What a Great Evening

I've just spent the evening at a performance by people with learning difficulties.  It was fabulous!  Some of the dance and physical theatre pieces were really moving.

I have decided to post another Poem.  I am still working on the previous one, but this is another for your perusal.

Sleeping Fish

 

Brilliant sunshine frolics on the bed sheets 

sending shivers of envy through the bodies beneath,

enlivened shapes playfully dance and sway

to the rhythm of the sun’s drum.

 

Lavender air drifts in light waves through

the open window kissing the light drapes sending

them skittering across the parquet floor.

 

Long arms caress in the silky warmness

as sleepy minds drift between worlds,

 

just one moment before day begins.

Beautiful Pictures

Margaret MacDonald MacKintosh

Cinderella

Panel painted on Vellum c.1901-23

Margaret MacDonald MacKintosh 

The White Rose and the Red Rose

Panel 1902

Just been looking at some of the work of Margaret MacDonald.  It's just so beautiful I had to post some up here.  

Places I Breath

I was just thinking today about the places I connect with.  The places I go back to over and over, the ones that automatically calm me.  In the moments when you open the car door and step out into the scenery and life evens out and everything else melts away.

There are few places where I can feel completely still.  My mind stills and I'm just there.  I'm not thinking about the past and the future and everything in between.  I am right there in the moment, feeling my way through the landscape.

The thing is that these places are all rural.  The power of nature to keep me calm surprises me.  I live in the city, I always have lived in fairly built up areas.  Now I'm not sure why.  If I feel calmer and more myself in the countryside why on earth am I living in the city?

Chasing Clouds

This is a new poem I have just written.  It is still in the early stages but I really could do with some feedback on it.  Feel free to be brutal!

Chasing Clouds   

The bright grass sways

around my prone state 

as I spot shapes in the clouds.  

The sun beats down, 

I am on the warm side of comfortable, 

an insubstantial mass of conscious 

amongst the sentient brave.   

The compacted ground beneath 

my lying form sends my back 

into spasm that does not ease 

until I raise my legs. 

Feet flat on the ground 

knees peeking out from the grass 

caps tickled by the gentle sway.   

I wait here as the clouds advance over me 

fluffy white delicacies will turn 

into angry bruises roiling across 

the sky like a petulant child threatening to cry 

the droplets falling to caress my skin 

clinging to the sanctuary. 

Waking my deadened limbs.    

Laying in this glade will not save me 

the impending darkness lovingly calls 

Staying does not deliver an inquiring mind, 

it is just enough to mimic living 

the grass not real, just as the fluffy 

white bunnies in sky will not remain 

when I open my eyes to the world.        

Full Throttle

So today I posted my volunteer requests to the schools in the area.  I sent out my carefully crafted invites in their eye-catching envelopes addressed to each Headteacher personally.  I stood and deposited them in the post box and realized I was holding my breath.

That's it.  They are gone.  The risk has been taken, the choice made.  I didn't realize until I was stood there how important that step really was.  I could have backed out before now, even after all the effort I put into creating the little cards, I could have thrown them away.  For a split second that seemed like a tempting idea.

Now they are gone I guess the worry is less about what if they don't reply and more what if they do?  I've made a decision and I'm not sure whether I can follow through.  What if I get there and I suck?  I could fail at this, I've never taught children before, they might hate me.  These are the things I worried about the moments before the letters slid soundless into the box.  Unlike usual though I have gone ahead regardless.  I am going full throttle on this, to hell with the consequences.     

That way, hopefully, I'll surprise myself.

Checking in

Wow! What a week.

I've been so busy creating things and concentrating on my non-existing career.  I've been looking for a job for the last 3 months and had got into a pattern of applying for anything that had the right amount of hours.  I was sending out the same CV, churning out the same answers to application questions and getting nowhere.  

When I was at college I attended many seminars in standing out in the creative market, individual looking CVs and the like but I had only ever applied that to creative applications.  When looking for a normal job I would revert back to the old standard CV and covering letter.

After last week's decision to do teacher training to hopefully teach primary school, I realized I needed experience in a school.  This week I was sorting out letters requesting voluntary work within primary schools.  I started trying to do what I normally do, when a friend pointed out that they must receive quite a few of these requests and that maybe I should try something different.

