Today I wondering whether I take enough risks. I suppose I've always been a very cautious person, not wanting to commit to something without being sure of the outcome. I have been accused of over-thinking things and Ive never bothered to deny it. Just recently, however, I have started to think about the things I could be missing out on by sticking to my regimented way of thinking.

I'm not saying I never take risks but they are rare. The biggest risk would have to have been my college course, which sounds a little sad now I think of it. The battle with myself that I went through just to show up to the interview was bad enough. My hands were shaking and my mind was blank except for the fear coursing through my veins. Self-doubt plagued me but that wasn't the main reason for the panic I felt.

I sat on a bench outside the building I was to enter, clutching a portfolio of work which the majority of I had never let another person read. I was about to hand over something that was incredibly private for somebody else to scrutinize. I was not there because I thought I had talent or because my work work was remarkable in any way. I was there because I loved making it.

In the deepest darkest moments of my life, when I just wanted to curl up and die, when I thought my world was empty of anything worth holding onto I could sit down and release all the hurt and the pain. Other times I would just escape into the world in my head and live in a place full of so much more than I possessed in reality.

The works in my hand were the products of my sanctuary and so close to my heart that I resisted letting them go. I didn't know what awaited them and myself on the inside of that building and it made me want to run as far away from it as possible.

But I didn't.

It was the bravest decision I have ever made and not just because I opened myself up to be judged but because I had no idea what the outcome would be. Would I be able to do the same again? That I don't know. Now I am a little more battered and bruised and also a little more open and vulnerable.

I would never have guessed that day sat on the bench where I would be now, 5 years later. I started a process that day that has slowly removed personal barriers that I didn't know needed to be removed. I am a better person for it but I am also much more cautious.

My decisions effect me more than they used to and risks become greater now. I wonder whether it has prevented me taking the risks needed to really live my life. I told myself after that day that I would risk more and think less but it didn't really pan out that way. The worst affected area I think is my artwork. My art can be good but it is not extraordinary and I think the only way it'll ever get there is if I put myself on the line.

I want be that person walking into the unknown whose willing to show herself to the world. Just to say "This is me deal with it".

Will it happen?

We'll see...