sick and that I could not possibly turn back. I battled hard to stem the waves of tears my heart battered me with, after all my mind is stronger than my heart. I got to the train station and rushed onto the waiting train, finding a seat easily.

Then it hit me. I had had this feeling before. This exact feeling is how I felt heading into my old call centre job when I was really ill. That is when my brain clicked.

I had to get out.

What had been building for the last few months suddenly flattened out like an enormous vista where I could see exactly how I had got here, to this point and what I had to do. I had not been happy for quite some time, but I stored it away, because happiness is not useful for me during these 2 training years. I knew they would be tough and I would have to 'Man up' and push through them, but it should have been different.

My brain might be stronger than my heart, but it doesn't always know best. I listened to my intuition, something I had been afraid to do, and every fiber of my being told me my situation was toxic and I had to get out. My brain took the hint.

It was right about 1 thing though, it was too late to call in sick. I went into work, worked the full day and then left knowing I would not be going back tomorrow.

I have gone against the judgement of all my friends and family who had spent the last few months urging me on, telling me I was doing the right thing carrying on. But they are not me. They cannot know what is best for me. If they do not like my decisions they can f**k off.

So what am I going to do now? I'm going to keep working on being happy. I know certain things make me happy so I am going to do those things. I am looking for a job, just something part time to stave off the unemployment blues I suffered from last year. I am not looking for a big career anymore. I do not need one. I need writing, crafts and artwork and so that is what I am going to do. I don't care whether it's any good or whether I pen a publishable novel. It's not about that for me, it never has been.

If that makes me an arse or pretentious or anything else you wanna call it then that's fine. I believe doing things for the sole purpose of being happy is becoming a crime these days. If it is, lock me up now because I'm not changing.

rant

2011-01-27T21:25:00.002Z

So I reread the poem I posted and was going to put a comment on there but decided to just post on here instead. It's funny how things creep up on you before you realize it. I have had some good news this week, I received the highest mark I have ever got for an essay I handed in before christmas. This is a big deal and I should be really happy about it but I'm not. I got a little embarrassed and then tried to forget it.

I'm a little flat. I want to be positive and enjoy what I am doing but I am not. Low. I guess I am low. I'm just whining and need to pull my finger out of my butt and get on with things.

There are things I want. There are are things I thought I wanted and am now indifferent about and there are things I know I don't want. Hmmm...

Poem

2011-01-23T16:23:00.004Z

I promised a poem to Mog, but I couldn't bring myself to post the silly little Haiku she wanted me to. Here's something else instead:

Everybody knows.

They hear in your prayers

silent voices that stop

you, right where you stand,

staring out to sea.

Everybody sees

the scars that bare your soul

in the light of morning

and touch eyes so full

of Sorrow’s darkness.

Everybody knows

the words you softly speak,

eyes closed tightly against

black that caresses

all atrocities.

Everybody sees

your broken body lie

disassembled by your

thoughts, scouring a pit

of mournful anguish.

Certainties

2011-01-17T22:06:00.002Z

So been a long time yet again. My life is a little overwhelming I guess at the moment.

This whole teaching lark is somehow exactly what I thought it would be and also disappointing at the same time. Teaching seems to be as I expected but I am not how I expected. I don't mean that I'm not as good as I thought I'd be (I'm pretty average for where I am) I guess I thought I'd feel differently about it than I do.

It is something that I could do for the rest of my life but I'm not satisfied. I guess there isn't such a thing as too busy to think of the dreams you're missing out on. I know without any doubt that what I should be doing with my life is writing. For the first time in my life I know that. I don't just think it would be fun if I could get my bum in gear as a hobby to write a book in spare time from a real job, which is how I felt before.

I'm not satisfied playing at it anymore. The trouble is there is no practical way to do this so I must keep on the path I'm on and hope that one day I'll find my way back.

2010-12-02T20:11:00.002Z

It is so weird for me at the moment, not sure how to talk about it. What is the phrase? Different day, same old sh*t.

I changed my life completely in the hope that my baggage might not follow me. Surprise, surprise it did. Only here I have none of the support I had back home. It's strange, I spent so many years dealing with the whole ME thing on my own and now I really don't know how I did it.

The problem is I'm struggling and it's really starting to worry me, but I can't really talk to anybody back home. This was the thing they worried about before I went and as soon as it is mentioned they will panic.

I am committed to this course of action and I will follow it through. I thought I'd be happier than this but I am probably more unhappy now. I keep telling myself this is temporary, that it is only a year.

But after that year I will still have the baggage. Every year my life gets smaller and I feel more unsatisfied.

Crying

2010-11-03T17:33:00.002Z

I am crying out,

but can you hear me,

floating out here

past the drift.

I am crying out,

not sure the reason,

but here I am

all the same.

I am alright

I know that for certain

but what if alright

is not good enough?

I am fighting,

but can't see what I'm fighting,

something hidden

beyond my grip.

Is there a problem

behind no problems

something that I

have maybe missed?

I am crying,

crying out from the water

no direction

to head in.

I am crying out,

filling my lungs to shout

out to the darkness

to know I am here.

I posted this on my other blog about a month ago and it seems appropriate for today so thought I would post it here.

Moving On

2010-09-03T17:55:00.002+01:00

So I'm off to Wales tomorrow and everybody keeps asking if I'm excited. The truth is I am not. I'm not dreading it either. There was so much to get done before I went that I was overwhelmed with the details. Now that I have slowly ticked my way through that list and I am sitting in my sister's house, now officially homeless, I feel a little numb.

It seems the only thing that has really made an impact is shipping my cat off to my parents. I had to take her to them as I cannot have her in my temporary accommodation. I knew that I would miss her but I wasn't prepared for the overwhelming grief I felt on not having her there.

But I am headed down a path and I must see it through. It is the right right path even though I have no idea where it leads. I guess I will have to see.

Wobble

2010-07-25T21:48:00.000+01:00

I have no skill for certainty. It is something that has always eluded me, like a ghost of an idea skittering in the depths of my mind. Just when I think I know what I am about a distraction arrives to send me spinning in the opposite direction.

Of some things I am certain, for now, before the doubt sets in and I ask myself, if I got what I want would I really be happy? And then I start to doubt, doubt whether I'm up to it, whether I should save myself the embarrassment of defeat and shut myself away. Whether I am in fact happier as I am, in my cave by myself. Safe.

This is all pretty silly and I will press on regardless. Certain in my uncertainty, hoping that where I'm headed is better than where I've been. Hope is a funny and unexpected beast.

Definitely going to Wales

2010-07-14T15:37:00.002+01:00

I am now officially going to Wales for my teacher training. I have jumped through the hoops required of me and the powers that be have given me the nod. Now starts the sorting of the practical things that come with moving house.

So much to do and only 7 weeks do it in.

Last Night

2010-06-26T19:01:00.002+01:00

I was a little harsh last night. The night was good. I reconnected with somebody who had at one point been a good friend. N is so supportive and encouraging. I had forgotten how good it was to be around her and I felt inspired by her attitude.

I'm glad I went.

Tonight

2010-06-25T23:41:00.000+01:00

I did not know what to do. That threw me. I couldn’t bring myself to look. That surprised me. Why couldn’t I look? I had no idea what I would feel when I did and that freaked me out. I did a runner. It’s not the first time. I’m just so disappointed in myself. What is wrong with me?

Part of me wanted to face it. I think I like the idea of it but not the reality. I cannot handle reality. It all looks so much better in my head. But I can’t live there anymore.

I failed.

Damn

Obsessing

2010-06-21T17:33:00.001+01:00

What is with me that I can’t seem to sustain this whole happiness thing? I have been feeling pretty good lately. Spirits up, so to speak. I have plenty going on and plenty to look forward to. It’s a fresh start for me and I’ve really been feeling it in a good way.

Yesterday I slipped. I had a really down day for no apparent reason whatsoever. Of course there must be a reason, there is always a reason, but I could not pinpoint it. In the afternoon I fell off the ‘obsessing’ wagon. I became so completely bogged down with working out what was wrong with me that I made myself worse.

At this point I got out my tarot cards, which turned out to be a monumental mistake. I was not in the right frame of mind to interpret them properly and they only served to confuse me more. Then I spiralled down a line of questioning that I’m pretty sure is not healthy.

It seems when I fall off the wagon I do it in some style! One thing it has shown me though is how useless and unsettling this over-analytical obsessing really is. It makes no real positive difference, only negative.

I end up worrying about things that I shouldn’t be thinking about yet that may never happen. I know I have issues with paralysing fear and this impulse heightens that.

I have a very animal ‘freeze or retreat’ mechanism when it comes to fear. The first sign of the unknown has me either hightailing it in the opposite direction or being so frozen by fear that I cannot do anything.

The scariest part of this is that I know my fear stops me from being happy a lot of the time. Occasionally I will surprise myself and plough on regardless but not often. I am risk averse and it is costing me more than I am prepared to lose.

Heaven?

2010-06-03T16:52:00.000+01:00

Last night I dreamed I was lying in bed. The sun danced in patterns across the crisp cotton bedding. It was early and a soft breeze crept in through the window I had opened last night. I had a memory of opening it to the night sky hoping the passage of air would break the heat of the evening. It had worked. It was the perfect temperature, warm and cosy under the covers but not oppressive. Fresh clean air circled around my cocoon tickling my nose with the faint scents of lavender mixed with the salty fragrance of the sea.

I felt safe and comforted by the warming presence at my back, his slow breath a gentle reminder I was not alone. A protective arm was draped across my stomach in sleeping disarray a weight anchoring me to the world, stopping me from getting trapped in my own head again.

I lay in the silence listening for the sounds of the coming day from outside. Somewhere in the world outside birds were cawing. There was no other sound, no cars or human disturbance to break the peace I felt and in that moment I imagined I could hear the waves braking on the shore.

I knew every inch of my small existence. I knew the informal garden beneath the window opened out into woodland to the east and that if I followed the path along the lush green field, which was slowly turning golden, to the west I would meet the sea. There the white surf skittered up the beach only to retreat towards the horizon.

All this I knew and yet it doesn’t exist, my little piece of Nirvana.

Steps

2010-05-23T12:17:00.002+01:00

So this week has been a busy one. I have been scurrying around trying to arrange everything I need for September. I am surprised by how much I'm getting done. I am usually from the school of procrastination (why do anything today when it can be put off until tomorrow!), but without prompting or prodding I have pushed on through the 'to do' list.

The main practical hurdles I have to jump before I head to Wales are to spend some time observing in a Secondary School and learning to drive. The first easier than the second but both fairly time consuming.

I have filled in lots of forms, applied for student finance, organized some school observation, renewed my provisional driving license and sent off for my Criminal Records Bureau check.

All in all a very productive week and a positive step.

The things not said

2010-05-14T13:32:00.002+01:00

This is a long one so please stick with it. At the end of this week I sit in a very different place to where I started it. At the beginning of the week I was at the stage where I was living just in the present. This may sound like an easy task, but for me it was a huge step forward.

My entire life I've spent living many lives simultaneously. My brain would race on ahead planning out every eventuality to a decision before it was made, whilst also playing through how they would be different if I had made a different choice before that. On the plane of my life there were so many hypothetical scenarios that I felt immobilized by them. I know from talking to others that this is linked to my ME. Quite how I'm unsure, but it is something every ME sufferer I've spoken to deals with. I have conversations that happen with people in my head that are so accurate I have trouble remembering if they really happened. I think through problems so thoroughly that by the time I voice my answers they sound like fact, when I have in fact made them up. I create whole worlds in my head where I can lose myself for hours at a time (sometimes whilst actually going about daily activities, including conversations with people!).

These are kinks in my brain that I have long since recognized as unchangeable parts of myself. Some of these I would not give up for anything as they are the source of my creativity and because I feel lonely without that constant companion in my mind. Others I have wished I could rid myself of.

