just words...

So I just wrote this and not sure what to do with it. I feels like it could become a poem but I haven't written one of those in a long time. Not sure. Would appreciate feedback...

The chilly autumn breeze summons its long cool fingers probing through my layers, working through the chinks in my armour I wear to face the day. They stroke at my insides making me feel alive under the painted doll exterior, cracking under the pressure of a thousand expectant voices ringing in my head waiting for the moment I become more than mere surface, expose a bit of depth under my hard expanse. The wind finds the hairline cracks to work its finger through. Come to sooth my soul in it’s restrictive shell of isolation. But the cracks cannot be seen, the diversions have been set detracting attention from the ever increasing hole around my heart that aches from exclusion. Its monotonous beat pulses through the shell gradually sending fissures. Nobody will see, the clowns will distract them.

Pregnancy and Abortion

One topic that keeps coming up around me lately is pregnancy, children and abortions. These seem to be recurring themes in my life for the last year. It’s got me thinking about my own views and whether they will ever be firmly fixed on these subjects.

The idea of abortion makes me realise that I would not be able to deal with the guilt of getting rid of an unborn child. I know that there are some situations where it is the best option but again I don’t think I could live with the guilt that I would place upon myself for having one. But I have never been one of those “pro-life” people who believe that anybody who has an abortion is going to hell either. I suppose I’ve always thought that the decision lies solely with the person who is pregnant. If they feel that they want an abortion I think it is their right to have one. I also think it is a very brave decision because as I have said I don’t think I could do it. My view on this has always been just because it is not right for me does not mean it is wrong for everybody else.

The reason why I have been thinking about this is because a friend of mine had an abortion earlier this year. I think it was a very difficult decision for her because under other circumstances she would have had the baby. She knew it was not the right time and so made the choice to have an abortion. I have been thinking about her lately mainly because I discovered a YouTube page belonging to someone I work with (EK) that was filled with “pro-life” propaganda. I was shocked by it as I had no idea she felt that way.

FF saw this website as well and was deeply hurt by the things that were on there. She had been friends with EK for quite a while and had spoken with her about her own experiences of abortion and felt that all of a sudden this woman was judging her. EK refused to take responsibility for the hurt she had caused or for the information she had posted on her sight. Surely if we put our opinions out into the world we should take responsibility for the reactions they cause?

Pregnancy and babies are also on my mind at the moment.

AW is pregnant at the moment. She had been talking about wanting another child for about six months before she became pregnant. I hate to think it about a friend but I think she got pregnant deliberately. She is single and was with a guy for a very short time around when she got pregnant. She joked a lot about just going out and getting pregnant. The guy she was with had no idea that is what she wanted and is now lumbered with 18 years of CSA payments he hadn’t bargained on. You could say that it’s his fault for not using a condom but even so the pregnancy was not an accident. Is that fair on him? Besides she already has one child who’s desperate for her attention and she doesn’t get it. I feel like I’m being harsh but I just don’t get it. Maybe I’m old fashioned but you don’t just have a baby because you want one without thinking about the father or whether it’s fair on the baby or your existing child do you? I can’t shake the thought that she’s being incredibly selfish.

More on this another time I guess.

One topic that keeps coming up around me lately is pregnancy, children and abortions. These seem to be recurring themes in my life for the last year. It’s got me thinking about my own views and whether they will ever be firmly fixed on these subjects.

The idea of abortion makes me realise that I would not be able to deal with the guilt of getting rid of an unborn child. I know that there are some situations where it is the best option but again I don’t think I could live with the guilt that I would place upon myself for having one. But I have never been one of those “pro-life” people who believe that anybody who has an abortion is going to hell either. I suppose I’ve always thought that the decision lies solely with the person who is pregnant. If they feel that they want an abortion I think it is their right to have one. I also think it is a very brave decision because as I have said I don’t think I could do it. My view on this has always been just because it is not right for me does not mean it is wrong for everybody else.

The reason why I have been thinking about this is because a friend of mine had an abortion earlier this year. I think it was a very difficult decision for her because under other circumstances she would have had the baby. She knew it was not the right time and so made the choice to have an abortion. I have been thinking about her lately mainly because I discovered a YouTube page belonging to someone I work with (EK) that was filled with “pro-life” propaganda. I was shocked by it as I had no idea she felt that way.

