So I just wrote this and not sure what to do with it. I feels like it could become a poem but I haven't written one of those in a long time. Not sure. Would appreciate feedback...
The chilly autumn breeze summons its long cool fingers probing through my layers, working through the chinks in my armour I wear to face the day. They stroke at my insides making me feel alive under the painted doll exterior, cracking under the pressure of a thousand expectant voices ringing in my head waiting for the moment I become more than mere surface, expose a bit of depth under my hard expanse. The wind finds the hairline cracks to work its finger through. Come to sooth my soul in it’s restrictive shell of isolation. But the cracks cannot be seen, the diversions have been set detracting attention from the ever increasing hole around my heart that aches from exclusion. Its monotonous beat pulses through the shell gradually sending fissures. Nobody will see, the clowns will distract them.
Sunday 19 October 2008
Pregnancy and Abortion
One topic that keeps coming up around me lately is pregnancy, children and abortions. These seem to be recurring themes in my life for the last year. It’s got me thinking about my own views and whether they will ever be firmly fixed on these subjects.
The idea of abortion makes me realise that I would not be able to deal with the guilt of getting rid of an unborn child. I know that there are some situations where it is the best option but again I don’t think I could live with the guilt that I would place upon myself for having one. But I have never been one of those “pro-life” people who believe that anybody who has an abortion is going to hell either. I suppose I’ve always thought that the decision lies solely with the person who is pregnant. If they feel that they want an abortion I think it is their right to have one. I also think it is a very brave decision because as I have said I don’t think I could do it. My view on this has always been just because it is not right for me does not mean it is wrong for everybody else.
The reason why I have been thinking about this is because a friend of mine had an abortion earlier this year. I think it was a very difficult decision for her because under other circumstances she would have had the baby. She knew it was not the right time and so made the choice to have an abortion. I have been thinking about her lately mainly because I discovered a YouTube page belonging to someone I work with (EK) that was filled with “pro-life” propaganda. I was shocked by it as I had no idea she felt that way.
FF saw this website as well and was deeply hurt by the things that were on there. She had been friends with EK for quite a while and had spoken with her about her own experiences of abortion and felt that all of a sudden this woman was judging her. EK refused to take responsibility for the hurt she had caused or for the information she had posted on her sight. Surely if we put our opinions out into the world we should take responsibility for the reactions they cause?
Pregnancy and babies are also on my mind at the moment.
AW is pregnant at the moment. She had been talking about wanting another child for about six months before she became pregnant. I hate to think it about a friend but I think she got pregnant deliberately. She is single and was with a guy for a very short time around when she got pregnant. She joked a lot about just going out and getting pregnant. The guy she was with had no idea that is what she wanted and is now lumbered with 18 years of CSA payments he hadn’t bargained on. You could say that it’s his fault for not using a condom but even so the pregnancy was not an accident. Is that fair on him? Besides she already has one child who’s desperate for her attention and she doesn’t get it. I feel like I’m being harsh but I just don’t get it. Maybe I’m old fashioned but you don’t just have a baby because you want one without thinking about the father or whether it’s fair on the baby or your existing child do you? I can’t shake the thought that she’s being incredibly selfish.
More on this another time I guess.
The idea of abortion makes me realise that I would not be able to deal with the guilt of getting rid of an unborn child. I know that there are some situations where it is the best option but again I don’t think I could live with the guilt that I would place upon myself for having one. But I have never been one of those “pro-life” people who believe that anybody who has an abortion is going to hell either. I suppose I’ve always thought that the decision lies solely with the person who is pregnant. If they feel that they want an abortion I think it is their right to have one. I also think it is a very brave decision because as I have said I don’t think I could do it. My view on this has always been just because it is not right for me does not mean it is wrong for everybody else.
The reason why I have been thinking about this is because a friend of mine had an abortion earlier this year. I think it was a very difficult decision for her because under other circumstances she would have had the baby. She knew it was not the right time and so made the choice to have an abortion. I have been thinking about her lately mainly because I discovered a YouTube page belonging to someone I work with (EK) that was filled with “pro-life” propaganda. I was shocked by it as I had no idea she felt that way.
FF saw this website as well and was deeply hurt by the things that were on there. She had been friends with EK for quite a while and had spoken with her about her own experiences of abortion and felt that all of a sudden this woman was judging her. EK refused to take responsibility for the hurt she had caused or for the information she had posted on her sight. Surely if we put our opinions out into the world we should take responsibility for the reactions they cause?
Pregnancy and babies are also on my mind at the moment.
AW is pregnant at the moment. She had been talking about wanting another child for about six months before she became pregnant. I hate to think it about a friend but I think she got pregnant deliberately. She is single and was with a guy for a very short time around when she got pregnant. She joked a lot about just going out and getting pregnant. The guy she was with had no idea that is what she wanted and is now lumbered with 18 years of CSA payments he hadn’t bargained on. You could say that it’s his fault for not using a condom but even so the pregnancy was not an accident. Is that fair on him? Besides she already has one child who’s desperate for her attention and she doesn’t get it. I feel like I’m being harsh but I just don’t get it. Maybe I’m old fashioned but you don’t just have a baby because you want one without thinking about the father or whether it’s fair on the baby or your existing child do you? I can’t shake the thought that she’s being incredibly selfish.