Finally I achieved this. I have spent the last 3 weeks living in the now, making decisions as they arose and then moving on without any analysis. I have not obsessed about anything. This is huge progress. My not blogging for a while has helped with this. The temptation is always too strong not to dissect everything here, so I haven't.

The trouble came this week because I have news I want to share here. I have not talked about a decision I made 6 weeks ago or the events that followed because I did not want to think about it. I have waxed lyrical here about every move I've made in the last year and every time I have had to come back here and explain that it had not worked out. I didn't want to do that this time so I kept it to myself. I guess I will be telling the whole story in one go, so please bare with me on this mammoth sized posting.

At Easter I re-evaluated what I wanted and how I could get it and still enjoy myself. I knew wanted to get out of Norfolk, I wanted to teach and that one day I would like to be in a position to do my MA. I decided that I might have chosen the wrong age group to teach (there are reasons for this I may go into another time).

I applied for a teacher training course in Secondary level English in Aberystwyth (Wales). I viewed this as a long shot, thinking realistically I had no experience in that age group, and that I would need to re-apply next year.

3 weeks ago they asked me to go for an interview. It was a 6 hour drive each way. I thought the journey would be hell but it was easy compared to the interview. I left the interview feeling like I had been run over. I was not hopeful, but as soon as I left the interview I forgot about it. I figured there was nothing I could do from that point so I got on with my life.

Wednesday They offered me a place on the course. I was stunned. There are some hoops they want me to jump through before I arrive but none that are insurmountable. I have gone from not thinking ahead to having to as there is so much to do. Now though I get to concentrate on practical things not hypothetical scenarios that will never happen.

Blowing out the Cobwebs

2010-04-30T17:42:00.002+01:00

I have felt blocked when it comes to my blog recently. I have been checking in with people, reading their blogs but leaving very few comments.

I looked at my template today and felt bogged down and heavy. The colours seemed oppressive so I have changed it and I already feel better. We'll see if any inspiration hits.

Connections

2010-03-18T11:32:00.002Z

My Grandfather died 2 days ago. For me it feels odd how little this news affects me. I found out he was ill a week ago and now he is dead. In that week he has been mentioned more than he has my entire life combined, which is what I feel sad about.

My other Grandad died nearly 5 years ago and it was so different. He was my Mum's dad and he was such a huge part of my life that his loss was felt for a long time. Even now I miss him and situations and objects trigger memories. Memories I will treasure and pass on to my children (if I have any).

I only have one vague memory of my Dad's dad because I only met him once. I was 15 and we were visiting my Grandma and we popped in to see him before we travelled home. We weren't there long and no real connection was made.

It's just sad to me that I will never know him, know what he liked, what made him laugh. I feel more emotion thinking about the death of my old cat than I do my own Grandfather and there's a wrongness to that that really troubles me.

The decisions we make every day determine whether we stay connected to people. We make choices about our lives that mean we have to give up some things. We pull some people close and let others drift away, but do we ever really think about what that means, about what we are giving up?

I know I didn't. Maybe I should start.

Busy-ness

2010-03-04T11:08:00.002Z

So it's 2 days until my first craft fair and I am so busy getting ready. Because of illness and laziness I was miles behind at the beginning of the week. I have spent the week so far up to my neck in fabric making cute little baby clothes and foam cubes covered in fabric.

At the moment I feel optimistic about having enough stuff to sell, it'll be a little on the light side but enough to get me to the end of the day I think. It's a little nerve wracking though.

I have been making things with fabric ever since I can remember and I love the feeling of creating something totally unique, attractive and useful all at the same time. But this is different. I've never really tried to sell what I've made before. I have made things for friends and family before but they have to at least pretend to like the items.

I'm putting myself out there. If it goes well then it could be the start of something but it might also bomb. Scary. So here comes the shameless plug, I will be setting up stall in Cloisters Hall at St Andrews Hall in Norwich on Saturday 9:30-3:30.

Will try to post some pictures of my endeavors at some point in the next few days. Anyway I must get back to making things.

Dead Lions

2010-02-15T19:22:00.003Z

So yesterday whilst lying as still as possible on the floor letting a group of children on a sugar high stuff ice cubes down my back I came to several realizations. Firstly, this was perhaps the strangest thing I'd participated in on a Sunday for quite some time and also I didn't remember Dead Lions being this extreme.

It was slightly ironic after the week I've had that I would be excelling at Dead Lions by the end of it. (For those of you who don't know Dead Lions is a children's game where everybody has to lie really still whilst somebody distracts you. If you move you are out.) I have spent my week festering, first in bed and then on my sofabed surrounded by tissues and drugs with an extreme cold that wouldn't let me sleep but left me incapable of anything else. Needless to say a very frustrating week.

I am feeling a lot better now though, the cold is still there but manageable, and so found my way out of my house on Friday. I ventured to the beach, to Wells-next-to-Sea to be precise, I wrapped up like an eskimo (most unlike me), grabbed my camera and headed out into the cold. I was so fed up of the same four walls and my own company. I had a great time. It was freezing and I couldn't stay out long but I really needed it.

During the week I had an Epiphany. I realised just how much time I wasted on Facebook and how little I cared about the majority of things that go on there. Whilst I had the urge, before I backed out and stayed shackled to a website I hadn't wanted to join anyway, I deactivated my account. I have to say it feels great. definitely the right decision.

The weekend brought my Sister-in-Law's birthday which consisted of a birthday tea surrounded by children and party games. I won Dead Lions and ate a piece of Dora the Explorer birthday cake before heading home to my cat and the blissful silence.

Support

2010-01-31T17:41:00.002Z

So it's been a week and I haven't posted anything up here. Now that I am I find I don't know what to say. I guess I say that a lot and I eventually find some self-centred drivel to post up here. At the moment I have plenty to be down about but I also have plenty to be thankful for. I thought I would take a moment to think about other people instead of myself.

I was just reading Mog's blog and I feel terrible for her. In some ways I know what she's going through as I have had money problems which meant that I went bankrupt just over a year ago. I know that for her her money troubles are worse as she has more to lose than I did. A lot of people are in this boat with her in this recession and I hope that they have the support network that I had as it makes all the difference. To Mog, I am here for you with whatever help you need. You are not alone.

My sister is currently embarking on the hard journey towards getting a degree at 32. I have to say I was dubious at first as she does tend to go off on whims and then get bored after a couple of months but she seems to be serious about this. This is a big deal for her as she has always believed herself too stupid for higher education, which is totally not true. She learns in a different way to the way they used to teach in schools back in our day (I sound really old!) and there was no support system for those who had trouble with the teaching methods. It was difficult for her and overcoming her own negative experiences has been a big challenge for her. I really hope it works out for her.

Another close friend of mine is caring for her parents. Everywhere she turns people treat her like she's after a free ride, like she's using her parents as an excuse to sponge off the government. I know the path she's chosen is a hard one, most of her time is spent looking after her parents or sorting problems for them. She hardly has any time for herself or her friends and the government treats her like scum. She has to fight for everything and I wish there was something to make her load a little lighter. All I can do is be there for her.

These three women all have their own problems and burdens but they are always there for me when I need them. They are my support network and I'm am extremely grateful for them. I hope they know I am here for them.

Slipping - Postcard Fiction

2010-01-23T22:55:00.002Z

I met up with Mog today and we did some writing exercises and I promised I would blog the results so this is the first one. If you haven't been completely put off by this morsel feel free to check out the other on The Cherrypicker or Mog's work on Time to Tell the World.

Slipping

The condensation clung desperately to the glass as it began to slip down the vertical sides towards the mahogany stain table top. There it joined the amassing throng of water congregating at the ring. As the glass lifted free of the surface the water converged on the dry centre to be squashed by the returning glass.

Saul stared at the slowly changing water with marked concentration far beyond the capacity of his usual five pint threshold. It was becoming increasingly difficult to forget the hollow shell he wished to obliterate.

He raised his glass again and gulped down the dregs of his pint. The face that floated before him as a constant reminder faded with every swallow. One more pint should do the trick.

Pick Me Up

2010-01-18T12:32:00.003Z

Hey, just to let you know out there that I haven't fallen into a big hole of despair. I have reread my post from last week and it is so negative. I am not going to apologize, although I did consider it, but I'm not. It was an honest view of where my head was at in that moment and I'm glad I put it out there.

I left the pity party fairly quickly and just got on with life. I really thought about what I was thinking at that point and threw it out. I went back to my original thinking about what was important to me and what I was going to do about it.

I got distracted by the possibilities and began concentrating on things from the wrong way round. My priority has always been being Happy above anything else including career. When I think about my recent disappointment in this frame of mind it doesn't seem that bad.

I have plans again. I am pressing on with my writing, because I have to try and feeling happy with my writing is the most important thing to me. I also haven't given up on teaching. I am going to get some advice about where I went wrong and what I can do to make myself more appealing to the university, then I'm going to re-apply next year.

Failure

2010-01-14T16:20:00.001Z

I received word today that I didn't get into the second teaching course I applied for.

To say I’m not surprised is true, to say I’m miserable, perhaps also true, but mostly I’m terrified. Teaching was my practical option. My sensible choice. It was the thing that I figured I would enjoy and was the most likely to be successful of any of my courses of action. Now it has fallen through. I am completely without anchor because I’d convinced myself not to plan for every eventuality. I have no plan B at this stage, nothing to push me forward.

All other ideas of what would make me happy are not practical. I have spent many hours pouring over what I would like to be doing and none are financially viable:

I want another degree – I feel I wasted a lot of my 1^st degree and although I enjoyed the creative based work I would like to do something more theory based. The problem with this is that it would cost way more money than I could ever think to afford.

I want to write – If I could make a living from writing my life would be wonderful. It is my dream to be able to write knowing I didn’t need any other form of income. This is problematic as it is highly unlikely to ever happen. Even if I manage to get published it is unlikely to bring me large enough sums of money to make ends meet.

I want an MA – Again my need for intellectual stimulation rears its ugly head. What I would really like is to push through to PHD level and teach University level students. The problem with this is again financial. It would cost a lot more than I could find to do this. It is not an option.

I love designing and making things – I have been making handmade baby clothes the past few weeks as something to fill my time. I have booked a table at some small craft fairs over the next few months to see if they sell. I love doing this, it feels so calming but this is also not a practical way of making money. My output on making these things is not enough to make any decent money from them. It’s a nice supplement to any income but not an income in it’s own right.

These are all I have left in my list of things I would enjoy doing, none of which are practical options. I know I can’t go back to working in an office again it just kills me physically and mentally. Shops are also a no no because of my ME (I have trouble shopping in shops on my own let alone working in one).

I keep reaching, trying to find a solution, an option of some kind that is not going to make me ill and I come back with nothing. Where I go from here I don’t know and that scares the hell out of me.

waking up

2010-01-04T15:52:00.002Z

I wrote 1500 words today. I have been having trouble getting sat down and writing something that isn't just self-indulgent drivel but this is not awful. It is actually something that fits with a project I keep trying to get off the ground which is good news.

Don't get me wrong it's really rubbish at the moment and it's going to need a hell of lot of work. But its something and something feels good.

A small step away from complete inactivity.

Procrastination

2010-01-03T12:09:00.001Z

My ability to procrastinate shocks even me sometimes. I have spent the week doing pretty much fuck all, apart from reading a couple of books. I’ve not even got dressed most days, preferring to veg on the sofa in my PJs. I have plans, plans I’m excited about, but the more I think about it the more immobile I become, the longer I lay in bed and the less I seem to do of anything. I know this habit, its one I’m very familiar with but I have yet to learn to break it. I know what I want which is a real rarity for me and now I’m left frustrated with my own lack of movement on these issues.

I guess the problem is more about my own need to know what I’m doing and the possible outcomes before proceeding. This is ok in principle but what happens when I don’t know where it will lead? This is what happens, the rabbit in headlights look descends. It really winds me up because not all my life is like that. Most of my life I have sorted in my head and I have the possible outcomes all mapped out. I know how to get those things therefore I can predict a series of outcomes that I am ready for.

