Strange what just falls out of my head sometimes. This is just a little something, totally undiluted and raw:
Light tingles spread across my arm and the smell of rain assaults my senses before I even feel the first drop. The dark purple bruises travel fast across the darkening sky all light reduced to a tiny shaft of brilliance caressing the leaves of the trees around me. I am standing alone amongst nature. We are in communion. The clouds pass over me, sending me into darkness and on to the rain. The first fat drop falls, barely caressing my cheek before tumbling to my chest to weave a meandering course on my skin and easing under the cotton barrier of my top. Others follow on until they have beaten down their predecessors leaving my body cloaked in slick moisture. My clothes desperately cling wet from the onslaught. The smell is overpowering now in my little patch of green and I welcome it. I am laughing as the lightening begins to strike. The energy it releases hits like a tidal wave. It is absorbed by earth and the air. Too much power for one living thing to possess, it has destroyed an oak in my forest. Vengeful flames lick at the air, cursing the water pounding at its soul. With this power the world is mine if I wished it. The power and the glory ripe for the taking. I will not take it. I do not wish to be consumed. I will just stand guard until my time is ended.
Saturday, 30 May 2009
Sunday, 24 May 2009
shivers
I'm just listening to some music and thought I'd check back in. The last week has been quite weird. I've kept coming on here thinking I would post something but kept drawing a blank. I found myself with nothing to say. Maybe I did but not something I was ready to write down.
Sometimes writing down what's on your mind feels so final. Thoughts are just thoughts until they are written down and then they're just out there, stark, open and vulnerable. Words can be a very frightening thing. They can express emotions and thoughts that we perhaps try to hide. Once they are verbalized they exist in a way they didn't within your head.
Facing them written down is enlightening but also incredibly scary. perhaps my head is a darker place than I would like it to be, maybe things aren't good. I've always been a fairly positive person, telling myself there is a way to do everything, a way to talk myself out of any bad situation.
I guess my own arguments are sounding a little thin these days, because it takes may take just one person to exist but you need more than one person to make a real life.
So I think it is time I headed out of my life for one inside my head and got a real one. How do I do that? I guess I've forgotten along the way, time to relearn.
Sometimes writing down what's on your mind feels so final. Thoughts are just thoughts until they are written down and then they're just out there, stark, open and vulnerable. Words can be a very frightening thing. They can express emotions and thoughts that we perhaps try to hide. Once they are verbalized they exist in a way they didn't within your head.
Facing them written down is enlightening but also incredibly scary. perhaps my head is a darker place than I would like it to be, maybe things aren't good. I've always been a fairly positive person, telling myself there is a way to do everything, a way to talk myself out of any bad situation.
I guess my own arguments are sounding a little thin these days, because it takes may take just one person to exist but you need more than one person to make a real life.
So I think it is time I headed out of my life for one inside my head and got a real one. How do I do that? I guess I've forgotten along the way, time to relearn.
Friday, 15 May 2009
reading
Recently I've been rereading a book I read a few years ago. Most of it I had forgotten and it has been good to rediscover a story I enjoyed in the past. I'm nearing the end now and have been reluctant to pick it up and read.
I know some of the events that happen at the end of the book and find myself unable to read them. I know one of the main characters die and that some bad things happen towards the end. Obviously things all work out apart from the one death I've mentioned but I can't seem to make myself read it.
I feel like I don't want to read it, which is ridiculous as I know I like the story. I wonder what is it that makes us shy away from sadness sometimes even when we know it is make believe. A good story can make us experience a whole range of emotions and sometimes we seek these things out, but what makes it resonate so deeply.
It's strange how the lives of people who never existed can touch us more than those who populate our own little worlds.
I think I might leave the book for a day or two and try again.
I know some of the events that happen at the end of the book and find myself unable to read them. I know one of the main characters die and that some bad things happen towards the end. Obviously things all work out apart from the one death I've mentioned but I can't seem to make myself read it.
I feel like I don't want to read it, which is ridiculous as I know I like the story. I wonder what is it that makes us shy away from sadness sometimes even when we know it is make believe. A good story can make us experience a whole range of emotions and sometimes we seek these things out, but what makes it resonate so deeply.
It's strange how the lives of people who never existed can touch us more than those who populate our own little worlds.
I think I might leave the book for a day or two and try again.
Thursday, 14 May 2009
Hmm, a bit deep for me...
An Angel told me he wasn't holding his breath,
that some people just walk past the sign
for deliverance on their way to the supermarket.
My Angel says ignorance is not my excuse
I'm already a lost cause and there's only so many
times he'll hit me over the head with the sign.
Angel doesn't know I can always see it
never thought my blindness deliberate
or that I choose to walk away from salvation.