FF saw this website as well and was deeply hurt by the things that were on there. She had been friends with EK for quite a while and had spoken with her about her own experiences of abortion and felt that all of a sudden this woman was judging her. EK refused to take responsibility for the hurt she had caused or for the information she had posted on her sight. Surely if we put our opinions out into the world we should take responsibility for the reactions they cause?

Pregnancy and babies are also on my mind at the moment.

AW is pregnant at the moment. She had been talking about wanting another child for about six months before she became pregnant. I hate to think it about a friend but I think she got pregnant deliberately. She is single and was with a guy for a very short time around when she got pregnant. She joked a lot about just going out and getting pregnant. The guy she was with had no idea that is what she wanted and is now lumbered with 18 years of CSA payments he hadn’t bargained on. You could say that it’s his fault for not using a condom but even so the pregnancy was not an accident. Is that fair on him? Besides she already has one child who’s desperate for her attention and she doesn’t get it. I feel like I’m being harsh but I just don’t get it. Maybe I’m old fashioned but you don’t just have a baby because you want one without thinking about the father or whether it’s fair on the baby or your existing child do you? I can’t shake the thought that she’s being incredibly selfish.

More on this another time I guess.

The perils of alcohol!

So my good mood lasted a few days. Friday I was feeling ready to face the world and so I headed out with FF all dolled up. I don't know what I was trying to do but I guess I must have thought ready to go out and have a good time. I headed out and I have realised that the way I used to have fun doesn't appeal to me.

I got very drunk and said some things that led to an awkward situation for FF and now I feel terrible about it. I know now that the partying part of my life I'm never gonna get back and I don't want it back. I have better things to do.

Now I have it out of my system I can really move on. I have left behind something that wasn't working and now I'm sure I'm making the right decision. Not that I'm going to drop the friends I made during that time because as I have said in my previous post these friends are very important. I just don't want to be in that situation anymore.

Happy Birthday!

So yesterday was my birthday and another year has passed me by with none of the achievements I had wished it to carry along with it. It has been a strange year in which a large part of my life has fallen apart at the seams and languished on the floor of life mooning like an overly emotional teenager. The strange thing is that it has not been a bad year or in my view a wasted year.

In this year where things fell apart I have realised that these things were superfluous. I did not need them in order to have a meaningful and happy life. These things that I have mentioned are Job and money. I have lost both because of my health. I have ME which I have talked about on other posts and so won’t bore you with the details. But because of this I am now off sick from my job and have very little money.

I feel like I am in a situation where I should feel sorry for myself. I do not. I actually feel liberated. I know it all sounds a little cliché but now I have had time to process the year I have had I can see much clearer what went wrong and what is important to me.

This process started with a trip to a specialist in Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME). She not only made me see that my having to scale back on work and the things I felt obliged to do was the right thing to do, she also encouraged me to let more go. I had the scary task of paring down my life to the point where it was non-exsistant. I am now in the process of gradually adding back the things I can do and the things I enjoy doing.

I think the main thing I have learnt this year is that there is no point fighting to keep hold of the things you have if you end up with no quality of life. I have learnt that now. I didn’t need the things I had and I was missing out the things that I did need just to keep the status quo.

I now stand at the beginning of another year starting again from scratch. Recovering again from the illness that debilitates me and which will likely debilitate me again some time in the future. But unlike last year I stand here with hope that this time I will do things differently, that I will begin the cycle afresh and the outcome will be less severe.

Each time this illness strikes I leave it with renewed purpose and stronger dreams for the future. The wheel will turn once more but with every revolution I become wiser.

Looking back to the last few years I had changed my life sufficiently that my life didn’t crumble so harshly as it did the last time. I faced my illness this time with a team of people behind me. People who were aware I needed them because I was able to see it. These people were there chasing me when I ran and right by my side when I couldn’t go anywhere.

I may have lost my working use this year but I have gained where I fit in and who stands with me there. I am rooted, which is something I never expected to be.

Happy Birthday to me!!!

Wow, what a break!

So I'm back after a long break with many things to talk about but I can't seem to decide which to begin with.

After the wedding there was the holiday which ended in an accident. I split my head open and wasn't allowed to fly home! That was a joy, not. Getting money out of the insurance company is like trying to remove a boisterous drunk at closing time.

Then I moved and went off sick from work!