There is only one thing that I haven’t been able to sort out in my head. This is because I don’t know how proceed because I’ve never done it before. I have very little frame of reference to draw from having just happened upon it the last time, besides I would not want to base anything I do now on that as it was such a spectacular disaster!

My brain doesn’t function without a plan, at all. I haven’t got a clue how I’m going to get this particular thing on the list. As usual if there’s just one thing that’s not 100% thought through my brain goes into shut down. It’s like ‘Wing it?... Do not compute!’ I get absolutely nothing done, even the stuff I know what I’m doing with. I have no idea how to break this particular manifestation of my inner control freak and it’s annoying the hell out of me.

Any suggestions?

Positive Mental Attitude

2009-12-21T12:21:00.002Z

It's been an interesting few weeks for me. I've caught up with some friends I've not seen for a while, nearly been run over and been disappointed and through it all (bar 1 day) have managed to keep my upbeat attitude.

After a very busy week I had the worst day with ME than I have had for a long time. I just let it have me for the day curling into a ball and telling the outside world to go to hell. By the evening I still felt awful and had so much going through my mind that I decided to write out. I considered blogging it but I found that some things are just too personal. I kept it though, I thought I might revisit what I found when I feel ready for it.

The next day I felt ready to face the outside world again and thought I was doing much better. Apparently I was not as with it as I thought because I walked out in front of a car! Luckily the driver was more alert than I was and managed to stop in time to just run over my toe. At this point I could have been dismayed and gone down the spiral of what could have happened but instead I just thought how lucky I was that it hadn't been worse and then moved on.

A week ago I received another blow. I have been turned down for the teacher training course I applied for in Scotland. As I read the news I thought I would be overwhelmed with the downer of failure. I wasn't. My mind automatically started thinking of alternatives and within 15 minutes I had found a course somewhere else and applied for it.

This new positive attitude is a strange animal that I have very little experience of. My entire life plan has been altered and I'm still feeling positive. I can make anything work. Whatever happens I know I can cope with it and find something else to aim for.

Well thats different

2009-12-02T21:23:00.002Z

Well I guess it's that time of year again. This year it feels a little different. At the moment I'm really trying to make sense of how I feel about a lot of things. I made some decisions this year, decisions I feel I've been leading up to for a while. I felt I'd come a long way last October, when on my birthday I spouted about my journey and how I felt so much better and so on. I guess I did at the time feel a little smug, like I had made this big leap forward, like that was the destination.

Obviously I know how that ends, there is no destination just the long path we walk through until we can't walk anymore. That path can be frightening or boring, happy, sad or middling, that part is up to the traveller I guess. This last year has had its ups and downs and many moments where I have felt that I am achieving nothing. I have been silent and I have not been able to shut up, I have been really lonely for the first time, I have felt connected and disconnected.

Importantly I have made some big decisions about what I want and taken steps to get there. I have looked closely at what I don't want and was a little surprised at what I found there. Now, as christmas nears and brings with it the end of another year my thoughts have settled on what I do want and I was surprised. Not really surprised by what is in there but how I feel about it.

I have been cynical for so long, shutting out the things I used to want. Five years ago I opened up the possibility of something that I loved to be a part of my life. In taking that step I didn't realize what else I would receive and what other possibilities would open along the way. I found real friends who I feel I'll be friends with for the rest of my life and I found that the person I am is not that bad.

I am looking at what I want with hope. A feeling I wasn't sure I still had. It's difficult to explain but a long time ago I broke and it took a lot to put myself back together. I made myself a new life but I still felt broken. I shied away from the things I had wanted, deciding I couldn't have them anymore. I have been slowly picking up the things I left and now I want them all back. I am not the same as I was back then but what I want hasn't changed and thats ok because I'm better able to deal with them now. More importantly I feel like I deserve them. And you have no idea how odd that feels.

The only problem is my whole attitude has made a turn for the romantic, which has not happened for a very long time. I have been lusty, obsessive, infatuated but not romantic. I'm not sure what to do with this. I am in exactly the position to be swept off my feet, but there is nobody around to do the sweeping...

Finally done it

2009-11-16T19:06:00.003Z

So the primary teaching course application is all done and sent. It is beyond my meddling and procrastination and in the hands of those in the know. I spent a long time worrying and trying to think through every possible obstacle and in the end I just bit the bullet.

I definitely want to teach, that has never been the problem. I decided I wanted to move at the same time and it was that that worried me. I jumped back and forth about where I was applying to, my heart pulling me one way and my head telling me it was not sensible. I went for my heart in the end with the optimistic theory that all the issues could be sorted.

Now I've done it I feel relieved. Give it a couple of weeks and I'll be worried again but for now I'm good.

By Firelight

2009-11-08T18:35:00.002Z

I feel the leaves crackle beneath my feet as I look up and find you

haloed in fire light. Your effervescent glow in the raging bonfire

fills me with a heat not known by mere flickering flame.

The light catches your hair as the soft tendrils dance

in the light breeze of the chilled evening.

The sun has set behind me, the last vestiges of day

have finally given up its steely grasp on the expectant revellers.

They mill about the firelight like moths drawn to its warm embrace.

I stand clear in the newly formed shadow watching you dance

around the crowd capturing all those you look upon

and wonder when it was that you first seized my heart and clamped

it in your fist. A tight embrace I would never relinquish.

Darkness takes the party as the smell of burning permeates the air,

the firelight and you are the only barriers to the cold night that

seeps in around our small gathering. Groups huddle protectively

both anxious and enthralled by evening’s soft kiss on their cheek

the tender stroke of its cold fingers down their necks

and along fragile arms folded across chests.

A shiver passes through your body though you do not flinch,

smiling into the encroaching darkness in anticipation

of further delights offered only in dark hours.

The sky explodes into life illuminating the grounds once more,

touching all the faces with hues of green and red.

You see my face illuminated in man-made stars destined to burn out in a heartbeat.

Your eyes penetrate my being and send the cacophony of many fireworks

skittering to the back of my mind. Our breath holds us,

sentinels watching the world catch light and burn around us.

Reflected in your eyes I see myself rooted as the light of the world

rains down on me and for a moment it is beautiful.

Then I fade again to nothing the stars gone out, too fierce to linger.

The leaves crackle beneath my feet as I turn back to the darkness.

The silent room

2009-10-27T17:25:00.003Z

So the hushed silence from my end of the virtual room has not gone unnoticed by myself. I battened down the hatches and hunkered in for some silent time and I am not sure why.

My birthday came and went very uneventfully. My birthdays always tend to be quiet but this year was even more low key. Not that I didn't do anything just that it was done in dribs and drabs as though my mind couldn't handle more than one person at a time. It was exactly what I felt like doing but it felt like a non-event.

I visited my parents and started my volunteer work in a school, both of which are good things. My life isn't hideous, I'm plodding along but somethings not right.

I haven't written in a while and it's been a month since I blogged last. After the roller coaster my life has been the past two years I have plateaued and it doesn't feel right. There is nothing wrong that I can put my finger on but I have a niggling feeling.

hmmm...

Negativity is bad for your health

2009-09-26T11:38:00.002+01:00

So this week I have mostly been feeling awful. I have had a constant headache and felt like I was coming down with something really nasty. General feeling sorry for myself ensued until thursday I was forced out of my house by unpleasant financial issues which should not have happened.

I was so angry and frustrated it fueled my ill ass getting into town to have a go at a few people and try and sort it. I know I looked awful, but I didn't care, I was being taken for a ride and I wasn't having it. When I got back I was tired but my headache had eased.

Friday I got up feeling positive and my headache had gone. It made me wonder whether I was feeling negative because I was ill or feeling ill because I was being negative. I guess it's a chicken and egg scenario. Either way they both disappeared at the same time.

Black and White - Peeping at the surface

2009-09-18T15:05:00.003+01:00

So the facts are:

The day after I had the good news I had a school to volunteer in I had some bad news. I got made redundant. Now those of you who have followed my blog for a while will be a little confused as I had only just started the job. After 4 weeks of working in a job I didn't hate they get rid of me. So I am back on the unemployed pile, forced to jump through the government hoops to get money that, lets face it, even a monkey couldn't live on!

I think what made it worse was that my tv had broke the week before and I had borrowed money from my parents to buy a new one with the promise to pay it back quickly out of my new wages. Oops! so now I'm poor again with the added guilt that I owe money. How annoying!

Second Hiccup came later in the week. I decided that I wanted to move to Scotland. I'd lived in Scotland for a while when I was younger but had not been ready to be that far away from my family. I really loved it though and think it's now time for the change. I figured I may as well do my teacher training there rather than have to wait until I'm done before moving up there.

So I was going through my study options when I glanced at the entry requirements. In England I have all the grades necessary but apparently not so for Scotland! If I want to teach there I need to re-sit a GCSE I thought I was done with 11 years ago.

After a bit of ranting, followed by disbelief I had to weigh my options. If I really wanted to teach in Scotland then I would need to swallow my pride and re-take the damn GCSE. So I did.

The problem was that I was already booked on a textile course that I was really looking forward to. With my recent poverty I could not justify paying out a second lot of money on a course so I did the mature, adult thing and cancelled the textile course and instead booked on my GCSE course. :-(

It felt like the first of many sacrifices I was going to have to make to have a stable adult life that didn't suck. I guess with this and the redundancy I was visited by what my blogging friend calls the Self Pity Gnome. No worries though I sent him packing as is only right and have gone back to blindly pushing on ignoring any niggling doubts I have.

On the positive side my new course is on an afternoon which I could not have made if I was still working, so perhaps my redundancy was meant to be?

Sewing With My Grandmother

2009-09-17T00:26:00.001+01:00

The crisp, clean piece of white cloth was handed to me with quiet reverence. I let it pass through my hands feeling its properties, the starched stiffness of a new project barely embarked on. Around the edges it was finished with lace trim much softer than the main fabric, delicate to the touch. The sensual rub of the lace pattern delicately dancing across my fingertips.

To one corner I noticed the transferred design boldly infringing on the stark perfection of the fabric. The bold blue lines seemed clumsy and intrusive against the elegance of the lace. Remembering my purpose I looked up to my grandmother.

Her face was lit half with amusement and half with impatience as she held out two rings in her hands waiting for me to take them. I took the white one first. The cold hard plastic was strange to the touch, its outer edge concave. I carefully placed the ring beneath the fabric meticulously lining it up so the transfer was in the centre.

I reached for the second ring. It was dusky peach in colour and completely unlike the first. It had the consistency of rubber, flopping comically in my hand. I noticed with some confusion that there was a small brass ring attached to its side glinting slightly in the sun filtering through the lacy net curtains.

I pushed the second ring over the first as I had been shown, trying to keep the material taut. It was messily done and I had to straighten it out before my grandmother noticed the imperfect ripples over the fabric. I lifted it to the light with my chubby childhood fingers marvelling at my success in the first task, which would one day enable me to create masterpieces like my grandmothers.

My hand dropped and I started to fidget on the sofa, the soft sheen navy fabric clinging to my legs in the warmth of the room. I fingered the space next to me where the large peacock stared back out at me through its fabric prison.

My stomach lurched as the lesson began.

Growing pains

2009-09-16T22:59:00.003+01:00

Hey, it's been a week already and no blog. I guess I didn't know where to start or what to say or what to leave out. Some things I guess are difficult to convey in black and white. Like I've said before, for someone who perpetually sticks their head in the sand, it is always scary to see the contents of ones life in print. It's so final.

I went to see Julie and Julia tonight. I wasn't expecting much. I viewed it as my indulgence, a fluff movie about cookery and I thought it's just what I needed. It was more than just a sickly sweet film about food. Something really struck a chord with me. The modern part of the story is about a woman who is stuck. She's a failed writer who is working a thankless desk job. In an attempt to give herself focus she decides to cook everything in a well known cookbook in a year and blog about it.

It got me thinking about blogs and life in general. I am no longer stuck, I have a plan which I'm following, overcoming each obstacle as it arrives. I am working towards a goal. I am no longer directionless. But am I happy?