Just typed this straight into the computer and was a little surprised. Any thoughts welcome.
that some people just walk past the sign
for deliverance on their way to the supermarket.
My Angel says ignorance is not my excuse
I'm already a lost cause and there's only so many
times he'll hit me over the head with the sign.
Angel doesn't know I can always see it
never thought my blindness deliberate
or that I choose to walk away from salvation.
Just typed this straight into the computer and was a little surprised. Any thoughts welcome.
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
Loneliness
So for the past couple of weeks I've not really felt right. I can't really explain the uneasy feeling I've been walking around with. It was made all the more strange because I couldn't identify it. It was an alien feeling to me and not being able to compartmentalize this feeling disturbed me.
If you've read any of my previous blogs or have known me at any stage of my life you'll understand why. I am a control freak and don't deal well with my own emotions. They are identified, labelled and then stored away, hopefully never to resurface in a form more harmful than the co-ordinating of my underwear.
It hit me today as I sat restlessly watching tv what the emotion I've been grappling with is. Like a bolt from the blue I knew my problem and why I had not realized earlier.
I am lonely.
I have never been lonely before. It's hard to believe but it's true. I have managed to get to the ripe old age of 27 without ever being lonely. Its a very strange and alien concept for me to wrap my head around and throws into confusion the future I have long had in mind for myself (crazy cat lady).
I wondered why I had never felt this feeling before. There are times in my life where I have felt so alone and isolated but even in my darkest moments I wasn't lonely. I guess the answer is an easy one. I never let myself feel lonely before. I made my life so reliant on only myself that the thought that I could need something from another person that I couldn't provide for myself was impossible.
Now I have let that mindset go a little. I allow others to help. I think this is why I am lonely because I know I don't have everything I need. That I need more.
I'm not sure who is more sad, me back then or me now.
If you've read any of my previous blogs or have known me at any stage of my life you'll understand why. I am a control freak and don't deal well with my own emotions. They are identified, labelled and then stored away, hopefully never to resurface in a form more harmful than the co-ordinating of my underwear.
It hit me today as I sat restlessly watching tv what the emotion I've been grappling with is. Like a bolt from the blue I knew my problem and why I had not realized earlier.
I am lonely.
I have never been lonely before. It's hard to believe but it's true. I have managed to get to the ripe old age of 27 without ever being lonely. Its a very strange and alien concept for me to wrap my head around and throws into confusion the future I have long had in mind for myself (crazy cat lady).
I wondered why I had never felt this feeling before. There are times in my life where I have felt so alone and isolated but even in my darkest moments I wasn't lonely. I guess the answer is an easy one. I never let myself feel lonely before. I made my life so reliant on only myself that the thought that I could need something from another person that I couldn't provide for myself was impossible.
Now I have let that mindset go a little. I allow others to help. I think this is why I am lonely because I know I don't have everything I need. That I need more.
I'm not sure who is more sad, me back then or me now.
Leda
And lastly, this is the second to last poem I wrote before the barren years.
Leda
The distant hum of wings whistles through the water.
Minute droplets of acidic fear fall on her bare flesh
And refuse to burn away the blood
spattered on his pristine white feather breast.
His claws are rampant in the struggle for his prey.
The grotesque beating melody effaces
my eardrums as the sea ebbs away
from the majestic swan in triumphal stand.
Stirred by the gentle moans of the retreating surf
the bird takes flight leaving the figure still
swaying to the beat of wing on flesh,
a trickle of red on her ankle sinking in the sand.
Leda
The distant hum of wings whistles through the water.
Minute droplets of acidic fear fall on her bare flesh
And refuse to burn away the blood
spattered on his pristine white feather breast.
His claws are rampant in the struggle for his prey.
The grotesque beating melody effaces
my eardrums as the sea ebbs away
from the majestic swan in triumphal stand.
Stirred by the gentle moans of the retreating surf
the bird takes flight leaving the figure still
swaying to the beat of wing on flesh,
a trickle of red on her ankle sinking in the sand.
Journey to Eden
Moving on through the years this is me at 19. Slightly less Emo.
Journey to Eden
Softly, Softly
on the cold stone floor
feet exposed to the harsh
abrasive surface
that nature created
and man carved.
Gently, gently
across the dew ridden grass
that clings desperately
to the sanctuary
of the creviced sole
hardened with cold.
Careful, careful
through the thorns to Eden
the yearning of
something promised
but not yet fulfilled
revives the heart.
Lightly, lightly
on the sandy shores
dancing through the
grainy sand that runs
through my toes
my naked feet.
Still, still
with death lapping
at my vulnerable feet
enticing me for a dip
maybe just
for a little while.
Journey to Eden
Softly, Softly
on the cold stone floor
feet exposed to the harsh
abrasive surface
that nature created
and man carved.