All these things have long stories attached but now I'm finally here to send something out into the ether I find that I do n ot wish to talk about these things. Instead I'd like to share a first draft of a story I'm writing. It'll probably make no sense as it is the beginning of a novel which in fact a sequel to another I am writing. So if you've got that straight, enjoy reading and hopefully you may be moved enough to leave me a critical review as I need some feedback:



“So I’m destined to repeat the mistakes of my ancesters, is that what you’re trying to tell me?” Sera was frustrated by the relentless bleating of Professor Graham. Nearly four years of tuition had brought many fruitless hours of conversations that did not advance her training. Her other classes were practical and relevant to what she believed faced her out there in the Realms. What use was philosophy when you were being attacked? It was not talking that had saved her from the demon in the woods that rainy morning nearly four years ago. Had it really been that long?
The time following the incident, as it was now referred to as, had passed her by in a daze. The Senate council had been alled immediately and it had seemed they were now willing to take Sera’s claim seriously. Rigorous testing ensued involving all kinds of instruments that she had never seen before and combat exercises that seemed never-ending.
After a lengthy two month period of quarantine it had been decided that she was not a threat and was indeed a Guardian. They had then undertaken a course of strict study and monitoring which had filled the interim period.
“Travelling doesn’t necessarily mean travelling in circles Sera.” Master Graham spat out, exhasperated. “Not all of us are doomed to make the same mistakes over again. You are given these new chances to right the wrong and break the cycle.”
“But then if it is my destiny to right these so called wrongs why on earth would I have been sent to the Second realm?” Said Sera, pulled away from her memories. “Why not place me here where I was supposed to be?”
“It is not for us to understand how these experiences will change the overall outcome. We are only journeymen on the road of Mother Fate.” Master Graham stood, removing himself from behind the desk and motioning out the window as he said this. Sera ground her teeth at this gesture. It was precisely these pompous moves that she detested. They reeked of the ceremonial and outdated ways of the council.
“Surely though it would have been better for me to be here learning the information I need to fulfil my role.”
“You are the Guardian whether you are trained or not. It is not of importance.” He stated in clipped tones. Sera could feel his annoyance. Master Graham always prickled at the questioning way Sera communicated, like each question was an affront to his Religious and philosophical beliefs. In fact it was the opposite.
“Then why am I here?” Said Sera slyly. She knew well enough the time and effort the masters were putting into training her. She was too old and time was short. The frustration of fitting 10 years of training in, in less than half that time was taking it’s toll on them.
“Let us not be sidetracked,” Master Graham smiled ruefully. “To return to our point. Where you need to be is not necessarily where you are but it is when you are.”
“Huh?” They had moved onto the part of the lesson that made no sense to Sera. Every lesson was started easily enough and then somewhere along the line Sera became completely lost. When this first happened she had thought it was because she was being dim. As the lessons continued she discovered that it was Master Graham’s way to talk in riddles and obscurities. At some point she may understand what he was getting at but most occasions she ended up more confused than when they had started.
“Everybody is born to the time to which they belong. But it is a very intricate thing to deliver each person to his or her rightful time. People are not just reincarnated straight from grave to birthing room in the same day. That kind of crass thinking would have us all believe it is only happenstance or chance that places us.”
Master Graham paused briefly, glancing out of the low north window into the water meadow, lost in thought.
“Fate places us when we can do most good or, in your case, when it is time for a fresh try at a problem.”
“Ok I get that part. That I am destined to repeat a previous life.” She said dully. This had been a reccuring theme of her lessons. Reincarnation and respecting and channelling our past life experiences was a favourite subject of Master Graham’s.
“Not repeat, no. But you are on the right track.” He smiled again, this time the generous smile that kept Sera coming back to these tedious classes. “It is your destiny to redo what was undone.”

“Right,” Sera smiled back unable to help herself. His smile lifted the entire room like the warm autumn glow which she missed in these cold winter months. “But that still doesn’t explain why I was not placed somewhere I’d be noticed. Then I could have received my training and be better prepared for what lies ahead.”
“It is very tricky to deliver someone to their time. It is precise and complicated.” Sera rolled her eyes and Master Graham elaborated. “We have several possibilities as to why this happened. Mother fate has a lot to juggle and people cannot always be placed where they are needed. It is most important that they are when they should be. A person can move location with a few minor alterations from fate. It would then be easier to place a soul if there was less emphasis on getting the exact location correct.”