She was right.  I have made little notecards using illustrations that I have drawn this week and I have to admit they look quite good.  It has spurred me on to put the same effort into my CV and applications.  I have completely redeveloped my CV with illustrations in the background like a watermark.  I really like them and they are really 'me'.

Whether it will get a better response than my previous one I don't know, but at least I will have given them something a little different to look at.  And I will be going into any interview with them expecting me, not just another lemming .

What a Gorgeous Day

The sun has been shining and I'm in a good mood.  Today I took my 30 minutes writing outdoors to celebrate the lifting of the rain.  It was lovely.  I sat under a tree, listened to music and wrote.

It was a bit self-conscious to start with but after a few minutes I totally forgot there were people around me.  I got so absorbed in writing I barely noticed the others stretched out across the park.

So overall a good day.   

Old Friends

I've been revisiting books I've read in the past recently and I have to say they haven't let me down.  Books I remember from childhood and books from my angsty teen years and more recently discovered ones that were worth another read.

I've rediscovered The Little White Horse by Elizabeth Goudge and I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith, both books I loved in my early teens.  Even now they have a charm that make them worth reading.

Next I visited Jane Austen and remembered just how much I like her.  These days I guess it's not cool liking classic romance, I should be reading edgier stuff, but I can't help myself.  Liking romance these days is like admitting you've sung along to a Michael Bolton song or cried at Neighbours!  It's just not admitted to.

My younger preference for Pride and Prejudice has been replaced by my  older and wiser self and Persuasion is current favorite.  I feel as though some books are like old friends, warm and welcoming and reassuringly familiar.  I'm all for boldly pushing the boundaries on fiction (I love Hunter S Thompson, Chuck Palahnuik) but sometimes there is something beautiful to be found in the familiar.

I feel myself luxuriating in characters I know better than some friends I've had.  They are the books of my years and I'll always have a soft spot for them.  

Next stop Room With a View and then perhaps I'll dive back into a Margaret Atwood.

  

New Layout

Just changed my layout.  Trying it out.  What do you think?

Feedback appreciated. x

So, what do you do?

Today I'm mostly contemplating the nature of work and why I can't seem to make up my mind what I'm going to do.  Every week I have another way in which I'm going to get by financially and none of them stick.  I guess I never really knew what I wanted to do when I grew up and I still don't.

There are many things that interest me and I find my attention span fairly short, which is not conducive to finding a long term career.  When I think of an ideal world where I get to do my dream job, it's not a conventional job.

The bottom line is I want to be a writer.  I suppose I already am.  I write fiction.  I sometimes dabble in poetry but my main thing is fiction.  Ideally I would love to earn money with my writing but I think it's not that realistic and if I can do this it'll be a long way off.

There are jobs where I can use my creative juices to earn money like journalism or advertising but that's not for me.  The idea of bending my creativity in that way doesn't sit right.  If I write I want to only write the subjects that float my boat.  

That leaves me with the option of finding something to keep me afloat financially.  But what?  And should I really wait it out in a job I'm not into in the hope that one day I'll be published?  I have other interests, things that get me excited intellectually, should I chase them instead?

My head hurts.  

Neno's Award

I'd like to thank An Uninspiring Blog Title for nominating me for this award. It's great to know when people enjoy the blog and your blog was one of the first I check in on when I started looking at others. It's has inspired my thoughts and writing.

Neno’s Rules
1. As a dedication for those who love blogging and love to encourage friendships through blogging.
2. To seek the reasons why we all love blogging.
3. Put the award in one post as soon as you receive it.
4. Don’t forget to mention the person who gives you the award.
5. Answer the awards question by writing the reason why you love blogging.
6. Tag and distribute the award to as many people as you like.
7. Don’t forget to notify the award receivers and put their links in your post.

I love blogging as gives me a space to syphon my thoughts, just skimming the top off my over-active brain. There are many reasons why I blog and even more why I read others' blogs. This space we have here is great to bounce off each others ideas. Other's thoughts inspire mine and then mine inspire others. It's a great process.