Gently, gently
across the dew ridden grass
that clings desperately
to the sanctuary
of the creviced sole
hardened with cold.
Careful, careful
through the thorns to Eden
the yearning of
something promised
but not yet fulfilled
revives the heart.
Lightly, lightly
on the sandy shores
dancing through the
grainy sand that runs
through my toes
my naked feet.
Still, still
with death lapping
at my vulnerable feet
enticing me for a dip
maybe just
for a little while.
Conversations with my 16 year old self cont...
Savage Man
The world is turning
spinning on the axis of the mind
orbiting the heart
like a hunter circles its prey
waiting to savagely eat.
Primal instinct
runs through the veins
pumping the hunter adrenalin
as he lies in wait
for the stray young
of another man's tribe
to devour, destroy, to mutilate.
The world is turning
spinning on the axis of the mind
orbiting the heart
like a hunter circles its prey
waiting to savagely eat.
Primal instinct
runs through the veins
pumping the hunter adrenalin
as he lies in wait
for the stray young
of another man's tribe
to devour, destroy, to mutilate.
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
Conversations with my 16 year old self
So today i was looking through some old poems I wrote when I was young and hormonal. Thought I'd share a few with you.
Shades of Me
Endless shades of grey engulf the subconscious
blurred at the edges, devoid of clarity
Rainy in my heart, stormy in my soul
A million shades of grey that entrap the spirit.
Sparkles of moonbeam that shoot through the dull
so many shades of rainbow fighting
so little light battles and succeeds
A million shades of moonbeam hold the keys.
Searching for my purple haze on the horizon
never coming, waiting feels like forever
wind blows through my mind and soul
A million shades of purple haze is my hope
Endless shades of confusion in my conscious
Conflicting thoughts in heart and in head
whirling like tornadoes, hurricanes
A million shades of grey on my stormy sea
A million shades of me.
I know, I never realized quite how emo I was back then and this is by no means the most depressing!
Shades of Me
Endless shades of grey engulf the subconscious
blurred at the edges, devoid of clarity
Rainy in my heart, stormy in my soul
A million shades of grey that entrap the spirit.
Sparkles of moonbeam that shoot through the dull
so many shades of rainbow fighting
so little light battles and succeeds
A million shades of moonbeam hold the keys.
Searching for my purple haze on the horizon
never coming, waiting feels like forever
wind blows through my mind and soul
A million shades of purple haze is my hope
Endless shades of confusion in my conscious
Conflicting thoughts in heart and in head
whirling like tornadoes, hurricanes
A million shades of grey on my stormy sea
A million shades of me.
I know, I never realized quite how emo I was back then and this is by no means the most depressing!
Tracing Happiness
Curve of the lip and spark in the eye,
vague crinkle between mouth and nose,
a brief dazzle of pearl.
A carbon copy of a true emotion
does nothing to the original.
vague crinkle between mouth and nose,
a brief dazzle of pearl.
A carbon copy of a true emotion
does nothing to the original.
Not There
Ancient echoes tell me that you’re leaving
The walls leak shadows of hungry eyes
searching for words that choke in my throat.
The world waits impatiently
in the hollow of the silence as
feelings topple inward and seal the mourning
of the loss of what was never there.
So rings the timeless chime of life ill spent.
So this is my first poem in about 4 years. So bizarre that it came off the back of my last post. It is literally a first draft but thought it might as well go up as can't believe I wrote it. My poetry has been blocked for a long time.
The walls leak shadows of hungry eyes
searching for words that choke in my throat.
The world waits impatiently
in the hollow of the silence as
feelings topple inward and seal the mourning
of the loss of what was never there.
So rings the timeless chime of life ill spent.
So this is my first poem in about 4 years. So bizarre that it came off the back of my last post. It is literally a first draft but thought it might as well go up as can't believe I wrote it. My poetry has been blocked for a long time.
Today I wondering whether I take enough risks. I suppose I've always been a very cautious person, not wanting to commit to something without being sure of the outcome. I have been accused of over-thinking things and Ive never bothered to deny it. Just recently, however, I have started to think about the things I could be missing out on by sticking to my regimented way of thinking.
I'm not saying I never take risks but they are rare. The biggest risk would have to have been my college course, which sounds a little sad now I think of it. The battle with myself that I went through just to show up to the interview was bad enough. My hands were shaking and my mind was blank except for the fear coursing through my veins. Self-doubt plagued me but that wasn't the main reason for the panic I felt.
I sat on a bench outside the building I was to enter, clutching a portfolio of work which the majority of I had never let another person read. I was about to hand over something that was incredibly private for somebody else to scrutinize. I was not there because I thought I had talent or because my work work was remarkable in any way. I was there because I loved making it.