I guess the answer is not really. I have the beginnings of an actual life again, I have plans that will make my life ok. Is it what I really want to be doing? Probably not, but who really does what they actually want? My plans push me into adulthood where dreams are shelved for more practical endeavors. It is a place where second choice is really not that bad. I try to get excited about my new adult life but I guess it alludes me. How I wish I could.

Because in the end second best should be good enough, some people don't even get that. They slave away at jobs they hate just to get by. Why should I be any different? Dreams are only dreams because they are ideals when in the end real life is about compromise.

And still I haven't actually told you what is going on with me in the real world. Instead I rattled on about the world in my head and never had to confirm in print words I'd rather bury in the sand as far from my head as possible.

Dickensian Boy

2009-09-07T18:05:00.003+01:00

Lit by the harsh florescent light
A smile thins his lips
momentarily disturbing the route
of a glinting spoon piled
with cereal.

A bowl balances the scene
jauntily held
in statement more than purpose.

He glides into the classroom
to an open desk
in simulated nonchalance,
discarding the bowl noiselessly
on the Formica surface.

An exhibit in a freak show
created to obscure
a mundane life.

Out of our time he floats among us
long enough
to assert his oddball brilliance
without a hint of irony
in his sunken eyes and glib persona.

He scries oratory delights on
crinkled scraps of paper tied together
with a blue shoelace.

He vanishes when not in our midst,
delving the depths of obscurity,
hands buried in patched pockets
of a gentleman’s blazer.
Hunched against the tide of modernity.

An over intellectualized ghost
of a personality hiding behind
his clever words and witty rhetoric.

This poem is based on a purely fictional character. Any resemblance to a person living or dead is coincidental and unintended!!

Spot the difference for those following Cherrypicker. Better worse or the same?

Back to School

2009-09-07T12:29:00.002+01:00

So today, after a seven week wait, I finally went into the junior school that had agreed to see me about volunteering. Strangely I didn't feel nervous at all. I walked into the school and knew that I would be comfortable there. I had spent time worrying over the summer that just because I wanted to teach that it didn't mean I'd be any good at it. I had no idea how I would feel being in a school again.

I'm sure now that if I decide to teach that I'll be good at it. It's a strange certainty that hit me as I sat in an empty classroom talking to the learning support teacher. I feel comfortable in that environment, if I'm going to do anything apart from write for a living this is it.

They were really friendly and keen for me to help out with them. She pulled out the card I had made whilst talking to me and kept drawing attention to it. So I guess that worked. I have a few legal hoops to jump first (CRB) but once that is done I will be a volunteer teaching assistant!

Feeling good

2009-08-29T11:34:00.002+01:00

So my life is fairly positive at the moment. I expected to feel a lot of things after starting to work again but what I did not expect was to feel well. I feel more well than I have in over 2 years! My head is clear, my muscles aren't screaming at me and I'm feeling reasonably social. The optimist in me thinks this may be the end of this period of ME hell. If it is then thats brilliant!

I'm probably jumping ahead of myself so I am being cautious, keeping a close eye on my health. I had a milestone this week, I came off the medication given to me for the worst period of my illness. 2 months ago I decided that it wasn't doing me any good anymore, maybe even making me worse. So I started cutting my dose to wean myself off them and the results were amazing. Over the last few weeks I've been slowly getting better, feeling brighter and ready to tackle the world again.

Finally this week I have come off them completely. The relief is more than I describe here. I know how depressed it made me when I went back on them in the first place, it felt like a failure, it signified my inability to control my illness. Since then I've worked through a lot of the issues I've had about having ME and have accepted that I will never control it. I just have to live with the illness and do all I can to make my life easier. I wasn't expecting the relief of ridding myself of the retched medication that I think may make things worse.

Next time I start getting ill, and I know there will be a next time, I'm not sure I'll take it. We'll see anyway, if my theories on the cyclical behaviour of my illness is right, I don't need to worry about that question for another 2-3 years.

Whoosh!

2009-08-23T16:31:00.003+01:00

Another week gone and its really flown by. I managed to get some things done but there are many things I haven't. I'm still feeling fairly positive but also a little frustrated. I guess I always have a million things on my to do list and I barely scratch the surface.

I have made great strides with my quilt, nearly 50 squares done already! I have managed to get through my first full week at work without major incident and I finished reading my book. But I've gone another week without writing anything, no research done for my book and my house is a tip!

Why is it there is never enough time to get everything done? There are some women that do it all and seem so organized and on top of things. I doubt I will ever be one of those women. Look out for me running behind that woman, late, ragged, with bits flying everywhere just one step away from being mistaken for a hobo!

A new job

2009-08-16T19:44:00.003+01:00

So this week I have been busy starting a new job. It happened kinda quickly and took me by surprise. I guess I've been looking for a job for months and had stopped thinking I'd get anywhere and then out of the blue I'm employed.

I now write information packs for a company who arranges for volunteers to go abroad to help in orphanages and schools etc. It has actually been fairly interesting so far, learning about places like Ghana and Thailand. It is also pretty stress free which is so important for my ME. I just head in, work on the computer and then leave. When I get home I don't think about it until I go back in the next day.

It feels so strange to be back in work again after so long. I went off sick from my job last June and never went back. 14 months of contemplating my own navel has done me some good I hope. I won't be making the same mistakes again and hopefully I will fare better than before.

I'm feeling positive.

Christmas is coming

2009-08-09T10:56:00.002+01:00

So this week I started thinking about Christmas. I know what you're thinking, a bit premature, getting in there even before the shops. But I make quite a few of the presents I send so it is important to get an early start. So Monday I started thinking what I wanted to do this year for my nearest and dearest.

I'm always taken by surprise by how relaxing sewing is. Somewhere inside me a switch flips when I get fabric in my hands and start bending it into something new. A calm descends and I feel connected. I feel home. I don't know if that makes sense at all but that's how it is.

When I was younger I learnt a lot of crafts, sewing, knitting, embroidery etc. but when I hit my teens I slowly stopped doing it. The last thing I made was a dress when I was 15 and then after that nothing.

I went through nearly a decade where I didn't do any sewing or knitting or anything. Then, whilst doing my degree I started playing around with fabric again. I fell totally in love with the process. Differences with the same Likeness wrote a blog the other day that got me thinking, about the nature of quilting. I guess for me the process of creating with fabric is something that I shared with my mother and my grandmother and they shared with theirs. It is a tangible link to the past, where I come from, it's my anchor to memories I'd forgotten. It's comfortable, familiar and at the end you don't just get a quilt or item of clothing, or whatever it is you create, you have the memories of the process which will always be linked to the item.

I have to say I've been a little lost of late, which I think is obvious from my blog, I've been preoccupied with so many things which are important and I forgot to do the things that really mean something.

I signed up for a textiles course last week, I figured that just because I haven't got my life sorted doesn't mean I have to stop doing things that I enjoy. I have started my Christmas crafty projects and everything is right with the world. I am myself and only myself and I am immersed in the world I love.

Just a little weirdness

2009-07-26T20:26:00.000+01:00

The boy that didn’t

A welsh dragon wanders the valleys waiting for a knight to come. Waiting for a chance to roar and prance in the dance of life and death, looking for a way to become fierce and strong like her mother before her. She walks the well-worn paths of her ancestors dreaming of the future, the excitement and thrill of the chase. Dragon catches glimpses of people who hide in the distance scared of her fire and passion expecting attack and pain. Curling up by the lake she preserves her energy for the fight to come.

The little boy plays with swords and jousts with friends, he seems aggressive and fierce. He watches the knights ride off to battle and fears for them. His stomach turns from stories told by the hearth to entertain and bolster warrior egos. He dreads the day they’ll send him to fight when he can longer hide his fear of blood or his reticence to strike the decisive blow. He will not do it. No knighthood for him.

Dragon slumbers in the valleys, an undetected mound never to be disturbed. Her destiny unfulfilled, heart broken.

The House Formally Known as Dell Cottage

2009-07-23T15:14:00.004+01:00

A shove to the door gains access

to the cavernous hallway lit by sun

dappled glass panels

etched with flowing flowers,

sentries standing guard at the door.

A tatty piece of ply is pinned above the door,

flaking shiny black paint pieces float

from the woodwork to mingle with glass

remnants that crack underfoot

until ground to dust, indistinguishable

from the other decay lining the parquet floor.

A thin layer of time rests over handrails

that sweep their sinewy path to the upper levels,

cast iron flowers wind their way

from tread to rail undeterred

by the decay, reminiscent of the flowers

clinging desperately to the proud façade.

Been fiddling around with this and not sure about the format, line breaks, construction etc. Feedback would be much appreciated.

Home Again

2009-07-20T20:35:00.002+01:00

I arrived home today from spending a week with my parents. I had a lovely time, but the best I can say is that I missed my cat. I don't know, I expected stronger reactions than I had. You know I thought I would be more excited to see them and sadder to leave.

Moggie has been saying that a lot of how I've been feeling lately is linked to my parents leaving. I've always been a bit skeptical of this idea and I would have thought that if that was the problem I would have had more of a reaction. Who knows?

Needless to say I had a great week. Happy to be home with my cat Hattie though.

Oh and a little bit of news, I managed to gain a volunteer position in a school for next year this week. All I need now is a job!

Nothing Doing

2009-07-11T22:55:00.002+01:00

So another week has passed and I am no further along than I was last week. There are so many things I want to be getting on with and this week I've just wasted time. It's not like I have an excuse about how much other stuff has been going on. I have had several days where my sole achievement has been getting dressed.

Maybe I'm being a bit hard on myself but then someone has to be. I'm not going to get anywhere unless I push myself.

Grrr

The Arrival.

2009-07-03T20:09:00.002+01:00

So today was the arrival of the weekend I've been planning for the last six months. Tomorrow Moggie, my mother and myself are heading to see Take That in concert at Wembley Stadium. It's the first time I've been to the new Wembley and I'm really looking forward to it.

Today is the beginning as it signaled the arrival of my Mum. Her and my Dad moved to Scotland in April and I haven't seen her since I helped them move. Of course the house was cleaned as though for a royal visit, my usual messy laidback style pushed aside slightly for a few days but it's worth it.

It's great to see her and the time has whizzed by since they left. So overall really looking forward to the weekend ahead.

What a Great Evening

2009-06-30T21:15:00.002+01:00

I've just spent the evening at a performance by people with learning difficulties. It was fabulous! Some of the dance and physical theatre pieces were really moving.

I have decided to post another Poem. I am still working on the previous one, but this is another for your perusal.

Sleeping Fish

Brilliant sunshine frolics on the bed sheets

sending shivers of envy through the bodies beneath,

enlivened shapes playfully dance and sway

to the rhythm of the sun’s drum.

Lavender air drifts in light waves through

the open window kissing the light drapes sending

them skittering across the parquet floor.

Long arms caress in the silky warmness

as sleepy minds drift between worlds,

just one moment before day begins.

Beautiful Pictures

2009-06-29T17:58:00.001+01:00

Margaret MacDonald MacKintosh

Cinderella

Panel painted on Vellum c.1901-23

2009-06-29T17:54:00.002+01:00

Margaret MacDonald MacKintosh

The White Rose and the Red Rose

Panel 1902

Just been looking at some of the work of Margaret MacDonald. It's just so beautiful I had to post some up here.

Places I Breath

2009-06-28T16:21:00.002+01:00

I was just thinking today about the places I connect with. The places I go back to over and over, the ones that automatically calm me. In the moments when you open the car door and step out into the scenery and life evens out and everything else melts away.

There are few places where I can feel completely still. My mind stills and I'm just there. I'm not thinking about the past and the future and everything in between. I am right there in the moment, feeling my way through the landscape.

The thing is that these places are all rural. The power of nature to keep me calm surprises me. I live in the city, I always have lived in fairly built up areas. Now I'm not sure why. If I feel calmer and more myself in the countryside why on earth am I living in the city?

