Obsessing

What is with me that I can’t seem to sustain this whole happiness thing? I have been feeling pretty good lately. Spirits up, so to speak. I have plenty going on and plenty to look forward to. It’s a fresh start for me and I’ve really been feeling it in a good way.

Yesterday I slipped. I had a really down day for no apparent reason whatsoever. Of course there must be a reason, there is always a reason, but I could not pinpoint it. In the afternoon I fell off the ‘obsessing’ wagon. I became so completely bogged down with working out what was wrong with me that I made myself worse.

At this point I got out my tarot cards, which turned out to be a monumental mistake. I was not in the right frame of mind to interpret them properly and they only served to confuse me more. Then I spiralled down a line of questioning that I’m pretty sure is not healthy.

It seems when I fall off the wagon I do it in some style! One thing it has shown me though is how useless and unsettling this over-analytical obsessing really is. It makes no real positive difference, only negative.

I end up worrying about things that I shouldn’t be thinking about yet that may never happen. I know I have issues with paralysing fear and this impulse heightens that.

I have a very animal ‘freeze or retreat’ mechanism when it comes to fear. The first sign of the unknown has me either hightailing it in the opposite direction or being so frozen by fear that I cannot do anything.

The scariest part of this is that I know my fear stops me from being happy a lot of the time. Occasionally I will surprise myself and plough on regardless but not often. I am risk averse and it is costing me more than I am prepared to lose.