In the deepest darkest moments of my life, when I just wanted to curl up and die, when I thought my world was empty of anything worth holding onto I could sit down and release all the hurt and the pain. Other times I would just escape into the world in my head and live in a place full of so much more than I possessed in reality.
The works in my hand were the products of my sanctuary and so close to my heart that I resisted letting them go. I didn't know what awaited them and myself on the inside of that building and it made me want to run as far away from it as possible.
But I didn't.
It was the bravest decision I have ever made and not just because I opened myself up to be judged but because I had no idea what the outcome would be. Would I be able to do the same again? That I don't know. Now I am a little more battered and bruised and also a little more open and vulnerable.
I would never have guessed that day sat on the bench where I would be now, 5 years later. I started a process that day that has slowly removed personal barriers that I didn't know needed to be removed. I am a better person for it but I am also much more cautious.
My decisions effect me more than they used to and risks become greater now. I wonder whether it has prevented me taking the risks needed to really live my life. I told myself after that day that I would risk more and think less but it didn't really pan out that way. The worst affected area I think is my artwork. My art can be good but it is not extraordinary and I think the only way it'll ever get there is if I put myself on the line.
I want be that person walking into the unknown whose willing to show herself to the world. Just to say "This is me deal with it".
Will it happen?
We'll see...
I'm not saying I never take risks but they are rare. The biggest risk would have to have been my college course, which sounds a little sad now I think of it. The battle with myself that I went through just to show up to the interview was bad enough. My hands were shaking and my mind was blank except for the fear coursing through my veins. Self-doubt plagued me but that wasn't the main reason for the panic I felt.
I sat on a bench outside the building I was to enter, clutching a portfolio of work which the majority of I had never let another person read. I was about to hand over something that was incredibly private for somebody else to scrutinize. I was not there because I thought I had talent or because my work work was remarkable in any way. I was there because I loved making it.
In the deepest darkest moments of my life, when I just wanted to curl up and die, when I thought my world was empty of anything worth holding onto I could sit down and release all the hurt and the pain. Other times I would just escape into the world in my head and live in a place full of so much more than I possessed in reality.
The works in my hand were the products of my sanctuary and so close to my heart that I resisted letting them go. I didn't know what awaited them and myself on the inside of that building and it made me want to run as far away from it as possible.
But I didn't.
It was the bravest decision I have ever made and not just because I opened myself up to be judged but because I had no idea what the outcome would be. Would I be able to do the same again? That I don't know. Now I am a little more battered and bruised and also a little more open and vulnerable.
I would never have guessed that day sat on the bench where I would be now, 5 years later. I started a process that day that has slowly removed personal barriers that I didn't know needed to be removed. I am a better person for it but I am also much more cautious.
My decisions effect me more than they used to and risks become greater now. I wonder whether it has prevented me taking the risks needed to really live my life. I told myself after that day that I would risk more and think less but it didn't really pan out that way. The worst affected area I think is my artwork. My art can be good but it is not extraordinary and I think the only way it'll ever get there is if I put myself on the line.
I want be that person walking into the unknown whose willing to show herself to the world. Just to say "This is me deal with it".
Will it happen?
We'll see...
Tuesday, 7 April 2009
News
I'm not sure what I want to say today but I felt like I should come on here.
News Update:
My parents are moving to Scotland, which is a long way from where I live. I'm not sure how to feel about this. People keep asking me about it and I can name all the reasons it will be good for them and I really see it as a great move for them. But then comes the look. People get that searching look, like they are trying to find what I'm not saying.
I'm expected to state the obvious about how I'm gonna miss them, like that's not a given. More than that I think 'm expected to be more upset than I am. Maybe I'm unfeeling but I'm just not that upset.
My older sister is acting like a child over the whole thing, which is annoying me. She seems to be displaying all the emotions expected of me. all I can think is that this behaviour is pathetic. I just don't get the big deal.
News Update:
My parents are moving to Scotland, which is a long way from where I live. I'm not sure how to feel about this. People keep asking me about it and I can name all the reasons it will be good for them and I really see it as a great move for them. But then comes the look. People get that searching look, like they are trying to find what I'm not saying.
I'm expected to state the obvious about how I'm gonna miss them, like that's not a given. More than that I think 'm expected to be more upset than I am. Maybe I'm unfeeling but I'm just not that upset.
My older sister is acting like a child over the whole thing, which is annoying me. She seems to be displaying all the emotions expected of me. all I can think is that this behaviour is pathetic. I just don't get the big deal.