I'd like to pass this award on to:

Time To Tell the World

Plan Plan Plan

So I've decided I need a plan and I thought I would post it on here in a bid to stick to it. I don't do well with plans, a small discipline issue, so I'm trying new avenues to enforce progress.

Firstly I will write for at least 30 minutes every day. I'm hoping it will be longer than this but figure starting with a small amount might be a good idea. If I go over that amount I can feel like I've achieved something.

Secondly I'm gonna start walking more. I've been trying to locate parks around my area within walking distance so that whenever the weather is nice I can head out and spend some time outside. I've spent far too much time indoors recently and it's depressing.

Thirdly I want to only search for jobs online every other day. It seems that looking for a job has become my new time wasting technique. There is no need to keep checking several times a day. It's overkill.

Lastly I want to do more sewing. I've been doing odds and ends but nothing planned. I have projects I want to really get stuck into and why put things off? I'm just gonna go for it.

So now it's written down there's no going back. My failure this time would be public.

Let the experiment begin!

Old is a state of mind

So I went to a party tonight. You might be able to see by the time of this post that I didn't stay late. I just don't get that scene anymore. The music was so loud you couldn't talk, there were annoying strobe lights and it took forever to get served at the bar.

It was at this point that i realized I had gotten old. A few moments later I realized I didn't care. I was glad that I had finished with that part of my life. After all it took a lot of alcohol for me to enjoy that scene even when I was really young (like 18!!).

I say good for the old fuddy duddies, they know what they're talking about. I'll be applying for my zimmer frame shortly!

Dormant Haloes

Someone said to me one day while the sun
was shining and the days were long
that I would never amount to much
I smiled and I thought you're right.

That person had always been disappointed
in my lack of drive, my way of making everything a joke.
I would laugh at those who gave a damn
or those who pushed to make the grade.

That person didn't know what happened
to dreams, or where high hopes led.
They did not understand the importance
of invisibility, in blending with the crowd.

Getting by was more important than getting ahead
Dreams crept in and were swept away
hidden beneath bravado and joviality
lay the dormant haloes of a fallen angel.

What point was there to falling where others fear to tread,
reaching for something other than the safety of your head.

The Cheek of some people!!

So today I had a visit from my sister-in-law (JC). This was odd on 2 counts. Firstly, she normally lets me know before she pops round and secondly she was supposed to be at work.

She seemed really pissed off so I made her a drink and waited for her to vent. I was expecting something was wrong at work as she has only been there 3 weeks and already she hates it there. It seems like the people she works for are a little crazy and very rude. I had been hearing odd stories about them for the last few weeks.

She sighed and begun the latest story. I have to say I was shocked that employers think they can get away with what has happened. Perhaps I'm naive but I thought there were laws protecting people from this sort of thing:

JC had applied for the job through the Jobcentre website. They had advertised for someone on a low salary with a high commission estimate. This was confirmed in the interview and they offered her the job. When JC received the contract it stated it was commission only. When she queried this she was told it was an error and they would sort it out and come back to her with new a contract.

It took them 3 weeks of gentle reminders for them to do anything, the whole time JC is working full time. This morning they asked for a meeting with her and told her the job was commission only and not meant to be her only job. When she challenged them that the advert had stated a salary and an OTE they told her she could either accept it or leave!

The cheek of some people to think others are gonna roll over and take whatever they dish out! Needless to say she going to tell them where to go and look into where she stands legally.

tsk tsk tsk

The thing about laziness...

...is that it's a disease. It arrives in one part of your life and then quickly spreads to all other aspects until your entire being is saturated. along the way it mutates into apathy, boredom, lethargy etc. Nothing positive is born out of laziness.

I've been wondering today about what it is that makes me put off the things I should be doing. Is it laziness? I guess I have spent a lot of time getting in my own way but I've never really been sure why. Somewhere during my early school years I learnt that if I coasted I had more friends. I taught myself to use simpler words and only do as much as it took to get by.

I got past the being someone else for other people thing a long time ago but the laziness thing has never worn off.

However much I want to I don't seem to push myself in anything. I have no discipline.