Support

So it's been a week and I haven't posted anything up here. Now that I am I find I don't know what to say. I guess I say that a lot and I eventually find some self-centred drivel to post up here. At the moment I have plenty to be down about but I also have plenty to be thankful for. I thought I would take a moment to think about other people instead of myself.

I was just reading Mog's blog and I feel terrible for her. In some ways I know what she's going through as I have had money problems which meant that I went bankrupt just over a year ago. I know that for her her money troubles are worse as she has more to lose than I did. A lot of people are in this boat with her in this recession and I hope that they have the support network that I had as it makes all the difference. To Mog, I am here for you with whatever help you need. You are not alone.

My sister is currently embarking on the hard journey towards getting a degree at 32. I have to say I was dubious at first as she does tend to go off on whims and then get bored after a couple of months but she seems to be serious about this. This is a big deal for her as she has always believed herself too stupid for higher education, which is totally not true. She learns in a different way to the way they used to teach in schools back in our day (I sound really old!) and there was no support system for those who had trouble with the teaching methods. It was difficult for her and overcoming her own negative experiences has been a big challenge for her. I really hope it works out for her.

Another close friend of mine is caring for her parents. Everywhere she turns people treat her like she's after a free ride, like she's using her parents as an excuse to sponge off the government. I know the path she's chosen is a hard one, most of her time is spent looking after her parents or sorting problems for them. She hardly has any time for herself or her friends and the government treats her like scum. She has to fight for everything and I wish there was something to make her load a little lighter. All I can do is be there for her.

These three women all have their own problems and burdens but they are always there for me when I need them. They are my support network and I'm am extremely grateful for them. I hope they know I am here for them.

Slipping - Postcard Fiction

I met up with Mog today and we did some writing exercises and I promised I would blog the results so this is the first one. If you haven't been completely put off by this morsel feel free to check out the other on The Cherrypicker or Mog's work on Time to Tell the World.

Slipping

The condensation clung desperately to the glass as it began to slip down the vertical sides towards the mahogany stain table top. There it joined the amassing throng of water congregating at the ring. As the glass lifted free of the surface the water converged on the dry centre to be squashed by the returning glass.

Saul stared at the slowly changing water with marked concentration far beyond the capacity of his usual five pint threshold. It was becoming increasingly difficult to forget the hollow shell he wished to obliterate.

He raised his glass again and gulped down the dregs of his pint. The face that floated before him as a constant reminder faded with every swallow. One more pint should do the trick.

Pick Me Up

Hey, just to let you know out there that I haven't fallen into a big hole of despair. I have reread my post from last week and it is so negative. I am not going to apologize, although I did consider it, but I'm not. It was an honest view of where my head was at in that moment and I'm glad I put it out there.

I left the pity party fairly quickly and just got on with life. I really thought about what I was thinking at that point and threw it out. I went back to my original thinking about what was important to me and what I was going to do about it.

I got distracted by the possibilities and began concentrating on things from the wrong way round. My priority has always been being Happy above anything else including career. When I think about my recent disappointment in this frame of mind it doesn't seem that bad.

I have plans again. I am pressing on with my writing, because I have to try and feeling happy with my writing is the most important thing to me. I also haven't given up on teaching. I am going to get some advice about where I went wrong and what I can do to make myself more appealing to the university, then I'm going to re-apply next year.

Failure

I received word today that I didn't get into the second teaching course I applied for.

To say I’m not surprised is true, to say I’m miserable, perhaps also true, but mostly I’m terrified. Teaching was my practical option. My sensible choice. It was the thing that I figured I would enjoy and was the most likely to be successful of any of my courses of action. Now it has fallen through. I am completely without anchor because I’d convinced myself not to plan for every eventuality. I have no plan B at this stage, nothing to push me forward.

All other ideas of what would make me happy are not practical. I have spent many hours pouring over what I would like to be doing and none are financially viable:

I want another degree – I feel I wasted a lot of my 1^st degree and although I enjoyed the creative based work I would like to do something more theory based. The problem with this is that it would cost way more money than I could ever think to afford.

I want to write – If I could make a living from writing my life would be wonderful. It is my dream to be able to write knowing I didn’t need any other form of income. This is problematic as it is highly unlikely to ever happen. Even if I manage to get published it is unlikely to bring me large enough sums of money to make ends meet.

I want an MA – Again my need for intellectual stimulation rears its ugly head. What I would really like is to push through to PHD level and teach University level students. The problem with this is again financial. It would cost a lot more than I could find to do this. It is not an option.

I love designing and making things – I have been making handmade baby clothes the past few weeks as something to fill my time. I have booked a table at some small craft fairs over the next few months to see if they sell. I love doing this, it feels so calming but this is also not a practical way of making money. My output on making these things is not enough to make any decent money from them. It’s a nice supplement to any income but not an income in it’s own right.

These are all I have left in my list of things I would enjoy doing, none of which are practical options. I know I can’t go back to working in an office again it just kills me physically and mentally. Shops are also a no no because of my ME (I have trouble shopping in shops on my own let alone working in one).

I keep reaching, trying to find a solution, an option of some kind that is not going to make me ill and I come back with nothing. Where I go from here I don’t know and that scares the hell out of me.

waking up

I wrote 1500 words today. I have been having trouble getting sat down and writing something that isn't just self-indulgent drivel but this is not awful. It is actually something that fits with a project I keep trying to get off the ground which is good news.

Don't get me wrong it's really rubbish at the moment and it's going to need a hell of lot of work. But its something and something feels good.

A small step away from complete inactivity.

Procrastination

My ability to procrastinate shocks even me sometimes. I have spent the week doing pretty much fuck all, apart from reading a couple of books. I’ve not even got dressed most days, preferring to veg on the sofa in my PJs. I have plans, plans I’m excited about, but the more I think about it the more immobile I become, the longer I lay in bed and the less I seem to do of anything. I know this habit, its one I’m very familiar with but I have yet to learn to break it. I know what I want which is a real rarity for me and now I’m left frustrated with my own lack of movement on these issues.

I guess the problem is more about my own need to know what I’m doing and the possible outcomes before proceeding. This is ok in principle but what happens when I don’t know where it will lead? This is what happens, the rabbit in headlights look descends. It really winds me up because not all my life is like that. Most of my life I have sorted in my head and I have the possible outcomes all mapped out. I know how to get those things therefore I can predict a series of outcomes that I am ready for.

There is only one thing that I haven’t been able to sort out in my head. This is because I don’t know how proceed because I’ve never done it before. I have very little frame of reference to draw from having just happened upon it the last time, besides I would not want to base anything I do now on that as it was such a spectacular disaster!

My brain doesn’t function without a plan, at all. I haven’t got a clue how I’m going to get this particular thing on the list. As usual if there’s just one thing that’s not 100% thought through my brain goes into shut down. It’s like ‘Wing it?... Do not compute!’ I get absolutely nothing done, even the stuff I know what I’m doing with. I have no idea how to break this particular manifestation of my inner control freak and it’s annoying the hell out of me.

Any suggestions?