Thursday, 19 March 2009
The Merits of Research
I do remember sitting in a classroom which was always the temperature of the tropics a few years ago. I was sat next to LB, we were both randomly doodling with the giant pens that I thought would be funny. In my head I'm thinking the over-zealous heating is a ploy to see us prancing around in swimwear ala Club Tropicana by Wham. The song takes hold within my head playing in a circuit.
In the background AS, our then long-suffering teacher, is talking about something important, if I can only just focus on it. But that pesky George Michael is relentless. I lean to my other side and DH is scribbling furiously her notes. I make out one word RESEARCH. Crisis averted, no need to listen, research isn't really vital to my career as a writer.
BOY WAS I WRONG!!!!!
A few years have passed since I left my degree in Creative Writing. I left with a BA and stunted creativity. I thought this was down to overthinking my writing. I ditched all planning and research and just started writing from my heart. I ignored my brain telling me to correct spelling or grammar and ignored the critical voice asking where it was going.
I found it freeing creatively and actually began writing something I was happy with. It wasn't perfect but I liked it, which was an improvement. When I started looking at the work I was doing it was all inter-related. Unknowingly I'd started writing a trilogy.
As the work progressed I put down a plan. A PLAN! Totally unlike me. Two weeks ago I was suddenly struck by the fact that in order to make my work better I need to research quite a bit of information.
The big revelation is that I enjoy doing research. I'm surrounded by books and my own typed notes. Everything is covered in highlights and post its. It's all very surreal but I love it.
All those years ago sat in that classroom I never thought I would be in the position I'm in now.
This is serious now, not just a hobby, my life is this story now and I'm compelled to finish it. Scary
In the background AS, our then long-suffering teacher, is talking about something important, if I can only just focus on it. But that pesky George Michael is relentless. I lean to my other side and DH is scribbling furiously her notes. I make out one word RESEARCH. Crisis averted, no need to listen, research isn't really vital to my career as a writer.
BOY WAS I WRONG!!!!!
A few years have passed since I left my degree in Creative Writing. I left with a BA and stunted creativity. I thought this was down to overthinking my writing. I ditched all planning and research and just started writing from my heart. I ignored my brain telling me to correct spelling or grammar and ignored the critical voice asking where it was going.
I found it freeing creatively and actually began writing something I was happy with. It wasn't perfect but I liked it, which was an improvement. When I started looking at the work I was doing it was all inter-related. Unknowingly I'd started writing a trilogy.
As the work progressed I put down a plan. A PLAN! Totally unlike me. Two weeks ago I was suddenly struck by the fact that in order to make my work better I need to research quite a bit of information.
The big revelation is that I enjoy doing research. I'm surrounded by books and my own typed notes. Everything is covered in highlights and post its. It's all very surreal but I love it.
All those years ago sat in that classroom I never thought I would be in the position I'm in now.
This is serious now, not just a hobby, my life is this story now and I'm compelled to finish it. Scary
Back again
Again with the long absence. I guess not having regular internet is really affecting what I'm keeping up with. I realised yesterday that I hadn't talked to one of my friends for months. Thats pretty terrible. She lives in France and the only way to keep in contact is via e-mail.
I guess the problem lies with me thinking I have nothing to say. Which is not true. I have plenty to say just maybe not anything interesting. So I think I'm just gonna stick some new thoughts up here anyway. Send them to the great Muser in the sky.
I guess the problem lies with me thinking I have nothing to say. Which is not true. I have plenty to say just maybe not anything interesting. So I think I'm just gonna stick some new thoughts up here anyway. Send them to the great Muser in the sky.
Sunday, 19 October 2008
just words...
So I just wrote this and not sure what to do with it. I feels like it could become a poem but I haven't written one of those in a long time. Not sure. Would appreciate feedback...
The chilly autumn breeze summons its long cool fingers probing through my layers, working through the chinks in my armour I wear to face the day. They stroke at my insides making me feel alive under the painted doll exterior, cracking under the pressure of a thousand expectant voices ringing in my head waiting for the moment I become more than mere surface, expose a bit of depth under my hard expanse. The wind finds the hairline cracks to work its finger through. Come to sooth my soul in it’s restrictive shell of isolation. But the cracks cannot be seen, the diversions have been set detracting attention from the ever increasing hole around my heart that aches from exclusion. Its monotonous beat pulses through the shell gradually sending fissures. Nobody will see, the clowns will distract them.
The chilly autumn breeze summons its long cool fingers probing through my layers, working through the chinks in my armour I wear to face the day. They stroke at my insides making me feel alive under the painted doll exterior, cracking under the pressure of a thousand expectant voices ringing in my head waiting for the moment I become more than mere surface, expose a bit of depth under my hard expanse. The wind finds the hairline cracks to work its finger through. Come to sooth my soul in it’s restrictive shell of isolation. But the cracks cannot be seen, the diversions have been set detracting attention from the ever increasing hole around my heart that aches from exclusion. Its monotonous beat pulses through the shell gradually sending fissures. Nobody will see, the clowns will distract them.