Chasing Clouds

2009-06-24T18:03:00.002+01:00

This is a new poem I have just written. It is still in the early stages but I really could do with some feedback on it. Feel free to be brutal!

Chasing Clouds

The bright grass sways

around my prone state

as I spot shapes in the clouds.

The sun beats down,

I am on the warm side of comfortable,

an insubstantial mass of conscious

amongst the sentient brave.

The compacted ground beneath

my lying form sends my back

into spasm that does not ease

until I raise my legs.

Feet flat on the ground

knees peeking out from the grass

caps tickled by the gentle sway.

I wait here as the clouds advance over me

fluffy white delicacies will turn

into angry bruises roiling across

the sky like a petulant child threatening to cry

the droplets falling to caress my skin

clinging to the sanctuary.

Waking my deadened limbs.

Laying in this glade will not save me

the impending darkness lovingly calls

Staying does not deliver an inquiring mind,

it is just enough to mimic living

the grass not real, just as the fluffy

white bunnies in sky will not remain

when I open my eyes to the world.

Full Throttle

2009-06-22T19:48:00.002+01:00

So today I posted my volunteer requests to the schools in the area. I sent out my carefully crafted invites in their eye-catching envelopes addressed to each Headteacher personally. I stood and deposited them in the post box and realized I was holding my breath.

That's it. They are gone. The risk has been taken, the choice made. I didn't realize until I was stood there how important that step really was. I could have backed out before now, even after all the effort I put into creating the little cards, I could have thrown them away. For a split second that seemed like a tempting idea.

Now they are gone I guess the worry is less about what if they don't reply and more what if they do? I've made a decision and I'm not sure whether I can follow through. What if I get there and I suck? I could fail at this, I've never taught children before, they might hate me. These are the things I worried about the moments before the letters slid soundless into the box. Unlike usual though I have gone ahead regardless. I am going full throttle on this, to hell with the consequences.

That way, hopefully, I'll surprise myself.

Checking in

2009-06-19T11:58:00.002+01:00

Wow! What a week.

I've been so busy creating things and concentrating on my non-existing career. I've been looking for a job for the last 3 months and had got into a pattern of applying for anything that had the right amount of hours. I was sending out the same CV, churning out the same answers to application questions and getting nowhere.

When I was at college I attended many seminars in standing out in the creative market, individual looking CVs and the like but I had only ever applied that to creative applications. When looking for a normal job I would revert back to the old standard CV and covering letter.

After last week's decision to do teacher training to hopefully teach primary school, I realized I needed experience in a school. This week I was sorting out letters requesting voluntary work within primary schools. I started trying to do what I normally do, when a friend pointed out that they must receive quite a few of these requests and that maybe I should try something different.

She was right. I have made little notecards using illustrations that I have drawn this week and I have to admit they look quite good. It has spurred me on to put the same effort into my CV and applications. I have completely redeveloped my CV with illustrations in the background like a watermark. I really like them and they are really 'me'.

Whether it will get a better response than my previous one I don't know, but at least I will have given them something a little different to look at. And I will be going into any interview with them expecting me, not just another lemming .

What a Gorgeous Day

2009-06-12T18:53:00.002+01:00

The sun has been shining and I'm in a good mood. Today I took my 30 minutes writing outdoors to celebrate the lifting of the rain. It was lovely. I sat under a tree, listened to music and wrote.

It was a bit self-conscious to start with but after a few minutes I totally forgot there were people around me. I got so absorbed in writing I barely noticed the others stretched out across the park.

So overall a good day.

Old Friends

2009-06-10T14:11:00.002+01:00

I've been revisiting books I've read in the past recently and I have to say they haven't let me down. Books I remember from childhood and books from my angsty teen years and more recently discovered ones that were worth another read.

I've rediscovered The Little White Horse by Elizabeth Goudge and I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith, both books I loved in my early teens. Even now they have a charm that make them worth reading.

Next I visited Jane Austen and remembered just how much I like her. These days I guess it's not cool liking classic romance, I should be reading edgier stuff, but I can't help myself. Liking romance these days is like admitting you've sung along to a Michael Bolton song or cried at Neighbours! It's just not admitted to.

My younger preference for Pride and Prejudice has been replaced by my older and wiser self and Persuasion is current favorite. I feel as though some books are like old friends, warm and welcoming and reassuringly familiar. I'm all for boldly pushing the boundaries on fiction (I love Hunter S Thompson, Chuck Palahnuik) but sometimes there is something beautiful to be found in the familiar.

I feel myself luxuriating in characters I know better than some friends I've had. They are the books of my years and I'll always have a soft spot for them.

Next stop Room With a View and then perhaps I'll dive back into a Margaret Atwood.

New Layout

2009-06-09T17:36:00.001+01:00

Just changed my layout. Trying it out. What do you think?

Feedback appreciated. x

So, what do you do?

2009-06-09T16:37:00.002+01:00

Today I'm mostly contemplating the nature of work and why I can't seem to make up my mind what I'm going to do. Every week I have another way in which I'm going to get by financially and none of them stick. I guess I never really knew what I wanted to do when I grew up and I still don't.

There are many things that interest me and I find my attention span fairly short, which is not conducive to finding a long term career. When I think of an ideal world where I get to do my dream job, it's not a conventional job.

The bottom line is I want to be a writer. I suppose I already am. I write fiction. I sometimes dabble in poetry but my main thing is fiction. Ideally I would love to earn money with my writing but I think it's not that realistic and if I can do this it'll be a long way off.

There are jobs where I can use my creative juices to earn money like journalism or advertising but that's not for me. The idea of bending my creativity in that way doesn't sit right. If I write I want to only write the subjects that float my boat.

That leaves me with the option of finding something to keep me afloat financially. But what? And should I really wait it out in a job I'm not into in the hope that one day I'll be published? I have other interests, things that get me excited intellectually, should I chase them instead?

My head hurts.

Neno's Award

2009-06-07T21:29:00.003+01:00

I'd like to thank An Uninspiring Blog Title for nominating me for this award. It's great to know when people enjoy the blog and your blog was one of the first I check in on when I started looking at others. It's has inspired my thoughts and writing.

Neno’s Rules
1. As a dedication for those who love blogging and love to encourage friendships through blogging.
2. To seek the reasons why we all love blogging.
3. Put the award in one post as soon as you receive it.
4. Don’t forget to mention the person who gives you the award.
5. Answer the awards question by writing the reason why you love blogging.
6. Tag and distribute the award to as many people as you like.
7. Don’t forget to notify the award receivers and put their links in your post.

I love blogging as gives me a space to syphon my thoughts, just skimming the top off my over-active brain. There are many reasons why I blog and even more why I read others' blogs. This space we have here is great to bounce off each others ideas. Other's thoughts inspire mine and then mine inspire others. It's a great process.

I'd like to pass this award on to:

Time To Tell the World

Plan Plan Plan

2009-06-07T14:00:00.002+01:00

So I've decided I need a plan and I thought I would post it on here in a bid to stick to it. I don't do well with plans, a small discipline issue, so I'm trying new avenues to enforce progress.

Firstly I will write for at least 30 minutes every day. I'm hoping it will be longer than this but figure starting with a small amount might be a good idea. If I go over that amount I can feel like I've achieved something.

Secondly I'm gonna start walking more. I've been trying to locate parks around my area within walking distance so that whenever the weather is nice I can head out and spend some time outside. I've spent far too much time indoors recently and it's depressing.

Thirdly I want to only search for jobs online every other day. It seems that looking for a job has become my new time wasting technique. There is no need to keep checking several times a day. It's overkill.

Lastly I want to do more sewing. I've been doing odds and ends but nothing planned. I have projects I want to really get stuck into and why put things off? I'm just gonna go for it.

So now it's written down there's no going back. My failure this time would be public.

Let the experiment begin!

Old is a state of mind

2009-06-06T23:27:00.002+01:00

So I went to a party tonight. You might be able to see by the time of this post that I didn't stay late. I just don't get that scene anymore. The music was so loud you couldn't talk, there were annoying strobe lights and it took forever to get served at the bar.

It was at this point that i realized I had gotten old. A few moments later I realized I didn't care. I was glad that I had finished with that part of my life. After all it took a lot of alcohol for me to enjoy that scene even when I was really young (like 18!!).

I say good for the old fuddy duddies, they know what they're talking about. I'll be applying for my zimmer frame shortly!

Dormant Haloes

2009-06-06T23:05:00.003+01:00

Someone said to me one day while the sun
was shining and the days were long
that I would never amount to much
I smiled and I thought you're right.

That person had always been disappointed
in my lack of drive, my way of making everything a joke.
I would laugh at those who gave a damn
or those who pushed to make the grade.

That person didn't know what happened
to dreams, or where high hopes led.
They did not understand the importance
of invisibility, in blending with the crowd.

Getting by was more important than getting ahead
Dreams crept in and were swept away
hidden beneath bravado and joviality
lay the dormant haloes of a fallen angel.

What point was there to falling where others fear to tread,
reaching for something other than the safety of your head.

The Cheek of some people!!

2009-06-04T19:49:00.002+01:00

So today I had a visit from my sister-in-law (JC). This was odd on 2 counts. Firstly, she normally lets me know before she pops round and secondly she was supposed to be at work.

She seemed really pissed off so I made her a drink and waited for her to vent. I was expecting something was wrong at work as she has only been there 3 weeks and already she hates it there. It seems like the people she works for are a little crazy and very rude. I had been hearing odd stories about them for the last few weeks.

She sighed and begun the latest story. I have to say I was shocked that employers think they can get away with what has happened. Perhaps I'm naive but I thought there were laws protecting people from this sort of thing:

JC had applied for the job through the Jobcentre website. They had advertised for someone on a low salary with a high commission estimate. This was confirmed in the interview and they offered her the job. When JC received the contract it stated it was commission only. When she queried this she was told it was an error and they would sort it out and come back to her with new a contract.

It took them 3 weeks of gentle reminders for them to do anything, the whole time JC is working full time. This morning they asked for a meeting with her and told her the job was commission only and not meant to be her only job. When she challenged them that the advert had stated a salary and an OTE they told her she could either accept it or leave!

The cheek of some people to think others are gonna roll over and take whatever they dish out! Needless to say she going to tell them where to go and look into where she stands legally.

tsk tsk tsk

The thing about laziness...

2009-06-03T21:55:00.002+01:00

...is that it's a disease. It arrives in one part of your life and then quickly spreads to all other aspects until your entire being is saturated. along the way it mutates into apathy, boredom, lethargy etc. Nothing positive is born out of laziness.

I've been wondering today about what it is that makes me put off the things I should be doing. Is it laziness? I guess I have spent a lot of time getting in my own way but I've never really been sure why. Somewhere during my early school years I learnt that if I coasted I had more friends. I taught myself to use simpler words and only do as much as it took to get by.

I got past the being someone else for other people thing a long time ago but the laziness thing has never worn off.

However much I want to I don't seem to push myself in anything. I have no discipline.

A bit of nonsense

2009-05-30T12:19:00.001+01:00

Strange what just falls out of my head sometimes. This is just a little something, totally undiluted and raw:

Light tingles spread across my arm and the smell of rain assaults my senses before I even feel the first drop. The dark purple bruises travel fast across the darkening sky all light reduced to a tiny shaft of brilliance caressing the leaves of the trees around me. I am standing alone amongst nature. We are in communion. The clouds pass over me, sending me into darkness and on to the rain. The first fat drop falls, barely caressing my cheek before tumbling to my chest to weave a meandering course on my skin and easing under the cotton barrier of my top. Others follow on until they have beaten down their predecessors leaving my body cloaked in slick moisture. My clothes desperately cling wet from the onslaught. The smell is overpowering now in my little patch of green and I welcome it. I am laughing as the lightening begins to strike. The energy it releases hits like a tidal wave. It is absorbed by earth and the air. Too much power for one living thing to possess, it has destroyed an oak in my forest. Vengeful flames lick at the air, cursing the water pounding at its soul. With this power the world is mine if I wished it. The power and the glory ripe for the taking. I will not take it. I do not wish to be consumed. I will just stand guard until my time is ended.

shivers

2009-05-24T14:35:00.003+01:00

I'm just listening to some music and thought I'd check back in. The last week has been quite weird. I've kept coming on here thinking I would post something but kept drawing a blank. I found myself with nothing to say. Maybe I did but not something I was ready to write down.

