Positive Mental Attitude

It's been an interesting few weeks for me. I've caught up with some friends I've not seen for a while, nearly been run over and been disappointed and through it all (bar 1 day) have managed to keep my upbeat attitude.

After a very busy week I had the worst day with ME than I have had for a long time. I just let it have me for the day curling into a ball and telling the outside world to go to hell. By the evening I still felt awful and had so much going through my mind that I decided to write out. I considered blogging it but I found that some things are just too personal. I kept it though, I thought I might revisit what I found when I feel ready for it.

The next day I felt ready to face the outside world again and thought I was doing much better. Apparently I was not as with it as I thought because I walked out in front of a car! Luckily the driver was more alert than I was and managed to stop in time to just run over my toe. At this point I could have been dismayed and gone down the spiral of what could have happened but instead I just thought how lucky I was that it hadn't been worse and then moved on.

A week ago I received another blow. I have been turned down for the teacher training course I applied for in Scotland. As I read the news I thought I would be overwhelmed with the downer of failure. I wasn't. My mind automatically started thinking of alternatives and within 15 minutes I had found a course somewhere else and applied for it.

This new positive attitude is a strange animal that I have very little experience of. My entire life plan has been altered and I'm still feeling positive. I can make anything work. Whatever happens I know I can cope with it and find something else to aim for.

Well thats different

Well I guess it's that time of year again. This year it feels a little different. At the moment I'm really trying to make sense of how I feel about a lot of things. I made some decisions this year, decisions I feel I've been leading up to for a while. I felt I'd come a long way last October, when on my birthday I spouted about my journey and how I felt so much better and so on. I guess I did at the time feel a little smug, like I had made this big leap forward, like that was the destination.

Obviously I know how that ends, there is no destination just the long path we walk through until we can't walk anymore. That path can be frightening or boring, happy, sad or middling, that part is up to the traveller I guess. This last year has had its ups and downs and many moments where I have felt that I am achieving nothing. I have been silent and I have not been able to shut up, I have been really lonely for the first time, I have felt connected and disconnected.

Importantly I have made some big decisions about what I want and taken steps to get there. I have looked closely at what I don't want and was a little surprised at what I found there. Now, as christmas nears and brings with it the end of another year my thoughts have settled on what I do want and I was surprised. Not really surprised by what is in there but how I feel about it.

I have been cynical for so long, shutting out the things I used to want. Five years ago I opened up the possibility of something that I loved to be a part of my life. In taking that step I didn't realize what else I would receive and what other possibilities would open along the way. I found real friends who I feel I'll be friends with for the rest of my life and I found that the person I am is not that bad.

I am looking at what I want with hope. A feeling I wasn't sure I still had. It's difficult to explain but a long time ago I broke and it took a lot to put myself back together. I made myself a new life but I still felt broken. I shied away from the things I had wanted, deciding I couldn't have them anymore. I have been slowly picking up the things I left and now I want them all back. I am not the same as I was back then but what I want hasn't changed and thats ok because I'm better able to deal with them now. More importantly I feel like I deserve them. And you have no idea how odd that feels.

The only problem is my whole attitude has made a turn for the romantic, which has not happened for a very long time. I have been lusty, obsessive, infatuated but not romantic. I'm not sure what to do with this. I am in exactly the position to be swept off my feet, but there is nobody around to do the sweeping...