More on this another time I guess.
One topic that keeps coming up around me lately is pregnancy, children and abortions. These seem to be recurring themes in my life for the last year. It’s got me thinking about my own views and whether they will ever be firmly fixed on these subjects.
The idea of abortion makes me realise that I would not be able to deal with the guilt of getting rid of an unborn child. I know that there are some situations where it is the best option but again I don’t think I could live with the guilt that I would place upon myself for having one. But I have never been one of those “pro-life” people who believe that anybody who has an abortion is going to hell either. I suppose I’ve always thought that the decision lies solely with the person who is pregnant. If they feel that they want an abortion I think it is their right to have one. I also think it is a very brave decision because as I have said I don’t think I could do it. My view on this has always been just because it is not right for me does not mean it is wrong for everybody else.
The reason why I have been thinking about this is because a friend of mine had an abortion earlier this year. I think it was a very difficult decision for her because under other circumstances she would have had the baby. She knew it was not the right time and so made the choice to have an abortion. I have been thinking about her lately mainly because I discovered a YouTube page belonging to someone I work with (EK) that was filled with “pro-life” propaganda. I was shocked by it as I had no idea she felt that way.
FF saw this website as well and was deeply hurt by the things that were on there. She had been friends with EK for quite a while and had spoken with her about her own experiences of abortion and felt that all of a sudden this woman was judging her. EK refused to take responsibility for the hurt she had caused or for the information she had posted on her sight. Surely if we put our opinions out into the world we should take responsibility for the reactions they cause?
Pregnancy and babies are also on my mind at the moment.
AW is pregnant at the moment. She had been talking about wanting another child for about six months before she became pregnant. I hate to think it about a friend but I think she got pregnant deliberately. She is single and was with a guy for a very short time around when she got pregnant. She joked a lot about just going out and getting pregnant. The guy she was with had no idea that is what she wanted and is now lumbered with 18 years of CSA payments he hadn’t bargained on. You could say that it’s his fault for not using a condom but even so the pregnancy was not an accident. Is that fair on him? Besides she already has one child who’s desperate for her attention and she doesn’t get it. I feel like I’m being harsh but I just don’t get it. Maybe I’m old fashioned but you don’t just have a baby because you want one without thinking about the father or whether it’s fair on the baby or your existing child do you? I can’t shake the thought that she’s being incredibly selfish.
More on this another time I guess.
The idea of abortion makes me realise that I would not be able to deal with the guilt of getting rid of an unborn child. I know that there are some situations where it is the best option but again I don’t think I could live with the guilt that I would place upon myself for having one. But I have never been one of those “pro-life” people who believe that anybody who has an abortion is going to hell either. I suppose I’ve always thought that the decision lies solely with the person who is pregnant. If they feel that they want an abortion I think it is their right to have one. I also think it is a very brave decision because as I have said I don’t think I could do it. My view on this has always been just because it is not right for me does not mean it is wrong for everybody else.
The reason why I have been thinking about this is because a friend of mine had an abortion earlier this year. I think it was a very difficult decision for her because under other circumstances she would have had the baby. She knew it was not the right time and so made the choice to have an abortion. I have been thinking about her lately mainly because I discovered a YouTube page belonging to someone I work with (EK) that was filled with “pro-life” propaganda. I was shocked by it as I had no idea she felt that way.
FF saw this website as well and was deeply hurt by the things that were on there. She had been friends with EK for quite a while and had spoken with her about her own experiences of abortion and felt that all of a sudden this woman was judging her. EK refused to take responsibility for the hurt she had caused or for the information she had posted on her sight. Surely if we put our opinions out into the world we should take responsibility for the reactions they cause?
Pregnancy and babies are also on my mind at the moment.
AW is pregnant at the moment. She had been talking about wanting another child for about six months before she became pregnant. I hate to think it about a friend but I think she got pregnant deliberately. She is single and was with a guy for a very short time around when she got pregnant. She joked a lot about just going out and getting pregnant. The guy she was with had no idea that is what she wanted and is now lumbered with 18 years of CSA payments he hadn’t bargained on. You could say that it’s his fault for not using a condom but even so the pregnancy was not an accident. Is that fair on him? Besides she already has one child who’s desperate for her attention and she doesn’t get it. I feel like I’m being harsh but I just don’t get it. Maybe I’m old fashioned but you don’t just have a baby because you want one without thinking about the father or whether it’s fair on the baby or your existing child do you? I can’t shake the thought that she’s being incredibly selfish.
More on this another time I guess.
Sunday 12 October 2008
The perils of alcohol!