Pregnancy and Abortion
One topic that keeps coming up around me lately is pregnancy, children and abortions. These seem to be recurring themes in my life for the last year. It’s got me thinking about my own views and whether they will ever be firmly fixed on these subjects.
The idea of abortion makes me realise that I would not be able to deal with the guilt of getting rid of an unborn child. I know that there are some situations where it is the best option but again I don’t think I could live with the guilt that I would place upon myself for having one. But I have never been one of those “pro-life” people who believe that anybody who has an abortion is going to hell either. I suppose I’ve always thought that the decision lies solely with the person who is pregnant. If they feel that they want an abortion I think it is their right to have one. I also think it is a very brave decision because as I have said I don’t think I could do it. My view on this has always been just because it is not right for me does not mean it is wrong for everybody else.
The reason why I have been thinking about this is because a friend of mine had an abortion earlier this year. I think it was a very difficult decision for her because under other circumstances she would have had the baby. She knew it was not the right time and so made the choice to have an abortion. I have been thinking about her lately mainly because I discovered a YouTube page belonging to someone I work with (EK) that was filled with “pro-life” propaganda. I was shocked by it as I had no idea she felt that way.
FF saw this website as well and was deeply hurt by the things that were on there. She had been friends with EK for quite a while and had spoken with her about her own experiences of abortion and felt that all of a sudden this woman was judging her. EK refused to take responsibility for the hurt she had caused or for the information she had posted on her sight. Surely if we put our opinions out into the world we should take responsibility for the reactions they cause?
Pregnancy and babies are also on my mind at the moment.
AW is pregnant at the moment. She had been talking about wanting another child for about six months before she became pregnant. I hate to think it about a friend but I think she got pregnant deliberately. She is single and was with a guy for a very short time around when she got pregnant. She joked a lot about just going out and getting pregnant. The guy she was with had no idea that is what she wanted and is now lumbered with 18 years of CSA payments he hadn’t bargained on. You could say that it’s his fault for not using a condom but even so the pregnancy was not an accident. Is that fair on him? Besides she already has one child who’s desperate for her attention and she doesn’t get it. I feel like I’m being harsh but I just don’t get it. Maybe I’m old fashioned but you don’t just have a baby because you want one without thinking about the father or whether it’s fair on the baby or your existing child do you? I can’t shake the thought that she’s being incredibly selfish.
More on this another time I guess.
The idea of abortion makes me realise that I would not be able to deal with the guilt of getting rid of an unborn child. I know that there are some situations where it is the best option but again I don’t think I could live with the guilt that I would place upon myself for having one. But I have never been one of those “pro-life” people who believe that anybody who has an abortion is going to hell either. I suppose I’ve always thought that the decision lies solely with the person who is pregnant. If they feel that they want an abortion I think it is their right to have one. I also think it is a very brave decision because as I have said I don’t think I could do it. My view on this has always been just because it is not right for me does not mean it is wrong for everybody else.
The reason why I have been thinking about this is because a friend of mine had an abortion earlier this year. I think it was a very difficult decision for her because under other circumstances she would have had the baby. She knew it was not the right time and so made the choice to have an abortion. I have been thinking about her lately mainly because I discovered a YouTube page belonging to someone I work with (EK) that was filled with “pro-life” propaganda. I was shocked by it as I had no idea she felt that way.
FF saw this website as well and was deeply hurt by the things that were on there. She had been friends with EK for quite a while and had spoken with her about her own experiences of abortion and felt that all of a sudden this woman was judging her. EK refused to take responsibility for the hurt she had caused or for the information she had posted on her sight. Surely if we put our opinions out into the world we should take responsibility for the reactions they cause?
Pregnancy and babies are also on my mind at the moment.
AW is pregnant at the moment. She had been talking about wanting another child for about six months before she became pregnant. I hate to think it about a friend but I think she got pregnant deliberately. She is single and was with a guy for a very short time around when she got pregnant. She joked a lot about just going out and getting pregnant. The guy she was with had no idea that is what she wanted and is now lumbered with 18 years of CSA payments he hadn’t bargained on. You could say that it’s his fault for not using a condom but even so the pregnancy was not an accident. Is that fair on him? Besides she already has one child who’s desperate for her attention and she doesn’t get it. I feel like I’m being harsh but I just don’t get it. Maybe I’m old fashioned but you don’t just have a baby because you want one without thinking about the father or whether it’s fair on the baby or your existing child do you? I can’t shake the thought that she’s being incredibly selfish.
More on this another time I guess.