Sometimes writing down what's on your mind feels so final. Thoughts are just thoughts until they are written down and then they're just out there, stark, open and vulnerable. Words can be a very frightening thing. They can express emotions and thoughts that we perhaps try to hide. Once they are verbalized they exist in a way they didn't within your head.

Facing them written down is enlightening but also incredibly scary. perhaps my head is a darker place than I would like it to be, maybe things aren't good. I've always been a fairly positive person, telling myself there is a way to do everything, a way to talk myself out of any bad situation.

I guess my own arguments are sounding a little thin these days, because it takes may take just one person to exist but you need more than one person to make a real life.

So I think it is time I headed out of my life for one inside my head and got a real one. How do I do that? I guess I've forgotten along the way, time to relearn.

reading

2009-05-15T17:50:00.002+01:00

Recently I've been rereading a book I read a few years ago. Most of it I had forgotten and it has been good to rediscover a story I enjoyed in the past. I'm nearing the end now and have been reluctant to pick it up and read.

I know some of the events that happen at the end of the book and find myself unable to read them. I know one of the main characters die and that some bad things happen towards the end. Obviously things all work out apart from the one death I've mentioned but I can't seem to make myself read it.

I feel like I don't want to read it, which is ridiculous as I know I like the story. I wonder what is it that makes us shy away from sadness sometimes even when we know it is make believe. A good story can make us experience a whole range of emotions and sometimes we seek these things out, but what makes it resonate so deeply.

It's strange how the lives of people who never existed can touch us more than those who populate our own little worlds.

I think I might leave the book for a day or two and try again.

Hmm, a bit deep for me...

2009-05-14T21:29:00.003+01:00

An Angel told me he wasn't holding his breath,
that some people just walk past the sign
for deliverance on their way to the supermarket.

My Angel says ignorance is not my excuse
I'm already a lost cause and there's only so many
times he'll hit me over the head with the sign.

Angel doesn't know I can always see it
never thought my blindness deliberate
or that I choose to walk away from salvation.

Just typed this straight into the computer and was a little surprised. Any thoughts welcome.

Loneliness

2009-05-13T20:14:00.004+01:00

So for the past couple of weeks I've not really felt right. I can't really explain the uneasy feeling I've been walking around with. It was made all the more strange because I couldn't identify it. It was an alien feeling to me and not being able to compartmentalize this feeling disturbed me.

If you've read any of my previous blogs or have known me at any stage of my life you'll understand why. I am a control freak and don't deal well with my own emotions. They are identified, labelled and then stored away, hopefully never to resurface in a form more harmful than the co-ordinating of my underwear.

It hit me today as I sat restlessly watching tv what the emotion I've been grappling with is. Like a bolt from the blue I knew my problem and why I had not realized earlier.

I am lonely.

I have never been lonely before. It's hard to believe but it's true. I have managed to get to the ripe old age of 27 without ever being lonely. Its a very strange and alien concept for me to wrap my head around and throws into confusion the future I have long had in mind for myself (crazy cat lady).

I wondered why I had never felt this feeling before. There are times in my life where I have felt so alone and isolated but even in my darkest moments I wasn't lonely. I guess the answer is an easy one. I never let myself feel lonely before. I made my life so reliant on only myself that the thought that I could need something from another person that I couldn't provide for myself was impossible.

Now I have let that mindset go a little. I allow others to help. I think this is why I am lonely because I know I don't have everything I need. That I need more.

I'm not sure who is more sad, me back then or me now.

Leda

2009-05-13T19:57:00.001+01:00

And lastly, this is the second to last poem I wrote before the barren years.

Leda

The distant hum of wings whistles through the water.

Minute droplets of acidic fear fall on her bare flesh
And refuse to burn away the blood
spattered on his pristine white feather breast.

His claws are rampant in the struggle for his prey.

The grotesque beating melody effaces
my eardrums as the sea ebbs away
from the majestic swan in triumphal stand.

Stirred by the gentle moans of the retreating surf

the bird takes flight leaving the figure still
swaying to the beat of wing on flesh,
a trickle of red on her ankle sinking in the sand.

Journey to Eden

2009-05-13T19:36:00.002+01:00

Moving on through the years this is me at 19. Slightly less Emo.

Journey to Eden

Softly, Softly
on the cold stone floor
feet exposed to the harsh
abrasive surface
that nature created
and man carved.

Gently, gently
across the dew ridden grass
that clings desperately
to the sanctuary
of the creviced sole
hardened with cold.

Careful, careful
through the thorns to Eden
the yearning of
something promised
but not yet fulfilled
revives the heart.

Lightly, lightly
on the sandy shores
dancing through the
grainy sand that runs
through my toes
my naked feet.

Still, still
with death lapping
at my vulnerable feet
enticing me for a dip
maybe just
for a little while.

Conversations with my 16 year old self cont...

2009-05-13T19:26:00.002+01:00

Savage Man

The world is turning
spinning on the axis of the mind
orbiting the heart
like a hunter circles its prey
waiting to savagely eat.
Primal instinct
runs through the veins
pumping the hunter adrenalin
as he lies in wait
for the stray young
of another man's tribe
to devour, destroy, to mutilate.

Conversations with my 16 year old self

2009-05-12T20:55:00.005+01:00

So today i was looking through some old poems I wrote when I was young and hormonal. Thought I'd share a few with you.

Shades of Me

Endless shades of grey engulf the subconscious
blurred at the edges, devoid of clarity
Rainy in my heart, stormy in my soul
A million shades of grey that entrap the spirit.

Sparkles of moonbeam that shoot through the dull
so many shades of rainbow fighting
so little light battles and succeeds
A million shades of moonbeam hold the keys.

Searching for my purple haze on the horizon
never coming, waiting feels like forever
wind blows through my mind and soul
A million shades of purple haze is my hope

Endless shades of confusion in my conscious
Conflicting thoughts in heart and in head
whirling like tornadoes, hurricanes
A million shades of grey on my stormy sea

A million shades of me.

I know, I never realized quite how emo I was back then and this is by no means the most depressing!

Tracing Happiness

2009-05-12T20:55:00.003+01:00

Curve of the lip and spark in the eye,
vague crinkle between mouth and nose,
a brief dazzle of pearl.

A carbon copy of a true emotion
does nothing to the original.

Not There

2009-05-12T13:42:00.002+01:00

Ancient echoes tell me that you’re leaving
The walls leak shadows of hungry eyes
searching for words that choke in my throat.
The world waits impatiently

in the hollow of the silence as
feelings topple inward and seal the mourning
of the loss of what was never there.
So rings the timeless chime of life ill spent.

So this is my first poem in about 4 years. So bizarre that it came off the back of my last post. It is literally a first draft but thought it might as well go up as can't believe I wrote it. My poetry has been blocked for a long time.

2009-05-12T12:58:00.002+01:00

Today I wondering whether I take enough risks. I suppose I've always been a very cautious person, not wanting to commit to something without being sure of the outcome. I have been accused of over-thinking things and Ive never bothered to deny it. Just recently, however, I have started to think about the things I could be missing out on by sticking to my regimented way of thinking.

I'm not saying I never take risks but they are rare. The biggest risk would have to have been my college course, which sounds a little sad now I think of it. The battle with myself that I went through just to show up to the interview was bad enough. My hands were shaking and my mind was blank except for the fear coursing through my veins. Self-doubt plagued me but that wasn't the main reason for the panic I felt.

I sat on a bench outside the building I was to enter, clutching a portfolio of work which the majority of I had never let another person read. I was about to hand over something that was incredibly private for somebody else to scrutinize. I was not there because I thought I had talent or because my work work was remarkable in any way. I was there because I loved making it.

In the deepest darkest moments of my life, when I just wanted to curl up and die, when I thought my world was empty of anything worth holding onto I could sit down and release all the hurt and the pain. Other times I would just escape into the world in my head and live in a place full of so much more than I possessed in reality.

The works in my hand were the products of my sanctuary and so close to my heart that I resisted letting them go. I didn't know what awaited them and myself on the inside of that building and it made me want to run as far away from it as possible.

But I didn't.

It was the bravest decision I have ever made and not just because I opened myself up to be judged but because I had no idea what the outcome would be. Would I be able to do the same again? That I don't know. Now I am a little more battered and bruised and also a little more open and vulnerable.

I would never have guessed that day sat on the bench where I would be now, 5 years later. I started a process that day that has slowly removed personal barriers that I didn't know needed to be removed. I am a better person for it but I am also much more cautious.

My decisions effect me more than they used to and risks become greater now. I wonder whether it has prevented me taking the risks needed to really live my life. I told myself after that day that I would risk more and think less but it didn't really pan out that way. The worst affected area I think is my artwork. My art can be good but it is not extraordinary and I think the only way it'll ever get there is if I put myself on the line.

I want be that person walking into the unknown whose willing to show herself to the world. Just to say "This is me deal with it".

Will it happen?

We'll see...

News

2009-04-07T18:50:00.002+01:00

I'm not sure what I want to say today but I felt like I should come on here.

News Update:

My parents are moving to Scotland, which is a long way from where I live. I'm not sure how to feel about this. People keep asking me about it and I can name all the reasons it will be good for them and I really see it as a great move for them. But then comes the look. People get that searching look, like they are trying to find what I'm not saying.

I'm expected to state the obvious about how I'm gonna miss them, like that's not a given. More than that I think 'm expected to be more upset than I am. Maybe I'm unfeeling but I'm just not that upset.

My older sister is acting like a child over the whole thing, which is annoying me. She seems to be displaying all the emotions expected of me. all I can think is that this behaviour is pathetic. I just don't get the big deal.

The Merits of Research

2009-03-19T22:40:00.002Z

I do remember sitting in a classroom which was always the temperature of the tropics a few years ago. I was sat next to LB, we were both randomly doodling with the giant pens that I thought would be funny. In my head I'm thinking the over-zealous heating is a ploy to see us prancing around in swimwear ala Club Tropicana by Wham. The song takes hold within my head playing in a circuit.

In the background AS, our then long-suffering teacher, is talking about something important, if I can only just focus on it. But that pesky George Michael is relentless. I lean to my other side and DH is scribbling furiously her notes. I make out one word RESEARCH. Crisis averted, no need to listen, research isn't really vital to my career as a writer.

BOY WAS I WRONG!!!!!

A few years have passed since I left my degree in Creative Writing. I left with a BA and stunted creativity. I thought this was down to overthinking my writing. I ditched all planning and research and just started writing from my heart. I ignored my brain telling me to correct spelling or grammar and ignored the critical voice asking where it was going.

I found it freeing creatively and actually began writing something I was happy with. It wasn't perfect but I liked it, which was an improvement. When I started looking at the work I was doing it was all inter-related. Unknowingly I'd started writing a trilogy.

As the work progressed I put down a plan. A PLAN! Totally unlike me. Two weeks ago I was suddenly struck by the fact that in order to make my work better I need to research quite a bit of information.

The big revelation is that I enjoy doing research. I'm surrounded by books and my own typed notes. Everything is covered in highlights and post its. It's all very surreal but I love it.

All those years ago sat in that classroom I never thought I would be in the position I'm in now.

This is serious now, not just a hobby, my life is this story now and I'm compelled to finish it. Scary

Back again

2009-03-19T22:35:00.002Z

Again with the long absence. I guess not having regular internet is really affecting what I'm keeping up with. I realised yesterday that I hadn't talked to one of my friends for months. Thats pretty terrible. She lives in France and the only way to keep in contact is via e-mail.

