Happy Birthday!

So yesterday was my birthday and another year has passed me by with none of the achievements I had wished it to carry along with it. It has been a strange year in which a large part of my life has fallen apart at the seams and languished on the floor of life mooning like an overly emotional teenager. The strange thing is that it has not been a bad year or in my view a wasted year.

In this year where things fell apart I have realised that these things were superfluous. I did not need them in order to have a meaningful and happy life. These things that I have mentioned are Job and money. I have lost both because of my health. I have ME which I have talked about on other posts and so won’t bore you with the details. But because of this I am now off sick from my job and have very little money.

I feel like I am in a situation where I should feel sorry for myself. I do not. I actually feel liberated. I know it all sounds a little cliché but now I have had time to process the year I have had I can see much clearer what went wrong and what is important to me.

This process started with a trip to a specialist in Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME). She not only made me see that my having to scale back on work and the things I felt obliged to do was the right thing to do, she also encouraged me to let more go. I had the scary task of paring down my life to the point where it was non-exsistant. I am now in the process of gradually adding back the things I can do and the things I enjoy doing.

I think the main thing I have learnt this year is that there is no point fighting to keep hold of the things you have if you end up with no quality of life. I have learnt that now. I didn’t need the things I had and I was missing out the things that I did need just to keep the status quo.

I now stand at the beginning of another year starting again from scratch. Recovering again from the illness that debilitates me and which will likely debilitate me again some time in the future. But unlike last year I stand here with hope that this time I will do things differently, that I will begin the cycle afresh and the outcome will be less severe.

Each time this illness strikes I leave it with renewed purpose and stronger dreams for the future. The wheel will turn once more but with every revolution I become wiser.

Looking back to the last few years I had changed my life sufficiently that my life didn’t crumble so harshly as it did the last time. I faced my illness this time with a team of people behind me. People who were aware I needed them because I was able to see it. These people were there chasing me when I ran and right by my side when I couldn’t go anywhere.

I may have lost my working use this year but I have gained where I fit in and who stands with me there. I am rooted, which is something I never expected to be.

Happy Birthday to me!!!