One topic that keeps coming up around me lately is pregnancy, children and abortions. These seem to be recurring themes in my life for the last year. It’s got me thinking about my own views and whether they will ever be firmly fixed on these subjects.
The idea of abortion makes me realise that I would not be able to deal with the guilt of getting rid of an unborn child. I know that there are some situations where it is the best option but again I don’t think I could live with the guilt that I would place upon myself for having one. But I have never been one of those “pro-life” people who believe that anybody who has an abortion is going to hell either. I suppose I’ve always thought that the decision lies solely with the person who is pregnant. If they feel that they want an abortion I think it is their right to have one. I also think it is a very brave decision because as I have said I don’t think I could do it. My view on this has always been just because it is not right for me does not mean it is wrong for everybody else.
The reason why I have been thinking about this is because a friend of mine had an abortion earlier this year. I think it was a very difficult decision for her because under other circumstances she would have had the baby. She knew it was not the right time and so made the choice to have an abortion. I have been thinking about her lately mainly because I discovered a YouTube page belonging to someone I work with (EK) that was filled with “pro-life” propaganda. I was shocked by it as I had no idea she felt that way.
FF saw this website as well and was deeply hurt by the things that were on there. She had been friends with EK for quite a while and had spoken with her about her own experiences of abortion and felt that all of a sudden this woman was judging her. EK refused to take responsibility for the hurt she had caused or for the information she had posted on her sight. Surely if we put our opinions out into the world we should take responsibility for the reactions they cause?
Pregnancy and babies are also on my mind at the moment.
AW is pregnant at the moment. She had been talking about wanting another child for about six months before she became pregnant. I hate to think it about a friend but I think she got pregnant deliberately. She is single and was with a guy for a very short time around when she got pregnant. She joked a lot about just going out and getting pregnant. The guy she was with had no idea that is what she wanted and is now lumbered with 18 years of CSA payments he hadn’t bargained on. You could say that it’s his fault for not using a condom but even so the pregnancy was not an accident. Is that fair on him? Besides she already has one child who’s desperate for her attention and she doesn’t get it. I feel like I’m being harsh but I just don’t get it. Maybe I’m old fashioned but you don’t just have a baby because you want one without thinking about the father or whether it’s fair on the baby or your existing child do you? I can’t shake the thought that she’s being incredibly selfish.
More on this another time I guess.
The idea of abortion makes me realise that I would not be able to deal with the guilt of getting rid of an unborn child. I know that there are some situations where it is the best option but again I don’t think I could live with the guilt that I would place upon myself for having one. But I have never been one of those “pro-life” people who believe that anybody who has an abortion is going to hell either. I suppose I’ve always thought that the decision lies solely with the person who is pregnant. If they feel that they want an abortion I think it is their right to have one. I also think it is a very brave decision because as I have said I don’t think I could do it. My view on this has always been just because it is not right for me does not mean it is wrong for everybody else.
The reason why I have been thinking about this is because a friend of mine had an abortion earlier this year. I think it was a very difficult decision for her because under other circumstances she would have had the baby. She knew it was not the right time and so made the choice to have an abortion. I have been thinking about her lately mainly because I discovered a YouTube page belonging to someone I work with (EK) that was filled with “pro-life” propaganda. I was shocked by it as I had no idea she felt that way.
FF saw this website as well and was deeply hurt by the things that were on there. She had been friends with EK for quite a while and had spoken with her about her own experiences of abortion and felt that all of a sudden this woman was judging her. EK refused to take responsibility for the hurt she had caused or for the information she had posted on her sight. Surely if we put our opinions out into the world we should take responsibility for the reactions they cause?
Pregnancy and babies are also on my mind at the moment.
AW is pregnant at the moment. She had been talking about wanting another child for about six months before she became pregnant. I hate to think it about a friend but I think she got pregnant deliberately. She is single and was with a guy for a very short time around when she got pregnant. She joked a lot about just going out and getting pregnant. The guy she was with had no idea that is what she wanted and is now lumbered with 18 years of CSA payments he hadn’t bargained on. You could say that it’s his fault for not using a condom but even so the pregnancy was not an accident. Is that fair on him? Besides she already has one child who’s desperate for her attention and she doesn’t get it. I feel like I’m being harsh but I just don’t get it. Maybe I’m old fashioned but you don’t just have a baby because you want one without thinking about the father or whether it’s fair on the baby or your existing child do you? I can’t shake the thought that she’s being incredibly selfish.
More on this another time I guess.
Sunday, 12 October 2008
The perils of alcohol!
So my good mood lasted a few days. Friday I was feeling ready to face the world and so I headed out with FF all dolled up. I don't know what I was trying to do but I guess I must have thought ready to go out and have a good time. I headed out and I have realised that the way I used to have fun doesn't appeal to me.