“So you’re saying that it was not important where I grew up just that I could be manoeuvred into position when I had?” Understanding was beginning find her, a pinprick of light deep in the dark cavity of her mind.
“Possibly,” he said. Still smiling he strolled back towards his desk and positioned himself behind the neatly stacked papers of other classes. Sera wondered whether those other classes also had trouble following him. “But this is not the only theory on the subject.
“Some believe that you were born and moved exactly as you were destined to. That your journey so far is the correct one to prepare you for the road ahead. There are of course those who feel the opposite.” His smile faltered as a remembered conversation flitted in to his mind and then was easily brushed aside. “Those who find your upbringing a hindrance to your role as Guardian, who think that had you had the correct length of training you would be stronger or that your attitude is not conducive to the role you will have to assume.”
“Like Councillor Watt?” There was a silence that followed Sera’s admission that she knew of at least one person who was opposed to her eventual appointment as Guardian. She had never considered that he was not the only one to feel this way and now she thought about it she felt stupid not to have realised. Of course there were many that would not accept her. That thought she was not capable. “What do you believe?”
“I believe Fate knows more of these things than we do.” Master Graham neatly dodged the question by hiding behind his philosophies. “It is not for me to question the path she sets us forth along. She guides us the best she can and we end up at the right point, so who am I to pass judgement. Besides where would the fun be if we had nowhere to go and no journey to travel? I would not wish that kind of life for anyone.”
“I guess there’d be no point.” Sera pondered the words of Master Graham letting them seep through her brain. Somewhere amongst the nonsense the whole picture was beginning to unfold.
“I think the thing to remember is that you may be reliving a past connection but that does not mean it will play out the same. As you stated earlier, what would be the point?”
“Hmmm”
“Your experiences to this point have altered the way in which it takes place. You are the product of that journey and it will influence your decisions. Do not be ashamed of the way you arrived here, embrace it. By changing the circumstances the outcome changes. Whether that is for the good or no only time will tell. I do not know if even Fate could tell you.”

The Day After the Night Before

So it's bank Holiday Monday and the sun is shining like a goodun!

My brother got married yesterday. I am sitting at home having just got in half an hour ago and I'm starting to feel a little worse for wear! The day was lovely yesterday and the forecast rain thankfully never arrived. I think a good time was had by all but the truth is I can only remember up til about 10pm.

After this point the night gets very patchy in my memory and I think that is just as well! My legs are very sore which indicates there must have been dancing at some point and the fact that I drunk a hell of a lot and spent £5 is very baffling.

I have a horrible feeling I was "the drunk" at this family wedding, when I arrived at breakfast this morning people kept asking how my head was. To their surprise I came down for breakfast bright and cheery and tucked into a full english.

I was not really looking forward to the wedding as I don't like weddings as a whole but I was pleasantly surprised. It was a really good day and there weren't any problems.

Plus as a bonus I didn't look too hideous in my outfit.

Must get back to re-hydrating.

The Lies we Tell Ourselves...

... to save our hearts from pain

1. I am happy. The first and perhaps the biggest lie as it is a mantra repeated often in a way that is more to convince myself than other people. I believe happiness to be a transient state in which once entered must be left after only a short time. If your life is spent in a happy state 20% of the time then you are very lucky. Not that I am an unhappy person, but I am all the more happy because I have experienced the lows that life can throw. If I was being truthful I would be disappointed if my life was entirely happy, very boring if you ask me.

2. I do not want children. I like to pretend that the white picket fence life with partner and children doesn't appeal to me. This life is looked down upon by so many women these days. It seems it is not enough to devote your time to raising children, you need to find 'extra-curricular pursuits' to validate your life. If I was honest I kind of crave that life. There are many things I want and this is one of them. I suppose there is always a chance that it wouldn't be so easy to perpetuate this lie if I actually thought I could have it.

3. I don't have time to write my book. There is time but I use it on other things, things that I feel are more proper things to do with my time. I think the main problem is that i still feel my writing is an indulgence and not a proper use of my time. Must do something about that.

4. I am well. I like to pretend that i am well. It makes me feel better to burry my head in the sand. I don't like many people knowing what is wrong with me. I don't like the way people treat me once they know so I don't tell them. I just carry on regardless and most people never know.

