A shove to the door gains access
to the cavernous hallway lit by sun
dappled glass panels
etched with flowing flowers,
sentries standing guard at the door.
A tatty piece of ply is pinned above the door,
flaking shiny black paint pieces float
from the woodwork to mingle with glass
remnants that crack underfoot
until ground to dust, indistinguishable
from the other decay lining the parquet floor.
A thin layer of time rests over handrails
that sweep their sinewy path to the upper levels,
cast iron flowers wind their way
from tread to rail undeterred
by the decay, reminiscent of the flowers
clinging desperately to the proud façade.
Been fiddling around with this and not sure about the format, line breaks, construction etc. Feedback would be much appreciated.
2 comments:
My opinion? well you asked for it..It's great, I want to see what is inside, so keep going.
Structure (IMO) belongs to you.
This poem evocates such emotions. I have taken a while to get into it I think because it has lots to understand. It really takes the reader to the abandoned Dell Cottage and made a shiver go down my spine. I feel that it is a place where you could not help yourself and would have to going inside but would be afraid and sad to do so (if that makes sense). A place of a forgotten history and myths.
As for structure I agree it can be hard to decide. Unless you write a piece with a very definate rhythm or constructions I think all you can do is read the piece aloud and see where the natural breaks come, where the punctuation lies. I am not sure this is very technical but it will show up any natural breaks or language that does not sound right.
You should be proud of this work and maybe with a little re-write it could be really fantastic.
Moggie
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