I got very drunk and said some things that led to an awkward situation for FF and now I feel terrible about it. I know now that the partying part of my life I'm never gonna get back and I don't want it back. I have better things to do.
Now I have it out of my system I can really move on. I have left behind something that wasn't working and now I'm sure I'm making the right decision. Not that I'm going to drop the friends I made during that time because as I have said in my previous post these friends are very important. I just don't want to be in that situation anymore.
I got very drunk and said some things that led to an awkward situation for FF and now I feel terrible about it. I know now that the partying part of my life I'm never gonna get back and I don't want it back. I have better things to do.
Now I have it out of my system I can really move on. I have left behind something that wasn't working and now I'm sure I'm making the right decision. Not that I'm going to drop the friends I made during that time because as I have said in my previous post these friends are very important. I just don't want to be in that situation anymore.
Thursday, 9 October 2008
Happy Birthday!
So yesterday was my birthday and another year has passed me by with none of the achievements I had wished it to carry along with it. It has been a strange year in which a large part of my life has fallen apart at the seams and languished on the floor of life mooning like an overly emotional teenager. The strange thing is that it has not been a bad year or in my view a wasted year.
In this year where things fell apart I have realised that these things were superfluous. I did not need them in order to have a meaningful and happy life. These things that I have mentioned are Job and money. I have lost both because of my health. I have ME which I have talked about on other posts and so won’t bore you with the details. But because of this I am now off sick from my job and have very little money.
I feel like I am in a situation where I should feel sorry for myself. I do not. I actually feel liberated. I know it all sounds a little cliché but now I have had time to process the year I have had I can see much clearer what went wrong and what is important to me.
This process started with a trip to a specialist in Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME). She not only made me see that my having to scale back on work and the things I felt obliged to do was the right thing to do, she also encouraged me to let more go. I had the scary task of paring down my life to the point where it was non-exsistant. I am now in the process of gradually adding back the things I can do and the things I enjoy doing.
I think the main thing I have learnt this year is that there is no point fighting to keep hold of the things you have if you end up with no quality of life. I have learnt that now. I didn’t need the things I had and I was missing out the things that I did need just to keep the status quo.
I now stand at the beginning of another year starting again from scratch. Recovering again from the illness that debilitates me and which will likely debilitate me again some time in the future. But unlike last year I stand here with hope that this time I will do things differently, that I will begin the cycle afresh and the outcome will be less severe.
Each time this illness strikes I leave it with renewed purpose and stronger dreams for the future. The wheel will turn once more but with every revolution I become wiser.
Looking back to the last few years I had changed my life sufficiently that my life didn’t crumble so harshly as it did the last time. I faced my illness this time with a team of people behind me. People who were aware I needed them because I was able to see it. These people were there chasing me when I ran and right by my side when I couldn’t go anywhere.
I may have lost my working use this year but I have gained where I fit in and who stands with me there. I am rooted, which is something I never expected to be.
Happy Birthday to me!!!
In this year where things fell apart I have realised that these things were superfluous. I did not need them in order to have a meaningful and happy life. These things that I have mentioned are Job and money. I have lost both because of my health. I have ME which I have talked about on other posts and so won’t bore you with the details. But because of this I am now off sick from my job and have very little money.
I feel like I am in a situation where I should feel sorry for myself. I do not. I actually feel liberated. I know it all sounds a little cliché but now I have had time to process the year I have had I can see much clearer what went wrong and what is important to me.
This process started with a trip to a specialist in Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME). She not only made me see that my having to scale back on work and the things I felt obliged to do was the right thing to do, she also encouraged me to let more go. I had the scary task of paring down my life to the point where it was non-exsistant. I am now in the process of gradually adding back the things I can do and the things I enjoy doing.
I think the main thing I have learnt this year is that there is no point fighting to keep hold of the things you have if you end up with no quality of life. I have learnt that now. I didn’t need the things I had and I was missing out the things that I did need just to keep the status quo.
I now stand at the beginning of another year starting again from scratch. Recovering again from the illness that debilitates me and which will likely debilitate me again some time in the future. But unlike last year I stand here with hope that this time I will do things differently, that I will begin the cycle afresh and the outcome will be less severe.
Each time this illness strikes I leave it with renewed purpose and stronger dreams for the future. The wheel will turn once more but with every revolution I become wiser.
Looking back to the last few years I had changed my life sufficiently that my life didn’t crumble so harshly as it did the last time. I faced my illness this time with a team of people behind me. People who were aware I needed them because I was able to see it. These people were there chasing me when I ran and right by my side when I couldn’t go anywhere.
I may have lost my working use this year but I have gained where I fit in and who stands with me there. I am rooted, which is something I never expected to be.
Happy Birthday to me!!!
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