My ability to procrastinate shocks even me sometimes. I have spent the week doing pretty much fuck all, apart from reading a couple of books. I’ve not even got dressed most days, preferring to veg on the sofa in my PJs. I have plans, plans I’m excited about, but the more I think about it the more immobile I become, the longer I lay in bed and the less I seem to do of anything. I know this habit, its one I’m very familiar with but I have yet to learn to break it. I know what I want which is a real rarity for me and now I’m left frustrated with my own lack of movement on these issues.
I guess the problem is more about my own need to know what I’m doing and the possible outcomes before proceeding. This is ok in principle but what happens when I don’t know where it will lead? This is what happens, the rabbit in headlights look descends. It really winds me up because not all my life is like that. Most of my life I have sorted in my head and I have the possible outcomes all mapped out. I know how to get those things therefore I can predict a series of outcomes that I am ready for.
There is only one thing that I haven’t been able to sort out in my head. This is because I don’t know how proceed because I’ve never done it before. I have very little frame of reference to draw from having just happened upon it the last time, besides I would not want to base anything I do now on that as it was such a spectacular disaster!
My brain doesn’t function without a plan, at all. I haven’t got a clue how I’m going to get this particular thing on the list. As usual if there’s just one thing that’s not 100% thought through my brain goes into shut down. It’s like ‘Wing it?... Do not compute!’ I get absolutely nothing done, even the stuff I know what I’m doing with. I have no idea how to break this particular manifestation of my inner control freak and it’s annoying the hell out of me.
Any suggestions?
2 comments:
Just do it. Leave your house, pajama clad, with no plan or destination. Wander on foot and see where you land. Look for opportunities to speak, to hear, to see what carfully mapped out lives avoid. You are paralyzed with fear of the unknown, of failure, of change? I don't know, but I do know you will survive them all, as we all have, and all that paddling of avoidance was a gosh darn waste of energy.
It is so strange to read this as I thought you had got over the whole 'matching underwear' phase but clearly you have not.
I totally agree with Wine and Words - in the words of Nike (I think) Just Do It. I think you need to be really brave - but I know you can do it.
I think we need to help (and Luna) or even push each other to make sure we - Just Do It. I always feel like I am slightly nagging in a motherly sort of way which I hate as we are friends and I know how much I need you to help me be creative - when you were going to move away I went into complete panic mode. Where would I be without my writing buddy.
But I do think we need to stick to the plan and maybe devise some surprises along the way.
You really can do.
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