So my good mood lasted a few days. Friday I was feeling ready to face the world and so I headed out with FF all dolled up. I don't know what I was trying to do but I guess I must have thought ready to go out and have a good time. I headed out and I have realised that the way I used to have fun doesn't appeal to me.
I got very drunk and said some things that led to an awkward situation for FF and now I feel terrible about it. I know now that the partying part of my life I'm never gonna get back and I don't want it back. I have better things to do.
Now I have it out of my system I can really move on. I have left behind something that wasn't working and now I'm sure I'm making the right decision. Not that I'm going to drop the friends I made during that time because as I have said in my previous post these friends are very important. I just don't want to be in that situation anymore.
I got very drunk and said some things that led to an awkward situation for FF and now I feel terrible about it. I know now that the partying part of my life I'm never gonna get back and I don't want it back. I have better things to do.
Now I have it out of my system I can really move on. I have left behind something that wasn't working and now I'm sure I'm making the right decision. Not that I'm going to drop the friends I made during that time because as I have said in my previous post these friends are very important. I just don't want to be in that situation anymore.
Thursday 9 October 2008
Happy Birthday!
So yesterday was my birthday and another year has passed me by with none of the achievements I had wished it to carry along with it. It has been a strange year in which a large part of my life has fallen apart at the seams and languished on the floor of life mooning like an overly emotional teenager. The strange thing is that it has not been a bad year or in my view a wasted year.
In this year where things fell apart I have realised that these things were superfluous. I did not need them in order to have a meaningful and happy life. These things that I have mentioned are Job and money. I have lost both because of my health. I have ME which I have talked about on other posts and so won’t bore you with the details. But because of this I am now off sick from my job and have very little money.
I feel like I am in a situation where I should feel sorry for myself. I do not. I actually feel liberated. I know it all sounds a little cliché but now I have had time to process the year I have had I can see much clearer what went wrong and what is important to me.
This process started with a trip to a specialist in Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME). She not only made me see that my having to scale back on work and the things I felt obliged to do was the right thing to do, she also encouraged me to let more go. I had the scary task of paring down my life to the point where it was non-exsistant. I am now in the process of gradually adding back the things I can do and the things I enjoy doing.
I think the main thing I have learnt this year is that there is no point fighting to keep hold of the things you have if you end up with no quality of life. I have learnt that now. I didn’t need the things I had and I was missing out the things that I did need just to keep the status quo.
I now stand at the beginning of another year starting again from scratch. Recovering again from the illness that debilitates me and which will likely debilitate me again some time in the future. But unlike last year I stand here with hope that this time I will do things differently, that I will begin the cycle afresh and the outcome will be less severe.
Each time this illness strikes I leave it with renewed purpose and stronger dreams for the future. The wheel will turn once more but with every revolution I become wiser.
Looking back to the last few years I had changed my life sufficiently that my life didn’t crumble so harshly as it did the last time. I faced my illness this time with a team of people behind me. People who were aware I needed them because I was able to see it. These people were there chasing me when I ran and right by my side when I couldn’t go anywhere.
I may have lost my working use this year but I have gained where I fit in and who stands with me there. I am rooted, which is something I never expected to be.
Happy Birthday to me!!!
In this year where things fell apart I have realised that these things were superfluous. I did not need them in order to have a meaningful and happy life. These things that I have mentioned are Job and money. I have lost both because of my health. I have ME which I have talked about on other posts and so won’t bore you with the details. But because of this I am now off sick from my job and have very little money.
I feel like I am in a situation where I should feel sorry for myself. I do not. I actually feel liberated. I know it all sounds a little cliché but now I have had time to process the year I have had I can see much clearer what went wrong and what is important to me.
This process started with a trip to a specialist in Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME). She not only made me see that my having to scale back on work and the things I felt obliged to do was the right thing to do, she also encouraged me to let more go. I had the scary task of paring down my life to the point where it was non-exsistant. I am now in the process of gradually adding back the things I can do and the things I enjoy doing.
I think the main thing I have learnt this year is that there is no point fighting to keep hold of the things you have if you end up with no quality of life. I have learnt that now. I didn’t need the things I had and I was missing out the things that I did need just to keep the status quo.
I now stand at the beginning of another year starting again from scratch. Recovering again from the illness that debilitates me and which will likely debilitate me again some time in the future. But unlike last year I stand here with hope that this time I will do things differently, that I will begin the cycle afresh and the outcome will be less severe.
Each time this illness strikes I leave it with renewed purpose and stronger dreams for the future. The wheel will turn once more but with every revolution I become wiser.
Looking back to the last few years I had changed my life sufficiently that my life didn’t crumble so harshly as it did the last time. I faced my illness this time with a team of people behind me. People who were aware I needed them because I was able to see it. These people were there chasing me when I ran and right by my side when I couldn’t go anywhere.
I may have lost my working use this year but I have gained where I fit in and who stands with me there. I am rooted, which is something I never expected to be.
Happy Birthday to me!!!
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