So for the past couple of weeks I've not really felt right. I can't really explain the uneasy feeling I've been walking around with. It was made all the more strange because I couldn't identify it. It was an alien feeling to me and not being able to compartmentalize this feeling disturbed me.
If you've read any of my previous blogs or have known me at any stage of my life you'll understand why. I am a control freak and don't deal well with my own emotions. They are identified, labelled and then stored away, hopefully never to resurface in a form more harmful than the co-ordinating of my underwear.
It hit me today as I sat restlessly watching tv what the emotion I've been grappling with is. Like a bolt from the blue I knew my problem and why I had not realized earlier.
I am lonely.
I have never been lonely before. It's hard to believe but it's true. I have managed to get to the ripe old age of 27 without ever being lonely. Its a very strange and alien concept for me to wrap my head around and throws into confusion the future I have long had in mind for myself (crazy cat lady).
I wondered why I had never felt this feeling before. There are times in my life where I have felt so alone and isolated but even in my darkest moments I wasn't lonely. I guess the answer is an easy one. I never let myself feel lonely before. I made my life so reliant on only myself that the thought that I could need something from another person that I couldn't provide for myself was impossible.
Now I have let that mindset go a little. I allow others to help. I think this is why I am lonely because I know I don't have everything I need. That I need more.
I'm not sure who is more sad, me back then or me now.
7 comments:
An error, trying to sort!
No prob - looking forward to pickie.
Where's the picture?
it wouldn't work!! How annoying
Typed something different into it as getting really annoyed trying to download photo
This is a really difficult blog to comment on. I kinda wish you still worried about matching underwear and stuff than being lonely. I have experienced lonliness all my life (OMG how dramatic) but what I am trying to say as a physical feeling. I remember it from childhood it isn't nice but it also allows us to explore who we are and maybe understand ourselves better. (God I sound like an American therapist - maybe in a previous life). Unfortunately it also allows us to be self obsessed and unhappy. May be I will discuss more in my blog.
But be aware you are loved. You are thought about by others every day, you have good friends and brilliant family. And be aware it is a state you can be proactive with and come out of.
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