2 weeks ago something clicked in my brain and it finally said enough was enough. I got up that morning, like most mornings, tired but okay. My heart protested, told me I should not go in to the school where I have been placed for my teacher training. I tried to ignore feelings inside me as I got dressed. I cried as I gathered up my things and then I forced myself to stop with all my will so that I could go out in public.
I battled myself as I walked to the train station, reasoning out that it was too late to call in sick and that I could not possibly turn back. I battled hard to stem the waves of tears my heart battered me with, after all my mind is stronger than my heart. I got to the train station and rushed onto the waiting train, finding a seat easily.
Then it hit me. I had had this feeling before. This exact feeling is how I felt heading into my old call centre job when I was really ill. That is when my brain clicked.
I had to get out.
What had been building for the last few months suddenly flattened out like an enormous vista where I could see exactly how I had got here, to this point and what I had to do. I had not been happy for quite some time, but I stored it away, because happiness is not useful for me during these 2 training years. I knew they would be tough and I would have to 'Man up' and push through them, but it should have been different.
My brain might be stronger than my heart, but it doesn't always know best. I listened to my intuition, something I had been afraid to do, and every fiber of my being told me my situation was toxic and I had to get out. My brain took the hint.
It was right about 1 thing though, it was too late to call in sick. I went into work, worked the full day and then left knowing I would not be going back tomorrow.
I have gone against the judgement of all my friends and family who had spent the last few months urging me on, telling me I was doing the right thing carrying on. But they are not me. They cannot know what is best for me. If they do not like my decisions they can f**k off.
So what am I going to do now? I'm going to keep working on being happy. I know certain things make me happy so I am going to do those things. I am looking for a job, just something part time to stave off the unemployment blues I suffered from last year. I am not looking for a big career anymore. I do not need one. I need writing, crafts and artwork and so that is what I am going to do. I don't care whether it's any good or whether I pen a publishable novel. It's not about that for me, it never has been.
If that makes me an arse or pretentious or anything else you wanna call it then that's fine. I believe doing things for the sole purpose of being happy is becoming a crime these days. If it is, lock me up now because I'm not changing.
1 comment:
Firstly it was awful hearing how unhappy you were and being so far away and unable to see you. I know I spoke to you alot about keeping going and finishing the course. It was obvious early on that teaching may not have been the course for you but as someone who has 'jacked in' course before I understand the emotional turmoil this can cause down the line. I also understand that you just couldn't do it anymore. Intuition is often right - if it feels wrong it probably is. My worry was and is, that you won't be able to find work and will back in the 'hole' that plagued you last year. The hole that I find myself in presently. But I understand you decisions and totally support you in them. I know you can find a place that feels like home and things to do that fulfil you. I guess our advice, for our situation is slightly similar, is just to keep going and hope for faith, skill and luck to open the doors to new opportunities. Keep creating and you will succeed - of this I am sure.
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