I guess the problem lies with me thinking I have nothing to say. Which is not true. I have plenty to say just maybe not anything interesting. So I think I'm just gonna stick some new thoughts up here anyway. Send them to the great Muser in the sky.

just words...

2008-10-19T11:59:00.002+01:00

So I just wrote this and not sure what to do with it. I feels like it could become a poem but I haven't written one of those in a long time. Not sure. Would appreciate feedback...

The chilly autumn breeze summons its long cool fingers probing through my layers, working through the chinks in my armour I wear to face the day. They stroke at my insides making me feel alive under the painted doll exterior, cracking under the pressure of a thousand expectant voices ringing in my head waiting for the moment I become more than mere surface, expose a bit of depth under my hard expanse. The wind finds the hairline cracks to work its finger through. Come to sooth my soul in it’s restrictive shell of isolation. But the cracks cannot be seen, the diversions have been set detracting attention from the ever increasing hole around my heart that aches from exclusion. Its monotonous beat pulses through the shell gradually sending fissures. Nobody will see, the clowns will distract them.

Pregnancy and Abortion

2008-10-19T11:57:00.001+01:00

One topic that keeps coming up around me lately is pregnancy, children and abortions. These seem to be recurring themes in my life for the last year. It’s got me thinking about my own views and whether they will ever be firmly fixed on these subjects.

The idea of abortion makes me realise that I would not be able to deal with the guilt of getting rid of an unborn child. I know that there are some situations where it is the best option but again I don’t think I could live with the guilt that I would place upon myself for having one. But I have never been one of those “pro-life” people who believe that anybody who has an abortion is going to hell either. I suppose I’ve always thought that the decision lies solely with the person who is pregnant. If they feel that they want an abortion I think it is their right to have one. I also think it is a very brave decision because as I have said I don’t think I could do it. My view on this has always been just because it is not right for me does not mean it is wrong for everybody else.

The reason why I have been thinking about this is because a friend of mine had an abortion earlier this year. I think it was a very difficult decision for her because under other circumstances she would have had the baby. She knew it was not the right time and so made the choice to have an abortion. I have been thinking about her lately mainly because I discovered a YouTube page belonging to someone I work with (EK) that was filled with “pro-life” propaganda. I was shocked by it as I had no idea she felt that way.

FF saw this website as well and was deeply hurt by the things that were on there. She had been friends with EK for quite a while and had spoken with her about her own experiences of abortion and felt that all of a sudden this woman was judging her. EK refused to take responsibility for the hurt she had caused or for the information she had posted on her sight. Surely if we put our opinions out into the world we should take responsibility for the reactions they cause?

Pregnancy and babies are also on my mind at the moment.

AW is pregnant at the moment. She had been talking about wanting another child for about six months before she became pregnant. I hate to think it about a friend but I think she got pregnant deliberately. She is single and was with a guy for a very short time around when she got pregnant. She joked a lot about just going out and getting pregnant. The guy she was with had no idea that is what she wanted and is now lumbered with 18 years of CSA payments he hadn’t bargained on. You could say that it’s his fault for not using a condom but even so the pregnancy was not an accident. Is that fair on him? Besides she already has one child who’s desperate for her attention and she doesn’t get it. I feel like I’m being harsh but I just don’t get it. Maybe I’m old fashioned but you don’t just have a baby because you want one without thinking about the father or whether it’s fair on the baby or your existing child do you? I can’t shake the thought that she’s being incredibly selfish.

More on this another time I guess.

2008-10-19T11:57:00.000+01:00

The perils of alcohol!

2008-10-12T15:35:00.002+01:00

So my good mood lasted a few days. Friday I was feeling ready to face the world and so I headed out with FF all dolled up. I don't know what I was trying to do but I guess I must have thought ready to go out and have a good time. I headed out and I have realised that the way I used to have fun doesn't appeal to me.

I got very drunk and said some things that led to an awkward situation for FF and now I feel terrible about it. I know now that the partying part of my life I'm never gonna get back and I don't want it back. I have better things to do.

Now I have it out of my system I can really move on. I have left behind something that wasn't working and now I'm sure I'm making the right decision. Not that I'm going to drop the friends I made during that time because as I have said in my previous post these friends are very important. I just don't want to be in that situation anymore.

Happy Birthday!

2008-10-09T19:02:00.000+01:00

So yesterday was my birthday and another year has passed me by with none of the achievements I had wished it to carry along with it. It has been a strange year in which a large part of my life has fallen apart at the seams and languished on the floor of life mooning like an overly emotional teenager. The strange thing is that it has not been a bad year or in my view a wasted year.

In this year where things fell apart I have realised that these things were superfluous. I did not need them in order to have a meaningful and happy life. These things that I have mentioned are Job and money. I have lost both because of my health. I have ME which I have talked about on other posts and so won’t bore you with the details. But because of this I am now off sick from my job and have very little money.

I feel like I am in a situation where I should feel sorry for myself. I do not. I actually feel liberated. I know it all sounds a little cliché but now I have had time to process the year I have had I can see much clearer what went wrong and what is important to me.

This process started with a trip to a specialist in Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME). She not only made me see that my having to scale back on work and the things I felt obliged to do was the right thing to do, she also encouraged me to let more go. I had the scary task of paring down my life to the point where it was non-exsistant. I am now in the process of gradually adding back the things I can do and the things I enjoy doing.

I think the main thing I have learnt this year is that there is no point fighting to keep hold of the things you have if you end up with no quality of life. I have learnt that now. I didn’t need the things I had and I was missing out the things that I did need just to keep the status quo.

I now stand at the beginning of another year starting again from scratch. Recovering again from the illness that debilitates me and which will likely debilitate me again some time in the future. But unlike last year I stand here with hope that this time I will do things differently, that I will begin the cycle afresh and the outcome will be less severe.

Each time this illness strikes I leave it with renewed purpose and stronger dreams for the future. The wheel will turn once more but with every revolution I become wiser.

Looking back to the last few years I had changed my life sufficiently that my life didn’t crumble so harshly as it did the last time. I faced my illness this time with a team of people behind me. People who were aware I needed them because I was able to see it. These people were there chasing me when I ran and right by my side when I couldn’t go anywhere.

I may have lost my working use this year but I have gained where I fit in and who stands with me there. I am rooted, which is something I never expected to be.

Happy Birthday to me!!!

Wow, what a break!

2008-08-21T12:51:00.002+01:00

So I'm back after a long break with many things to talk about but I can't seem to decide which to begin with.

After the wedding there was the holiday which ended in an accident. I split my head open and wasn't allowed to fly home! That was a joy, not. Getting money out of the insurance company is like trying to remove a boisterous drunk at closing time.

Then I moved and went off sick from work!

All these things have long stories attached but now I'm finally here to send something out into the ether I find that I do n ot wish to talk about these things. Instead I'd like to share a first draft of a story I'm writing. It'll probably make no sense as it is the beginning of a novel which in fact a sequel to another I am writing. So if you've got that straight, enjoy reading and hopefully you may be moved enough to leave me a critical review as I need some feedback:

“So I’m destined to repeat the mistakes of my ancesters, is that what you’re trying to tell me?” Sera was frustrated by the relentless bleating of Professor Graham. Nearly four years of tuition had brought many fruitless hours of conversations that did not advance her training. Her other classes were practical and relevant to what she believed faced her out there in the Realms. What use was philosophy when you were being attacked? It was not talking that had saved her from the demon in the woods that rainy morning nearly four years ago. Had it really been that long?
The time following the incident, as it was now referred to as, had passed her by in a daze. The Senate council had been alled immediately and it had seemed they were now willing to take Sera’s claim seriously. Rigorous testing ensued involving all kinds of instruments that she had never seen before and combat exercises that seemed never-ending.
After a lengthy two month period of quarantine it had been decided that she was not a threat and was indeed a Guardian. They had then undertaken a course of strict study and monitoring which had filled the interim period.
“Travelling doesn’t necessarily mean travelling in circles Sera.” Master Graham spat out, exhasperated. “Not all of us are doomed to make the same mistakes over again. You are given these new chances to right the wrong and break the cycle.”
“But then if it is my destiny to right these so called wrongs why on earth would I have been sent to the Second realm?” Said Sera, pulled away from her memories. “Why not place me here where I was supposed to be?”
“It is not for us to understand how these experiences will change the overall outcome. We are only journeymen on the road of Mother Fate.” Master Graham stood, removing himself from behind the desk and motioning out the window as he said this. Sera ground her teeth at this gesture. It was precisely these pompous moves that she detested. They reeked of the ceremonial and outdated ways of the council.
“Surely though it would have been better for me to be here learning the information I need to fulfil my role.”
“You are the Guardian whether you are trained or not. It is not of importance.” He stated in clipped tones. Sera could feel his annoyance. Master Graham always prickled at the questioning way Sera communicated, like each question was an affront to his Religious and philosophical beliefs. In fact it was the opposite.
“Then why am I here?” Said Sera slyly. She knew well enough the time and effort the masters were putting into training her. She was too old and time was short. The frustration of fitting 10 years of training in, in less than half that time was taking it’s toll on them.
“Let us not be sidetracked,” Master Graham smiled ruefully. “To return to our point. Where you need to be is not necessarily where you are but it is when you are.”
“Huh?” They had moved onto the part of the lesson that made no sense to Sera. Every lesson was started easily enough and then somewhere along the line Sera became completely lost. When this first happened she had thought it was because she was being dim. As the lessons continued she discovered that it was Master Graham’s way to talk in riddles and obscurities. At some point she may understand what he was getting at but most occasions she ended up more confused than when they had started.
“Everybody is born to the time to which they belong. But it is a very intricate thing to deliver each person to his or her rightful time. People are not just reincarnated straight from grave to birthing room in the same day. That kind of crass thinking would have us all believe it is only happenstance or chance that places us.”
Master Graham paused briefly, glancing out of the low north window into the water meadow, lost in thought.
“Fate places us when we can do most good or, in your case, when it is time for a fresh try at a problem.”
“Ok I get that part. That I am destined to repeat a previous life.” She said dully. This had been a reccuring theme of her lessons. Reincarnation and respecting and channelling our past life experiences was a favourite subject of Master Graham’s.
“Not repeat, no. But you are on the right track.” He smiled again, this time the generous smile that kept Sera coming back to these tedious classes. “It is your destiny to redo what was undone.”

“Right,” Sera smiled back unable to help herself. His smile lifted the entire room like the warm autumn glow which she missed in these cold winter months. “But that still doesn’t explain why I was not placed somewhere I’d be noticed. Then I could have received my training and be better prepared for what lies ahead.”
“It is very tricky to deliver someone to their time. It is precise and complicated.” Sera rolled her eyes and Master Graham elaborated. “We have several possibilities as to why this happened. Mother fate has a lot to juggle and people cannot always be placed where they are needed. It is most important that they are when they should be. A person can move location with a few minor alterations from fate. It would then be easier to place a soul if there was less emphasis on getting the exact location correct.”

“So you’re saying that it was not important where I grew up just that I could be manoeuvred into position when I had?” Understanding was beginning find her, a pinprick of light deep in the dark cavity of her mind.
“Possibly,” he said. Still smiling he strolled back towards his desk and positioned himself behind the neatly stacked papers of other classes. Sera wondered whether those other classes also had trouble following him. “But this is not the only theory on the subject.
“Some believe that you were born and moved exactly as you were destined to. That your journey so far is the correct one to prepare you for the road ahead. There are of course those who feel the opposite.” His smile faltered as a remembered conversation flitted in to his mind and then was easily brushed aside. “Those who find your upbringing a hindrance to your role as Guardian, who think that had you had the correct length of training you would be stronger or that your attitude is not conducive to the role you will have to assume.”
“Like Councillor Watt?” There was a silence that followed Sera’s admission that she knew of at least one person who was opposed to her eventual appointment as Guardian. She had never considered that he was not the only one to feel this way and now she thought about it she felt stupid not to have realised. Of course there were many that would not accept her. That thought she was not capable. “What do you believe?”
“I believe Fate knows more of these things than we do.” Master Graham neatly dodged the question by hiding behind his philosophies. “It is not for me to question the path she sets us forth along. She guides us the best she can and we end up at the right point, so who am I to pass judgement. Besides where would the fun be if we had nowhere to go and no journey to travel? I would not wish that kind of life for anyone.”
“I guess there’d be no point.” Sera pondered the words of Master Graham letting them seep through her brain. Somewhere amongst the nonsense the whole picture was beginning to unfold.
“I think the thing to remember is that you may be reliving a past connection but that does not mean it will play out the same. As you stated earlier, what would be the point?”
“Hmmm”
“Your experiences to this point have altered the way in which it takes place. You are the product of that journey and it will influence your decisions. Do not be ashamed of the way you arrived here, embrace it. By changing the circumstances the outcome changes. Whether that is for the good or no only time will tell. I do not know if even Fate could tell you.”