Sunday, Sunday...

So here we are again, another Sunday, another busy weekend with barely a moment to myself. Don't get me wrong I've had a great weekend, just a hectic one. Am a little confused right now so thought I would talk it out on here.

My main issue for confusion is the big question, is there such a thing as a soul mate? I know, the words bring up a little bit of vomit in my mouth too. The idea of this romantic notion of a soul mate has always alluded me. I have been in love but not with someone I considered, even at the time, as a soul mate. Is there such a thing?

I don't mean the cookie cutter romantic bullshit we're pre-programed to believe exists but a real person that is your absolute match, someone that when you meet them you automatically have that inexplicable connection that only explains itself later when you get to know the person. The slow realization that that person is perfect for you and the connection you felt was justified.

I don't know, I suppose I was always ruled by the realist in me that says that these things don't really exist and to pull myself together and get on with real life. But what if I am missing out?

What if when I am settling for merely physical attraction with someone I consider to be ok, I am missing what's out there?

Oh well 'it'll all come out in the wash' as someone who uses cliches would say.

Degree Show Piece

This is my beautiful Degree Show Piece. I loved it and it took a hell of a lot of time to make. Unfortunately the Establishment did not agree. I don't care I still love and think Art doesn't have to be ugly to be 'ART'.


RAH

Busy, Busy, Busy

Welcome back to the blog space without any viewers!!

Saying that I was wondering, does it really matter whether anybody is listening? Isn't it just enough to send your shit musings out into the ether with no reply? I think that it is more important to empty your thoughts somewhere in order to access the good stuff. Therefore I will not be apologising for the shitness of my posts or justifying any thoughts placed here. I am just sending out my verbal diorhea in order to cleanse my pallet so to speak. I am hoping to unblock my creative paths (god that sounds poncy!).

So anyway thoughts for today were on how busy my life seems to be. I am constantly busy but my life also feels empty. I race from one stressful situation to another with barely enough time to get the bare necessities done. One day I will look back and wonder what happened to my life and my dreams.

Therre are things that are important to me that I do not get to spend time on because I race around half the time like a loony. Maybe one day I will just stop everything and dedicate myself to the things I too afraid to commit to. But then where would I start ? There are so many things I want to do with my life and i haven't done most of them.

Do I really want to say the biggest risk I ever took was applying for a degree at an Art School? That should have been the start of movement in my life but it seems I've just gone back to my old one.

I think it's time I took a stand...

Sunday

So after a stressful Friday the weekend opened up like a beautiful oasis of calm that stayed on the horizon through Saturday. Finally on Sunday, aptly the day of rest, I managed to retrieve a relatively peaceful and stress-free day.

Friday was the day from hell ending with the collapse of my house move. Saturday started with a frantic search for somewhere to live, seeing as I have already handed in my notice where I am. After viewing a couple of flats I have realized that it is virtually impossible to find somewhere suitable on my tiny budget.

I have to find somewhere within a certain price bracket to be able to stop working and enable me to start getting better. This brings me to the larger problem. I am ill. I like to pretend that I am not but the bottom line is that I am. Every now and then I do something to make my life better by admitting that I cannot cope with the status quo.

The last time I did this I went part time at work. This is where my problems began. I now cannot afford to live where I am without a full time job and the government is too busy giving money to other people to really help me any. So now I'm moving.

In all honesty I probably shouldn't working at all, but I'm under some kind of false idea that I should. If I did decide to quit work I'm gonna be screwed unless I have already moved. So now I'm back to looking for somewhere.

Joy.

Saturday ended with a trip to the cinema, which I was looking forward to. The film was bad and not even in a good way. I normally like those movies that are so bad that they're good but this movie was just bad. And there were no decent looking fellas in it to make it bearable.

At least today was nice. Just chilling out and forgetting everything else. Back at work tomorrow and will probably undo all the good work resting has done today but nevermind.

Anyway, later for now...

Vesuvius

I clear my throat,
fiery toxic fumes push
slowly down the mountain.

The pyroclastic cloud
arrives before the warning,
my sulphurous words engulf

and obliterate the faces,
forever stagnate in the solitary
belly of my memory.

Memories, like the corners of my mind...

... misty water coloured memories
of the way we were

So I'm packing up to move at the moment and around every corner I am finding little bits and pieces that I had forgotten.

