Last Night

I was a little harsh last night. The night was good. I reconnected with somebody who had at one point been a good friend. N is so supportive and encouraging. I had forgotten how good it was to be around her and I felt inspired by her attitude.

I'm glad I went.

Tonight

I did not know what to do. That threw me. I couldn’t bring myself to look. That surprised me. Why couldn’t I look? I had no idea what I would feel when I did and that freaked me out. I did a runner. It’s not the first time. I’m just so disappointed in myself. What is wrong with me?

Part of me wanted to face it. I think I like the idea of it but not the reality. I cannot handle reality. It all looks so much better in my head. But I can’t live there anymore.

I failed.

Damn

Obsessing

What is with me that I can’t seem to sustain this whole happiness thing? I have been feeling pretty good lately. Spirits up, so to speak. I have plenty going on and plenty to look forward to. It’s a fresh start for me and I’ve really been feeling it in a good way.

Yesterday I slipped. I had a really down day for no apparent reason whatsoever. Of course there must be a reason, there is always a reason, but I could not pinpoint it. In the afternoon I fell off the ‘obsessing’ wagon. I became so completely bogged down with working out what was wrong with me that I made myself worse.

At this point I got out my tarot cards, which turned out to be a monumental mistake. I was not in the right frame of mind to interpret them properly and they only served to confuse me more. Then I spiralled down a line of questioning that I’m pretty sure is not healthy.

It seems when I fall off the wagon I do it in some style! One thing it has shown me though is how useless and unsettling this over-analytical obsessing really is. It makes no real positive difference, only negative.

I end up worrying about things that I shouldn’t be thinking about yet that may never happen. I know I have issues with paralysing fear and this impulse heightens that.

I have a very animal ‘freeze or retreat’ mechanism when it comes to fear. The first sign of the unknown has me either hightailing it in the opposite direction or being so frozen by fear that I cannot do anything.

The scariest part of this is that I know my fear stops me from being happy a lot of the time. Occasionally I will surprise myself and plough on regardless but not often. I am risk averse and it is costing me more than I am prepared to lose.

Heaven?

Last night I dreamed I was lying in bed. The sun danced in patterns across the crisp cotton bedding. It was early and a soft breeze crept in through the window I had opened last night. I had a memory of opening it to the night sky hoping the passage of air would break the heat of the evening. It had worked. It was the perfect temperature, warm and cosy under the covers but not oppressive. Fresh clean air circled around my cocoon tickling my nose with the faint scents of lavender mixed with the salty fragrance of the sea.

I felt safe and comforted by the warming presence at my back, his slow breath a gentle reminder I was not alone. A protective arm was draped across my stomach in sleeping disarray a weight anchoring me to the world, stopping me from getting trapped in my own head again.

I lay in the silence listening for the sounds of the coming day from outside. Somewhere in the world outside birds were cawing. There was no other sound, no cars or human disturbance to break the peace I felt and in that moment I imagined I could hear the waves braking on the shore.

I knew every inch of my small existence. I knew the informal garden beneath the window opened out into woodland to the east and that if I followed the path along the lush green field, which was slowly turning golden, to the west I would meet the sea. There the white surf skittered up the beach only to retreat towards the horizon.

All this I knew and yet it doesn’t exist, my little piece of Nirvana.