Obviously I know how that ends, there is no destination just the long path we walk through until we can't walk anymore. That path can be frightening or boring, happy, sad or middling, that part is up to the traveller I guess. This last year has had its ups and downs and many moments where I have felt that I am achieving nothing. I have been silent and I have not been able to shut up, I have been really lonely for the first time, I have felt connected and disconnected.
Importantly I have made some big decisions about what I want and taken steps to get there. I have looked closely at what I don't want and was a little surprised at what I found there. Now, as christmas nears and brings with it the end of another year my thoughts have settled on what I do want and I was surprised. Not really surprised by what is in there but how I feel about it.
I have been cynical for so long, shutting out the things I used to want. Five years ago I opened up the possibility of something that I loved to be a part of my life. In taking that step I didn't realize what else I would receive and what other possibilities would open along the way. I found real friends who I feel I'll be friends with for the rest of my life and I found that the person I am is not that bad.
I am looking at what I want with hope. A feeling I wasn't sure I still had. It's difficult to explain but a long time ago I broke and it took a lot to put myself back together. I made myself a new life but I still felt broken. I shied away from the things I had wanted, deciding I couldn't have them anymore. I have been slowly picking up the things I left and now I want them all back. I am not the same as I was back then but what I want hasn't changed and thats ok because I'm better able to deal with them now. More importantly I feel like I deserve them. And you have no idea how odd that feels.
The only problem is my whole attitude has made a turn for the romantic, which has not happened for a very long time. I have been lusty, obsessive, infatuated but not romantic. I'm not sure what to do with this. I am in exactly the position to be swept off my feet, but there is nobody around to do the sweeping...
4 comments:
I can really relate to what you've written. In a way, you've summarised a journey I too have taken.
The thing is, when you're comfortable enough with yourself and are able to open up to the things you want, you'll be surprised with what happens.
Being ready is the first step. Because now you'll see the opportunities as they appear. And there is nothing more attractive than an open heart.
Oh my goodness. I can't believe that you have put these feelings into words (and published). Only those who know you well would realise what this really means - what an amazing journey you are making. It is so lovely to see you talk about hope and future and love. These are not trivial things, these do not make us weak - these things give us strength and make life worth while. I know we all lose sight of them along the way - life sometimes tries to batter them away and it saddened me to see it in one so young. Now it is great to see you move forward even though you will move a long way away and I will miss meeting you and our 'little chats'.
Now all you need to do is move away from 'co-ordinated' clothing and my job here will be done!!!!!!!
And yes I hope we will be friends for ever - whatever paths our lives take.
With real love
Thanks guys. My revelations have put me in a bit of a strange mood the past few days, but I'll get there in the end I'm sure.
As Roses said, when you're comfortable with yourself, you are able to open up to the things you want. Clearly, for you, this year has been a time when you are learning to do that. Before that point, you werent ready for romance. Again, as Roses said, there is nothing more attractive than an open heart. Other people are attracted to confident women who love themselves and their bodies and know what they want from life. Put your head up and be proud to be you!
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