I have just found some old poems I wrote when doing my creative writing degree and they are making me want to work on them again. None of the work I did was really edited properly and I didn't think they were worth it. As I have been reading them I realized they might be worth working through.

One of them I thought I would post as I really like it. It captured exactly what I felt at the time.

Dreams, illness and the big question...

So I was reading the blog of a friend and she was discussing dreams and the effect of illness on them. It got me thinking about the nature of mental illness and it's ability to not only encourage creativity but to stifle it.

In good times imagination is there like a constant companion, commenting on your life or taking you somewhere out of the norm. It inspires you and keeps you going. The internal dialogue seems never-ending and you bask in the beauty of the worlds you are transported to. You get to feel the highs and lows of a life that you never have to live and gain insights into yourself without having to risk.

But in the moment where you need this release the most that is the moment it will abandon you. Cast you aside and leave you languishing in an abyss of nothingness. You brain will switch off and instead of the constant narration of your life and that of your imagination you are left with a blank, a void. What are we supposed to do in that moment?

My friend was discussing this in regards to depression, but I think it applies to more than just that. I have ME or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and I do not have this problem often. I tend to have the opposite problem most of the time. My brain is too active for my body to keep up and i end up a crumpled heap on the floor. The medication I am prescribed to help with my condition causes the problems I have been discussing.

I have a choice to either take the level of medication that would do me the most good physically and suffer the constant silence in my brain. This is intolerable. It makes me feel how I imagine those at Krakatoa felt when they lost their hearing. I am disorientated and lost without my internal monologue and imagination. The other alternative is to go with a low dose of medication that does little but touch the surface of the problem.

So really the question remains can we live without the constant companion of our imagination? I believe yes, physically we can but we are restricted to life like that of a separated conjoined twin whose twin died during the separation. We are never quite whole and the void left by our other half is almost unbearable. It is a secret pain carried on the inside and I know it is not one I am willing to carry.

Til next time, keep dreaming...

My Week in Tarot

So tonight I took some time to check out my weeks tarot, a day by day account of the next seven days.  I have to say not too shabby.  I was expecting all sorts of badness as this is how my life has panned out of late but to my surprise I turned over a few gems.

I know some cynical people do not believe in the power of the Tarot but the more I have learnt and the more I use them the more sure I become.  I walked into Tarot reading with a heavy amount of skepticism born of my strictly religious upbringing (must frown on anything supernatural or psychic) but I thought I'd keep an open mind.  As it turns out I was right to.

Tarot is an interesting and subtle way of seeing where you are at and a way of frustrating yourself if you are looking for definite answers.  The Tarot, from my experience so far, is there to help you see where there may be no light to provide guidance on how to read the signs that are all around us.  These signs are there whether you read them or not but by being aware of them I feel like I can make a more informed choice with my life.

Don't get me wrong, I have looked to the cards for answers on many occasions and found them unwilling to answer (where the frustration comes in), but in the end this has been for the best.  They show you what they feel you need to know and not necessarily what you want to know.

As it is I think I've done pretty well this evening and for that I am glad.

I'm back to work tomorrow after being off for a week.  I have to say I feel better for the rest.  The lengthy saga of whether or not I should be working still rumbles on but that is something for another blog.  I thought I would be looking forward to returning to work more than I actually am.  The main crux of the argument for work was that I enjoyed the social aspect and I feel I may have just made that issue mute.  More on that later though really I think.

The big debate for tomorrow is on what to wear.  I spend far too much time thinking about what to wear to work when in fact people don't really notice anyway.  besides, who am I doing it for?  I might as well roll up looking like a tramp.  But then that's the problem, the eternal optimist in me says 'well you never know who you'll meet, you may as well look your best'.  It's the same just in case logic that has me religiously wearing matching underwear at all times as 'you never know when you might get ran over'.  For this kind of OCD behaviour I fear there is no cure.

On that sad and pathetic revelation I'll depart, leaving you to mull over my underwear. 

   

Hello Pop Pickers!

So I've arrived and have stage fright issues.  My mind has gone blank and feel like I have cotton wool stuck all inside my mouth.  I am going to behave as my instinct encourages me and scarper quickly before my Retarded Mute act becomes more of an affliction.

Will be back with more startling insights on my on retardedness in due course I am sure.