The Day After the Night Before

2008-05-05T11:03:00.002+01:00

So it's bank Holiday Monday and the sun is shining like a goodun!

My brother got married yesterday. I am sitting at home having just got in half an hour ago and I'm starting to feel a little worse for wear! The day was lovely yesterday and the forecast rain thankfully never arrived. I think a good time was had by all but the truth is I can only remember up til about 10pm.

After this point the night gets very patchy in my memory and I think that is just as well! My legs are very sore which indicates there must have been dancing at some point and the fact that I drunk a hell of a lot and spent £5 is very baffling.

I have a horrible feeling I was "the drunk" at this family wedding, when I arrived at breakfast this morning people kept asking how my head was. To their surprise I came down for breakfast bright and cheery and tucked into a full english.

I was not really looking forward to the wedding as I don't like weddings as a whole but I was pleasantly surprised. It was a really good day and there weren't any problems.

Plus as a bonus I didn't look too hideous in my outfit.

Must get back to re-hydrating.

The Lies we Tell Ourselves...

2008-04-24T17:45:00.002+01:00

... to save our hearts from pain

1. I am happy. The first and perhaps the biggest lie as it is a mantra repeated often in a way that is more to convince myself than other people. I believe happiness to be a transient state in which once entered must be left after only a short time. If your life is spent in a happy state 20% of the time then you are very lucky. Not that I am an unhappy person, but I am all the more happy because I have experienced the lows that life can throw. If I was being truthful I would be disappointed if my life was entirely happy, very boring if you ask me.

2. I do not want children. I like to pretend that the white picket fence life with partner and children doesn't appeal to me. This life is looked down upon by so many women these days. It seems it is not enough to devote your time to raising children, you need to find 'extra-curricular pursuits' to validate your life. If I was honest I kind of crave that life. There are many things I want and this is one of them. I suppose there is always a chance that it wouldn't be so easy to perpetuate this lie if I actually thought I could have it.

3. I don't have time to write my book. There is time but I use it on other things, things that I feel are more proper things to do with my time. I think the main problem is that i still feel my writing is an indulgence and not a proper use of my time. Must do something about that.

4. I am well. I like to pretend that i am well. It makes me feel better to burry my head in the sand. I don't like many people knowing what is wrong with me. I don't like the way people treat me once they know so I don't tell them. I just carry on regardless and most people never know.

Sunday, Sunday...

2008-04-20T09:11:00.004+01:00

So here we are again, another Sunday, another busy weekend with barely a moment to myself. Don't get me wrong I've had a great weekend, just a hectic one. Am a little confused right now so thought I would talk it out on here.

My main issue for confusion is the big question, is there such a thing as a soul mate? I know, the words bring up a little bit of vomit in my mouth too. The idea of this romantic notion of a soul mate has always alluded me. I have been in love but not with someone I considered, even at the time, as a soul mate. Is there such a thing?

I don't mean the cookie cutter romantic bullshit we're pre-programed to believe exists but a real person that is your absolute match, someone that when you meet them you automatically have that inexplicable connection that only explains itself later when you get to know the person. The slow realization that that person is perfect for you and the connection you felt was justified.

I don't know, I suppose I was always ruled by the realist in me that says that these things don't really exist and to pull myself together and get on with real life. But what if I am missing out?

What if when I am settling for merely physical attraction with someone I consider to be ok, I am missing what's out there?

Oh well 'it'll all come out in the wash' as someone who uses cliches would say.

Degree Show Piece

2008-04-17T19:23:00.002+01:00

This is my beautiful Degree Show Piece. I loved it and it took a hell of a lot of time to make. Unfortunately the Establishment did not agree. I don't care I still love and think Art doesn't have to be ugly to be 'ART'.

RAH

Busy, Busy, Busy

2008-04-17T19:02:00.002+01:00

Welcome back to the blog space without any viewers!!

Saying that I was wondering, does it really matter whether anybody is listening? Isn't it just enough to send your shit musings out into the ether with no reply? I think that it is more important to empty your thoughts somewhere in order to access the good stuff. Therefore I will not be apologising for the shitness of my posts or justifying any thoughts placed here. I am just sending out my verbal diorhea in order to cleanse my pallet so to speak. I am hoping to unblock my creative paths (god that sounds poncy!).

So anyway thoughts for today were on how busy my life seems to be. I am constantly busy but my life also feels empty. I race from one stressful situation to another with barely enough time to get the bare necessities done. One day I will look back and wonder what happened to my life and my dreams.

Therre are things that are important to me that I do not get to spend time on because I race around half the time like a loony. Maybe one day I will just stop everything and dedicate myself to the things I too afraid to commit to. But then where would I start ? There are so many things I want to do with my life and i haven't done most of them.

Do I really want to say the biggest risk I ever took was applying for a degree at an Art School? That should have been the start of movement in my life but it seems I've just gone back to my old one.

I think it's time I took a stand...

Sunday

2008-04-13T21:32:00.002+01:00

So after a stressful Friday the weekend opened up like a beautiful oasis of calm that stayed on the horizon through Saturday. Finally on Sunday, aptly the day of rest, I managed to retrieve a relatively peaceful and stress-free day.

Friday was the day from hell ending with the collapse of my house move. Saturday started with a frantic search for somewhere to live, seeing as I have already handed in my notice where I am. After viewing a couple of flats I have realized that it is virtually impossible to find somewhere suitable on my tiny budget.

I have to find somewhere within a certain price bracket to be able to stop working and enable me to start getting better. This brings me to the larger problem. I am ill. I like to pretend that I am not but the bottom line is that I am. Every now and then I do something to make my life better by admitting that I cannot cope with the status quo.

The last time I did this I went part time at work. This is where my problems began. I now cannot afford to live where I am without a full time job and the government is too busy giving money to other people to really help me any. So now I'm moving.

In all honesty I probably shouldn't working at all, but I'm under some kind of false idea that I should. If I did decide to quit work I'm gonna be screwed unless I have already moved. So now I'm back to looking for somewhere.

Joy.

Saturday ended with a trip to the cinema, which I was looking forward to. The film was bad and not even in a good way. I normally like those movies that are so bad that they're good but this movie was just bad. And there were no decent looking fellas in it to make it bearable.

At least today was nice. Just chilling out and forgetting everything else. Back at work tomorrow and will probably undo all the good work resting has done today but nevermind.

Anyway, later for now...

Vesuvius

2008-04-10T14:24:00.002+01:00

I clear my throat,
fiery toxic fumes push
slowly down the mountain.

The pyroclastic cloud
arrives before the warning,
my sulphurous words engulf

and obliterate the faces,
forever stagnate in the solitary
belly of my memory.

Memories, like the corners of my mind...

2008-04-10T14:17:00.003+01:00

... misty water coloured memories
of the way we were

So I'm packing up to move at the moment and around every corner I am finding little bits and pieces that I had forgotten.

I have just found some old poems I wrote when doing my creative writing degree and they are making me want to work on them again. None of the work I did was really edited properly and I didn't think they were worth it. As I have been reading them I realized they might be worth working through.

One of them I thought I would post as I really like it. It captured exactly what I felt at the time.

Dreams, illness and the big question...

2008-04-10T13:26:00.004+01:00

So I was reading the blog of a friend and she was discussing dreams and the effect of illness on them. It got me thinking about the nature of mental illness and it's ability to not only encourage creativity but to stifle it.

In good times imagination is there like a constant companion, commenting on your life or taking you somewhere out of the norm. It inspires you and keeps you going. The internal dialogue seems never-ending and you bask in the beauty of the worlds you are transported to. You get to feel the highs and lows of a life that you never have to live and gain insights into yourself without having to risk.

But in the moment where you need this release the most that is the moment it will abandon you. Cast you aside and leave you languishing in an abyss of nothingness. You brain will switch off and instead of the constant narration of your life and that of your imagination you are left with a blank, a void. What are we supposed to do in that moment?

My friend was discussing this in regards to depression, but I think it applies to more than just that. I have ME or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and I do not have this problem often. I tend to have the opposite problem most of the time. My brain is too active for my body to keep up and i end up a crumpled heap on the floor. The medication I am prescribed to help with my condition causes the problems I have been discussing.

I have a choice to either take the level of medication that would do me the most good physically and suffer the constant silence in my brain. This is intolerable. It makes me feel how I imagine those at Krakatoa felt when they lost their hearing. I am disorientated and lost without my internal monologue and imagination. The other alternative is to go with a low dose of medication that does little but touch the surface of the problem.

So really the question remains can we live without the constant companion of our imagination? I believe yes, physically we can but we are restricted to life like that of a separated conjoined twin whose twin died during the separation. We are never quite whole and the void left by our other half is almost unbearable. It is a secret pain carried on the inside and I know it is not one I am willing to carry.

Til next time, keep dreaming...

My Week in Tarot

2008-04-08T23:31:00.000+01:00

So tonight I took some time to check out my weeks tarot, a day by day account of the next seven days. I have to say not too shabby. I was expecting all sorts of badness as this is how my life has panned out of late but to my surprise I turned over a few gems.

I know some cynical people do not believe in the power of the Tarot but the more I have learnt and the more I use them the more sure I become. I walked into Tarot reading with a heavy amount of skepticism born of my strictly religious upbringing (must frown on anything supernatural or psychic) but I thought I'd keep an open mind. As it turns out I was right to.

Tarot is an interesting and subtle way of seeing where you are at and a way of frustrating yourself if you are looking for definite answers. The Tarot, from my experience so far, is there to help you see where there may be no light to provide guidance on how to read the signs that are all around us. These signs are there whether you read them or not but by being aware of them I feel like I can make a more informed choice with my life.

Don't get me wrong, I have looked to the cards for answers on many occasions and found them unwilling to answer (where the frustration comes in), but in the end this has been for the best. They show you what they feel you need to know and not necessarily what you want to know.

As it is I think I've done pretty well this evening and for that I am glad.

I'm back to work tomorrow after being off for a week. I have to say I feel better for the rest. The lengthy saga of whether or not I should be working still rumbles on but that is something for another blog. I thought I would be looking forward to returning to work more than I actually am. The main crux of the argument for work was that I enjoyed the social aspect and I feel I may have just made that issue mute. More on that later though really I think.

The big debate for tomorrow is on what to wear. I spend far too much time thinking about what to wear to work when in fact people don't really notice anyway. besides, who am I doing it for? I might as well roll up looking like a tramp. But then that's the problem, the eternal optimist in me says 'well you never know who you'll meet, you may as well look your best'. It's the same just in case logic that has me religiously wearing matching underwear at all times as 'you never know when you might get ran over'. For this kind of OCD behaviour I fear there is no cure.

On that sad and pathetic revelation I'll depart, leaving you to mull over my underwear.

Hello Pop Pickers!

2008-04-07T21:15:00.000+01:00

So I've arrived and have stage fright issues. My mind has gone blank and feel like I have cotton wool stuck all inside my mouth. I am going to behave as my instinct encourages me and scarper quickly before my Retarded Mute act becomes more of an affliction.

Will be back with more startling insights on my on retardedness in due course I am sure.